Schizophrenia and You
too bizarre for Uncyclopedia, but Illogicopedia loves random stuff. |
File:Uncyclopedia.png → File:Wiki.png |
Schizophrenia and You
For those who can master it, it’s a fine way to see the world. You get secret messages from the radio, TV, and most movies. You know God personally (so you don’t need Jesus as a go-between). The best ones can maintain their powers despite medication. Did you ever wonder about the existence of ghosts and angels and demons? Somebody had to have seen them, right? Now you know.
It begins for some when the trees start telling you their names. The flowers sing an inane little song like a children’s song that threatens to drone on indefinitely. There is another world, and it may contain well-organized squirrels. That famous karate guy doesn’t exist in the other world. But there’s plenty of paranoia to go around.
Gratuitous Image: And he went 'WAP!' with a bat on the head of the baby puppy after it had looked at him with those big adorable eyes.
Just because you think there’s a conspiracy or someone’s out to get you doesn’t mean it’s not true. But there are peculiar psychic fields around hospitals that keep conspirators and murderers out for the most part. The maintenance of this field is the reason you’re not supposed to use cell phones in the wards themselves. Why don’t people figure this out? Because unlike in the movies, murderers and conspirators are stupid.
You would think that the ability to see angels, demons, and ghosts would give you special powers. Well, it doesn’t. You can’t usually talk to them. I prefer the plants. They speak clearly and use small words so the slower ones among us can follow. Unfortunately, most people aren’t even listening.
Squirrels
Now the squirrels really are a problem. You see, they straddle the worlds. They exist as intelligent beings in the other world. Most schizophrenics do not know this. They’re fooled by cuteness. Cuteness is always dangerous. Most women know this. They use cuteness for mind-control, the same way they use sex. Men use confidence for mind-control, the same way they use sex. You see, as Freud correctly stated, all behaviors, all motivation comes down to sex – how to get it, with whom, and where and when.
The nature of the psyche is like a window. For some, the window is one-way. They cannot see the other world but the other world can see them. For others, it’s two-way and they can see and be seen. For God, it’s strange. God can see the other world but the other world can’t see God. This is a mystery. God can help us handle the squirrels. They cannot see God. The squirrels have an inferior god. Theirs exists only in the other world and cannot see the schizophrenics. Through it, squirrels can control politicians but only the politicians that are NOT psychotic. This means that very few are vulnerable to squirrel thought-control. Of course the exceptions to this are world leaders. They are mostly all psychotic, and so are vulnerable.
(Oh look! The squirrels are trying to tell me their names! Just like the trees! But they cannot fool me. They’re being cute again. I will not be taken in by such subterfuge. I’ve already been married.)
Some squirrels are psychotic and cannot see me. They are psychotic in the other world. In this world, they call it Rabies. You can hear them if you listen closely. You can hear their plans. They already control the fascists of the world. It’s so easy to convert fascists, especially if they’re the religious fascists that spread their propaganda through argument so there’s no way to win. They have these Holy books that they believe in blindly enough to make them unassailably conclusive. The squirrels know this and keep them fighting each other. This, in general, makes the rest of us become apathetic. The squirrels want us to destroy each other so they can inherit the world. It even says in the Christian Bible something like: the squeak shall inherit the Earth.
Gratuitous image: He put his hands around his throat, slammed him against the wall and lifted him into the air. The victim could not get air to call for help. He came to, stunned at himself, let go of the victim and vowed non-violence. He was almost successful.
Children
Some of us are blessed with children. So, slowly, we let them have insight into our vision! So, slowly, they allow us into theirs. This is good. For very young children, the two worlds are one. With the addition of pubescent hormones, they split in two. This accounts for the general insanity of teenagers. Their reality is polarizing into dreaming and waking. They cannot help it since their worlds still overlap. But as they approach full growth, most of them lose sight of the other world. They only see it in fantasy, in dream. They only use it to imagine things, their future, their sex lives, their destiny. So they mostly lose the ability to see the other world. They rarely see the squirrels unless someone points the conspiracy out to them, and still they have doubts.
The author knew personally of a young man who was NOT psychotic, but had stumbled upon the squirrel conspiracy. He shared his discovery with the author who promptly asked the trees about it, but the trees turned out to be very slow with their answers or perhaps it took some time for the author to master time travel so he could speed forward to the end of the time it took for the trees to come up with the answer. Luckily, the author did master time travel, went a long ways into the future, heard the trees confirm what the squirrels had been doing for thousands of years in their branches, and then returned to the present.
Gratuitous image: The demons find the little squirrels and rip their little heads off. Very quickly, since the angels don't want the children to see this, they take the gross, decapitated bodies to wherever they store the dead pigeons. No one knows where this is, since no one's seen a dead pigeon either, unless it got hit by a car or sucked into a jet engine or something.
Art
You have to appreciate art as a schizophrenic. Everything means something. Your job is to tell the stories, the secret stories, of everybody, but mainly God. That’s why you hear God’s voice, so you can know what to do and say. Paint, sculpt, write, play music, these are ways to peek into the other world. It’s hard to tell the truth when you are one of the few. Hearing someone else talk about it sounds crazy to anyone, so we smile and humor them and keep them away from our children.
What’s best is to keep a low profile. Don’t step out on that ledge. And if you’re on the bridge, don’t stop in the middle. Keep going. Walk into the light. That was a joke. The dead people laugh at us. They are the ghosts. For them, the other world is the real one. So, if you want to talk to them you have to remember to talk to them when they're right beside you. That's why you see "crazy" people apparently talking to themselves. You see, in the other world, you are a ghost. You don’t have to be dead to be a ghost, you just have to have too much time on your hands. And squirrels can’t see ghosts, but ghosts can’t see squirrels, either. Only we’re not just ghosts. Since we exist in this world, we can be seen. It’s so dangerous. Don’t act like you’re looking at the squirrels when you look into the other world. Besides, the angels freely point them out and the demons dance around them. And if you’ve mastered time travel, you can move ten or twenty years into the future and hear the trees talk about what they overheard today.
Gratuitous image: He jams the knife into his own belly again and again and again....
Elves and Time Travel
Another point is about this time travel business. It’s not very hard. In the other world, you can go backwards or forwards or not, just like a movie. You are allowed to change anything you want, but the time elves will correct anything that would cause problems. They’re very creative. For instance, if you went back in time to kill your mother before you were born, the time elves would know your mission and kill you first. The penalty for changing history is death. (Technically, you're never 'guilty' of the crime, since the elves stop you before you do it, but let's not get too technical.) And you will go back in time to kill your mother and be stopped by the time elves forever and ever and ever…. But you can go backward or forward or stay in the present and pay attention to anything you want. Paying attention can only change yourself, when used properly.
Gratuitous image: He's brought screaming into the room where they put the electrodes on his temples and ask him if he still hears God. Dzzz. Dzzz. I don't hear God. Don't lie! Dzzz. Dzzz. Really! God went on a long vacation! I don't hear him anymore! Dzzz. Dzzz. You mustn't lie. If you lie it will go bad for you. Dzzz. Dzzz.
We mention at this point, that the elves maintain a consistent time line. They’re elves and so, as might be inferred, they work for Santa Claus. But when they’re not making toys, they’re maintaining the time stream. They make time for Santa Claus which is how he can make it around the world in one night.
Lucky for us, the elves exist in the other world in the trees, and they’re so small, they can spy on the squirrels for Santa Claus. And for those who are truly psychotic, every day is Christmas, so there’s no need for time travel. The elves control the radio, TV, and movies to send special messages to those receptive to such things – in spite of medication.
Sometimes, schizophrenics need to recharge, so they go into the psych ward where they can listen with fewer interruptions, where they’re free from the ambient electromagnetic field. Sometimes, when they’ve become too… influenced by the EM field, they require more direct intervention like Electro-Convulsive Therapy, which has the effect of creating new pathways in the brain. This makes everything clear again. ECT incidentally helps with depression.
Heroes
So let’s talk about heroes. Heroes are alive and well in the other world. Heroes love bats. Bats hate squirrels. Squirrels love trees. Trees love rain. Rain loves the night. The night loves heroes. Therefore, heroes know the insane who are being controlled by the squirrels. These people are insane, not Schizophrenic. True heroes know who they serve. Heroes learn French so they will develop the snottiness they missed in growing up into adults without the ability to do advanced mathematics (or philosophy).
Zeno was snotty, as was Pythagorus and Newton. Socrates was cool. Socrates saw the other world, but only in two-dimensions. He thought he was hallucinating so he kept smoking that imported Turkish crap. When he died, he mentioned a vision of a poppy field with a girl and dog and three odd-looking characters unlike he’d ever seen. His final word was “Dor…” which caused many people to conclude that there was a door to go through upon death. For some, belief in this error has continued to this day. “Death is just another door,” or something like that.
In general, mathematicians have been unable to see the other world. They choose to go mad instead. For instance, Cantor went mad because he refused to believe that there were an infinite number of infinities, and that there might be an uncountable number of infinities. He didn’t like this because it gave the squirrels too many places to hide. He despaired of ever routing them from the planet and went into a psych ward where he was to stay, safe with his private stash of pencil and paper developing the Set Theory to Heaven. He was “buying a stare-way to Heaven.” This was long before Thorazine.
Gratuitous image: He rocks back and forth, singing: He made me, He made me not, while pulling the petals off of an imaginary daisy in his shaking hands.
Cantor was a hero. And Godel was a hero. Godel saved us from the logicians (who had been influenced by the squirrels) by ending the tyranny of logic. Now not many people know this, but he simultaneously disproved ultimate logic while proving the existence of the other world. He saw it in a dream, which is, as we all know, the only way for a non-schizophrenic to experience the other world.
Dreams
This brings us to dreams. The other world is like a dream, only some of us can see it when we’re awake. The ones who don’t know any better call it imagination. The ones that do know and fight for the right to believe in its reality are called Schizoes, given medicine, and are generally allowed to wander around free, provided they aren’t a threat to anyone (except squirrels).
Schizoes are the great guardians of the world(s). They number very few, but they have the special powers of seeing the other world and elves and angels and demons and hearing voices like God’s and whispering rodents and trees, if they’re patient enough. They are coming to be understood, by the enlightened few, as mystical beings. They walk among us, fighters of the cause, because the squirrels are really out there, and they’re really against us, and our political leaders are especially vulnerable because they are insane instead of psychotic. We have to work on spreading the word that mentally ill people are here to save the world, and that one day, the Great Often Deified Schizophrenics will defeat the Sneaky And Troublesome Alien Neurotic squirrel leader and humankind will be rescued at the end of the age and the two worlds will become one and everyone will develop imagination and the ability to lighten up and goof off and take their time getting laid.
Gratuitous image: He took off all of his clothes and went running through the snow trying to catch the squirrel that stole his nuts. It was really quite messy - lots of blood.
*Note: All Gratuitous images took place in the other world. No real beings were harmed in the making of this article.