A Tale of Two Unhygienic Fellows, Both of Whom Possessed Old Ferrets
Written in 2002 by a plumber, A Tale of Two Unhygienic Fellows, Both of Whom Possessed Old Ferrets is a script that never quite made it to film production. This can be explained by the fact that the author ran around asking trees if they could make his script into a movie.
Scene 1: The Park/Intro
In a calm park, a man sits on a bench, reading the paper. There are birds everywhere, chirping ang jumping around merrily. The man reading the paper looks up. He glares at one of the birds, and then goes back to reading. A man is riding a bicycle in the park, and crashes into a tree. He is pleading for help, making odd screeching noises.
Man: Those birds... if only I had a high powered rifle I woud blow their heads off. Each one of them. They make the most obnoxious sounds!
Injured Man: IIIIIIIEEEEEEEA! AAAaaggg-hack!
Man: Those birds! Wait a second, I do have a high-powered rifle!
The man reaches into his jacket and pulls out a small squirt gun. He begins squirting it at the birds. All the while, two nuns noticed the injured man and run over to assist him.
Nun 1: I think he needs CPR, sister!
Nun 2: Me too! Here, take this hammer!
Nun 1: Thank you, sister! (She begins pounding the injured man in the chest with the hammer.) This is how you do it, right, sister?
Nun 2: Yes, yes it is! I think! That's what they told me to do when I was in the WWE! So, I'm going to find some help, sister!
Nun 2 begins running in circles. She is checking in bushes looking for help. Mean while, the man is still squirting at the birds.
Man: Take that, you feeble avians! (A leave drops from a tree. The man immediately starts squirting it.) You too, you stupid lizard! I hate lizards!
Nun 2: (Sticking her head into a rose bush.) Help? Are you there? (She yanks her head out, resulting in long cuts across her face.) I wonder where help could be! I know, in Texas!
Nun 2 begins running in the direction of Texas. As she is sprinting across the street, she is hit by a truck that has several swords attached to front for some reason. As the blood flies, the driver looks delighted. His two daughters cheer in the back seat. The man is still squirting at the leaf. Nun 1 stops pounding the injured man's chest.
Nun 1: This doesn't seem to be working sister. (Looks around.) Sister? Sister? Is she dishing again? Oh well, I better use something else. (Pulls out a machete.) Ah, this looks nice.
Nun 1 begins hacking the injured man violently. The man stops squirting the leaf, and walks over to her.
Man: Cutting up your cow for dinner, ma'am?
Nun 1: No, I'm trying to save this man's life by performing CPR!
Man: Wow, lady, you're really fucked in the head. Everyone knows that you aren't supposed to use machetes! You're supposed to use a butcher knife for CPR!
Nun 2: Well it appears I'm out of luck, then, because I have this, a hammer, and two anchors. That is all.
Man Fool.
The man walks away, leaving the nun still hacking. Eventually, she stops and begins dancing in the blood, as though she were a child playing in a sprinkler. The man is walking towards a diner.
Man 1: (Reading sign.) Chin's Chinese Restaurant. Well, at least it isn't asian food, it's Chinese. I hate asian food. (Walks inside.)
Scene 2: The Diner
The man, who we now discover is named "Jack", due to the large nametag, is sitting at the diner. He is playing with two straws and acting like they are swords. Another man, Frank, (We know his name because he is my neighbor) walks in and is watching Jack intently.
Jack: Ching! Ching! Bing! Shingggg! Tink!
Frank: (To waitress.) Get me a seat, ma'am.
Waitress: Well, the only room we have is next to that guy with the straws.
Frank: That'll be fine, ma'am. Just get me a fucking seat.
The waitress takes him over to the table. Frank sits down. The woman holds up a sign saying: "I'm a virgin". The audience says "What the hell", and then Frank farts.
Frank: Ooooo, that was nice. Glad I let that animal out of its cage! Whew!
Jack: (Looking up.) Who the heck are you? And what is that delightful smell?
Frank: I am Frank. That smell is my lunch.
Jack: Frank? Can I put you on a grill and eat you?
Frank: What the hell?
Jack: You know, like beef franks. You know. Beef. Like beef franks. You know? You know, right? Like beef franks. Like hot dogs. Except franks. Right? You should know that right? I mean, this one time I was eating dinner and then I saw a frog. This frog stared at me, and I stared at it. It was a very grim time, both of us staring at eachother with intent. It was very tense. It was almost like a staring contest, but half the time he was blinking. Anyhow, my wife came home and tried to talk to me, but I was too concerned with the frog. She kicked me and left the house crying. Still that frog and I stared. And we kept staring. And we kept staring. And we kept staring. And we kept staring. And we kept staring. And we kept staring. And we kept staring. And we kept staring. And we kept staring. And we kept staring. And we kept staring. And we kept staring. And we kept staring. And we kept staring. And we kept staring. And we kept staring. And we kept staring. And we kept staring. And we kept staring. And we kept staring. And we kept staring. And we kept staring. And we kept staring. And we kept staring. And we kept staring. And this went on for twenty days. Twenty days. I think after ten minuted the frog went away, but I kept staring because it was fun. I was having franks that night. They were really -- Frank?
Frank: (Sleeping.) Zzzzzzzzzz...
Jack: Well, as I was saying, the franks were really good. Are you really good, Frank?
Frank: (Sleeping.) Zzzzzzzzzz...
Jack: Cool! I'm not sure how yogurt has anything to do with this, but that's good.
Frank: (Waking up.) Mmmmmm. I have a pet ferret.
jack: I do not.
Frank: Well, (Pulls gun.) Then you shall pay the consequences.
A man at the other table see the two men. Noticing something, he begins yelling.
Other Man: Ah! Somebody call the police! That man has... has... LIVER WITHOUT KETCHUP!!!
Frank: Wait, what?
Everyone leaves the restaurant screaming. Jack and Frank are alone.
Jack: Say, want to go to Wyoming?
Frank: Sure.
The two men leave, holding eachother's hand and skip merrily down the street ina gay fashion. A certain someone becomes aroused.
Scene 3: On the Plane
Jack and Frank are on a plane. They are sitting together, Jack has a sack of (pea)nuts and Frank is drinking something. A stewardess walks by and asks if they would like a snack, and Jack takes a frozen frog ear.
Jack: Quite a ride, isn' it?
Frank: Yes, this is quite fun. You know what? I have a ferret.
Jack: I do not.
After a moment of silence, snakes begin popping out of every single crevice in the plane. People are screaming everywhere, and then Samuel L. Jackson runs down the aisle of the plane.
Samuel L. Jackson: We got muthafuckin' snakes!
Jack: (In awe.) Is that Samuel L. Jackson?
Frank: I don't know. let's ask the man on the other side of the aisle. Hey, dude, is that Samuel L. Jackson?
Man on the other side of the aisle: Yes, I think it is. Now, I have to go to the bathroom. (Gets up.) Now which one of these doors is the bathroom? (He opens the 'Emergency Exit' door and falls do his death.)
Frank: Haha! What a bloody idiot!
Jack: I wonder if the screaming stewardess will bring the salad I ordered.
As everyone is panicing, A light turns on. It shows snakes biting people in the neck. Another light turns on, this time showing the seat belt icon. The captain's voice comes over the audio system.
Captain Everyone please fasten your seatbelts. Yes, there are snakes, but be calm and they won't bite you. Not really. We will be landing shortly, so most of you won't get killed from the snakes' venom. Have a nice day.
Jack: (Looking around.) Wait, there are snakes?
At precisely that moment Jack gets bit in the nose by a snake. His nose starts to swell up immediately and he starts to feel nausiated.
Jack: I don't feel so good.....
Frank: I think you're dying, jack!
Jack: Call me Jacques. I always wanted to be called Jacques.
Frank: Ok, Jacques. What do you want me to do with your body?
Jacques: Burn it and throw it into the Ganges river in India. P-p-please....
Frank: Ok, anything you say Jacques!
Jacques dies in Franks arms. He gets a smug look on his face. Smauel L. Jackson runs down the aisle with seven snakes attached to his leg and is yelling profanities.
Frank: Well, now that you're dead... (Picks up Jacques' body.) I should keep you in the bathroom so no one sees you. (Opens the 'Emergency Exit' door and throws the body out.) Oh, whoops! Wrong door!
Captain: We are beginning our descent. Please buckle your seat belts, and calm the fuck down. They're only snakes. If you get bit, just hope it bites you in the foot so you have time to get to the hospital. (Gets bit in the foot.) Oh, jesus.
Scene 4: Wyoming
Frank is walking in a wide Wyoming Meadow. He looks around, doesn't notice anyone, then pulls out something out of his pocket. It is hard to see, for the view is obstructed... by a large fish.
Frank: What the? When did this fish get here?
Fish: I amn't here. You are seeing things.
Frank: Oh. I always knew there was something wrong with me.
Fish: Anyhow...
Frank: This is awkward...
Fish: ...
The two stand, moving around in an awkward fashion. They keep looking around and coughing. This ensues for roughly twenty-two minutes. A school marching band begins playing mussic and the Fish starts to dance.
Fish: I love dancing!
The band walks away, fading the music out. The fish stops dancing. Once again, the awkward moment continues for thirty-four minutes. Then Frank takes something out of his pocket.
Frank: Why, it's a key! (Cue dramatic music.) I wonder what this could be for!
Fish: I am unaware.
The dramatic music continues for roughly fifteen minutes. Then, without warning, the fish turns into a man.
Fish/Man: It looks like that key was the key to my switch back to humanity! I was possessed in the body of a fish for years of my life, my life, wasted, swimming in ponds.... oh, how lovely to be free!
The Fish/Man runs into the street with enthusiasm.
Fish/man: Oh, how I love roads!
Unpredictably, the Fish/Man is not hit by a moving vehicle. Instead, he goes over to a gas station, which blows up.