A Man Eats a Lemon and Then He Goes to the Dentist
The tall man in the suit and tie approached the small mobile home. The mobile home had the word "DENTIST" taped to the front on what looked like a page torn from a phone book.
The tall man knocked on the door, and the door broke in half. Inside stood a skinny man with a large brown beard.
"The dentist, I Presume?" said the tall man.
The man nodded.
"I ate a lemon and would like you to check my teeth and make sure they're still shiny white perfect fresh sparkling and new."
"Ah yes, but why do we yearn for white teeth?" said the dentist, "Don't you see that your desire for white teeth is a result of society's manipulation of your mind? You've been driven quietly insane by society's twisted, disgusting ideals of beauty that make us all ashamed for being real human beings instead of plastic replicas of the people on television. One moment you'll ask me to whiten your teeth, the next you'll come back and ask me to inject something in to your muscles to make them look bulgier. Or you'll want me to coat your armpits in cement so your body odor won't be able to escape. Or you'll want me to dye your eyes so they'll look mysterious and make women want to be naked."
"So...you won't take a look at my teeth I Presume?"
"Naw come on in, I was just kidding, your teeth are disgusting. Let's head down to my office. Watch where you step."
The man in the suit entered the mobile home, being careful not to step on any of the small animal skeletons scattered across the floor.
"I do my dental work in the basement." Said the Dentist.
"Wait...mobile homes don't HAVE basements!" said the man incredulously.
I was originally going to write something wacky about the basement being a hole in the ground, but I don't feel like describing it properly. It's basically a chamber excavated out of the dirt below the mobile home and is very surreal bla bla bla.
"Lie down," said the dentist. He and his patient had somehow appeared in a chamber excavated out of the dirt, with no description of them descending in to it. "Lie down," said the dentist again, for no discernible reason.
The man in the suit did so, and opened his mouth.
"Thanks! I can now begin your exam! Don't keep your mouth open the whole time or some dirt will probably fall in off the walls" said the dentist, glancing furtively at the worm that had just dropped on to his left shoulder.
The dentist bent in closely to examine the man's teeth.
"Oh dear," said the dentist, "You need a thorough cleaning."
The dentist breifly vanished upstairs to the mobile home, and returns with a roll of duct tape.
"What the hell is that?" asks the man in the suit. And the story suddenly switches to present tense.
"It's duct tape" says the Dentist, "I can't afford proper dental equipment and the government won't provide me any aid, so I've been using duct tape as an all-purpose dental tool." N
"What are you gonna do with the tape?"
"Cover your teeth in it, then use it to rip off all the yellow staining. And probably a few layers of bone, but it won't bleed THAT much."
The man in the suit felt the Dentist's fingers wrapping his teeth very tightly in the tape. He felt the adhesiveness of it clinging to the surface of his teeth, and felt the bitter taste of the tape mix with the lemon flavor that still remained in his mouth. He gagged. The dentist clamped his fingers on to the tape and said, "Get ready for the yank!!" The man cringed as the dentist added, "Try not to get too much blood on my Dirt!"
Upstairs, the Dentist's television had been left on. The reception was poor so only a very vague, indistinct image was being broadcast over the skeletonized animals on the floor. It was a hit series about college girls going to parties and kissing charming men who never wore shirts. Even through the static on the almost completely broken television, it was possible to make out several sets of shiny, Perfect teeth.