A Series Of Fortunate Events
There is a book named after Lemony Snicket's long series of dumb unfortunate mishaps which happen to 3 little children, who do not have diabetes. That man is cruel. Very cruel. But anyway, I decided to write the whole book down so that you can read to your enjoyment about the fortunate events of 3 other children. Their names are Violin, Santa Klaus and Darky. So anyway, they were the Baldylairs. They lived in a cardboard box down the street, any street, as long as it was a street. One day they were in Liney Beige, when suddenly a round man, who was round, and not around, but round whose name was Mr. Poe, and no, he was not one of the Teletubbies, he came with a very dismal look and he was one of the Baldylairs' donators. He was very miserable, and said "My house has burnt down....no wait, I think I may have said something wrong. Ah yes, where was I? Oh yes, for dinner I'll bring you a shrimp, and about your cardboard box, well, somebody trod on it.
The baldylairs cried.
Chapter 1 - A beginning to a very fortunate story although the plotline just explained in the first part of the story, made it sound almost a direct copy of Lemony Snickets' tall tale, but this book is nothing like that.
They cried with joy. See, not saddening or anything depressing that would turn you emo. Anyway, the Baldylairs cried with joy, because now they could live in a separate home. So they had to live with Mr. Poe, who fed them shrimp, so much that one day Darky got sick of it, and barfed. but that was not sad, for it was the first time Darky had barfed, and then she smiled, and barfed again. One day, he told them that their father, Count Vader, had chosen to adopt them and it would be a great time, for you see he has a mansion, and he has 17 kids, who are all friendly and like to play toys and do fun activities all day long. SOUNDS LIKE HORROR, but it wasn't. So off they went in a small car.
Chapter 2 - Things which happen in cars are very strange, i remember that one day, my little brother barfed all over the seats, and we had to drive along for hours, with barf all over the car, it was a carpool, you could say, but a pool of well...um...barf.
Then they reached his ugly dismal, devious looking house which looked nothing like what it had stated on the brochure.
It stated, "COME STAY AT VADER'S LOVELY HOME, YOU MEDDLING KIDS".
Of course, he was probably talking about the gang, you know the monster hunting, mythbusting gang, they have a cartoon named Scooby Doo or something like that. Blah, they stayed, he smacked Santa Klaus's face cause he didn't cook pie. He served them raw salmon each day and made them do his chores like paint eyes, or stuff like that. It was so miserable....until ONE DAY, they went to their neighbour's house, a witch, who's name was Injustice Straws, and she concocted a potion to make Count Vader very kind and nice and loving to children, and all that kind of stuff. But it went wrong, horribly wrong, but the Baldylairs did not know that, so they poured it in his drink, and said Healthy Drink and stuff about nutritional information, then they left. He drank it, and died.
YAY! They said, they were so overjoyed, they cried. But with joy, of course.
Chapter 3 - A Chapter about Mr. Poe saying "Oh my, what a mess!" and other stuff that British people tend to say while coughing and choking on spit.
Then they heard the doorbell, and they hid the body in the fridge. They opened the door, and took the pizza from the pizza dude, shot him, stored his body in the freezer, and opened the door again, shot the Bulletproof Monk, but it bounced off, shot him again, and again, and then took a rocket launcher and blew his guts up, collected the parts, strung them together and tied them, and stored them in a barrel of wine. Then they opened the door again, and met Mr. Poe, and he saw blood in the garden and said "WHAT NICE RED PLANTS YOU HAVE!".
And they replied, "ALL THE BETTER TO EAT YOU WITH! NO WAIT...SORRY". Then they slammed the door in his face, flattened his nose and got sued by the Big Bad Wolf, for copying his quote. Mr. Poe died the following day, and people complained about the stench in the garden, so the Baldylairs killed everyone in the neighbourhood, along with Injustice Straws, partly because she was a fraud. And they lived happily ever after, with no people to bother them.
AND WHEN I SAY NO PEOPLE, I MEAN IT.
Literally. I do.
Chapter 4 - The play bit when they join Universal Studios, for your information the play is a marriage and a car drives off, oh the humanity!
They join Universal Studios, stuff like that. Then one day, they received a letter. They had to perform in this marriage play thingymabobber. So they went, but then Count Voder, Count Vader's one of 17 sons came and tried to shit on everyone, so the Baldylairs shot him, but he managed to escape in a getaway car, drove away cackling madly and crashed into a big oil tanker. He died instantly.