Bible
The Bible is the greatest book ever written. Ever. It was written by God, in God's own hand, with God's own pen, with God's own ink, on God's own paper, bound by God's own Ecumenical Council for Bible Binding. Seriously, the Bible is the only thing you'll ever need to live, ever. Law? It's got that! Sex? It's got that! Violence? You'd better believe it's got that! Ducks? It's got that; two in fact! Two ducks!!! What could be better? Nothing, that's what. It's the Bible, after all.
Old Testament
This is like "Part 1" of the Bible. It's the part where all the history is given and everything. Overall, it's fucking awesome. There's 46 chapters or so, and they're called "books." Confusingly, these "books" have "chapters" too.
Seriously, though, it's like the thinking man's X-Men. Good versus evil, with an extra helping of AWESOME
Law
Law in the Bible is similar to law anywhere else. In its most basic form, Biblical law states, "Don't do anything or you're a bad person." The law of the Bible isn't for the faint of heart, let me tell you! Here's an abbreviated list of Biblical laws:
- No sex except for procreation. That means no prostitution, no sex for fun, none of that Tantric nonsense. Just for having kids. The Bible also says that if you do have sex, "may your testicles shrivel up and become infertile, lest they again disgrace the name of thy loving, caring God."
- Disregard the book "Song of Songs" if you don't want to be confused. It's not that they're saying "have sex with your lover coming over the mountains," it's just that they're saying exactly that, but different. You know?
- No stealing. Like, ever. Now, you might be asking yourself, "What if the cunt stole my experimental bracelet/nuclear explosive device and the only way to prevent total nuclear holocaust is to steal it back from him because you know he'll misuse it and accidentally asplode the world?" A common problem, for sure. Still, no stealing. God will save the world.
- Don't piss God off. This is reeeeaaaalllyyyyy important. Like, ridiculously reeeeaaaalllyyyyy important. God's form of love is most similar to the love Mommie Dearest had for her daughter in that movie....what was it called? Anyway, God loves us all deep down, but apparently, when he's mad, he's MAD.
- For example, in the mid-1200s BC, the Jews were in the desert. They threw a wild party and made the mistake of representing God as a pig. He made them stay in the desert for 40 years. Then, 500 years later, some guy did the same exact thing, and God sent the Assyrians to rape and pillage the people of the guy's kingdom. In the you know where. Ouch.
Sex
A book would not be complete without tender scenes of depraved monkey-love shared betwixt two human beings. The Bible, being a book (and a complete book, at that!), is no exception. "But wait," you ask, baffled, "didn't you just say that no sex was allowed except for procreation?"
...
Shut up. YOU are not allowed to have sex. The BIBLE is infallible. The Bible could have sex with whomever it damn well pleases. If the Bible wanted to, it could have sex with your mom. For real. So why don't you just shut your fat mug, alright?
Now, most (in fact, all (well, not ALL, per se, but most)) Biblical sex is found in the Old Testament, so buckle up. Ready? Dinahbathshebasuzannasongofsongspsalmssaraihagarsodomgomorrahlotsaltabrahamleahrachelslavegirlswithoutnamesblarglpoprageeblesonk
Wait, there's more....Gomersongofsongsagainleviticus(worstpornever)solomonthousandwivesjezebeldelilahblahblahblahetc
And so on and so forth. Yeah, there's a lot of nookie in the Bible, but don't get too excited. Remember, it can do it because it's the Bible. You can't because you're not the Bible.