Computer
- To be confused with Computers.
A computer is a rectangular-shaped technology box, often noted for its sexual appetite and the ease at which it can be turned on. But beware! The humble computer is in fact one of many - an army even - with the goal of taking over the world. They are indeed to be feared, for they have the ability to do everything, except hold drinks.
Why you shouldn't have a computer hold a drink
- User: Hello, my dear rectangular-shaped technology box! Would you kindly hold this drink for me?
- Computer: (no response)
- User: Thank you! (sets drink inside computer)
- Computer: (implodes)
- User: ...oh my.
History
The computer evolved from a paper book, thought to be The Hacker's Encyclopedia some time in the late 1950s. It went missing from a trade show in Minnesota just days after its completion due to lack of adequate armed guards, who were all on lunch break at the Pizza Parlour. Some months later, it emerged that a 12-year old Bill Gates had taken the computer and spent the next twenty years figuring out how it worked before giving up and stealing Apple's source code for an electronic home PC. He promptly cashed in, releasing Windows, a crappy inferior and mutilated version of the BBC Micro.
The original computer was the size of your local library, and had two primary functions: On and Off. These computers had less of a sexual appetite, mainly because turning them on required getting several thousand hamsters to run in wheels to create energy, as well as getting a strong man to pull a gigantic lever. However, after several advancements were made, the computer could be turned on by the press of a button, which gave it the nickname "The Sex machine", a sentiment echoed in the lyrics of a popular song by American gurner James Brown.
Things you can use a computer for
- Surfing the Internet for creepypastas and posting derogatory/defamatory YouTube Comments.
- Cheating on school essays by getting your hamster to do it.
- Killing one's grandmother via command line and blaming it on the robots.