Abduction
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Fred was watching Lost. He didn't understand it so he changed the channel to A&E. Hoarders was on. He then heard a strange UFO noise.
"A UFO again?" asked Fred rhetorically.
He walked outside and saw a UFO hovering about 5 feet off of the ground.
"What do you want?" Fred asked.
"I want you," the alien said in a very cliche sounding alien voice.
"Are you sure you don't want to come inside?" Fred asked hopefully.
"Aw, hell, why not?"
The green alien slipped out of his UFO and walked into his house.
He sat down on Fred's couch and laughed at Hoarders, "Wow! What is wrong with these people?"
Fred sat down beside him, "I know, right? They keep everything they've ever had. I mean, how could you do that?"
The alien agreed with him.
Fred was curious, "So what's your name?"
The alien looked at Fred, "My name is Tylexo. Kinda weird. It was my grandpa's name I think. I really don't know. What's yours?"
Fred smiled, "My name is Fredrick. But everyone calls me Fred."
Tylexo looked at Fred again, "Are you that annoying kid on YouTube?"
Fred shook his head, "Hell no. I hate that kid as much as everyone else in their right mind."
Tylexo was content with that answer, "Want to make some popcorn?"
Fred shrugged, "Why not? I think I have some Jiffy Pop in the cabinet. I'll make it if you want."
Tylexo responded, "If you could be so kind."
Fred got up off of the couch and walked towards the cabinet. Just then Tylexo's phone rang. He didn't hear it because his phone was so loud. His ringtone was the X-Files theme. The call was from Alien HQ, the people that sent him. They noticed that his location was unmoving and they feared the worst fear ever; that Fred had kidnapped him. Would it be called alien abduction? Or human abduction. Neither sounds right.
Alien HQ sent an operative to bring Tylexo back home.
Fred was still making the Jiffy Pop when he heard knock on the door.
He answered it to see an alien staring at him.
The alien said an almost recited line, "My name is Deehanimix and I have come to annihilate you and to bring back our operative."
Fred raised his eyebrows at him, "Um... Do you want to come inside? Hoarders is on."
Deehanimix was excited, "You kidding? I love that show. Oh hell! This is the episode where that guy never throws anything away!"
Just then Tylexo cut in, "That's every episode."
"But still," Deehanimix insisted, "Am I wrong?"
Fred and Tylexo both shrugged at the notion. He was not wrong in a sense but he was very vague and redundant.
The Jiffy Pop finished and Fred brought it to his coffee table. It was a commercial break so they decided to talk.
"So," Deehanimix asked, "What do you do for a living, Fred?"
Fred was proud of his answer, "Professional pizza tester. Best job in the world."
Tylexo smiled, "Sounds like it."
Fred, "I used to impersonate policemen but then I got arrested. That was a good job. I got $7.25 an hour."
Tylexo and Deehanimix both looked at each other and didn't want to mention that $7.25 was minimum wage.
Just then, Deehanimix's phone rang. His ringtone, too was the X-Files theme song. It gave him chills and that's why he liked it. It was a solicitor. No, it wasn't Alien HQ. They wanted to sell him UFO insurance.
Two minutes later his phone went off again and this time it was Alien HQ. They were getting very worried. They sent one of their best operatives to recover their agents.
Fred, Tylexo, and Deehanimix were still watching Hoarders and there was a knock on the door.
Fred answered it and he saw another alien, "My name is Roswelliamos and I have come to- Is that Hoarders?"
He stepped inside and sat down on the couch next to his two other alien brethren.
They continued to laugh at the people on Hoarders.
The Alien HQ didn't even bother calling Roswelliamos' phone. They decided to make a drastic move and send their leader Orbos.
He didn't bother knocking. He kicked down the door and looked at Fred and paralyzed him, "I have come to recover my operatives. Don't try to move, you will only hurt yourself and look like a fool by your facial expressions."
Tylexo leaned over and looked at his leader, "Dude! Hoarders is on."
Orbos un-paralyzed Fred, "Aw, shit, man. I love that show."
They all sat down and ate lots and lots of popcorn. After about a half an hour a cop walked into the broken down doorframe.
"What the hell?" the fat cop exclaimed, "Aliens!"
Tylexo shook his head, "No; we're Mexicans."
"Oh that explains a lot," the cop realized. He walked away.
Two seconds later the cop walked back into Fred's living room, "No. The guy who does my lawns is Mexican and you look absolutely nothing like him. You aliens are coming with me."
Deehanimix laughed, "Where? Downtown? This is the suburbs, bub, we ain't goin' anywhere."
The cop sheathed his weapon, "Oh really now?"
Orbos was caught off-guard, "Shit! He's got a piece! Okay, okay. Everyone be calm."
The cop was just about to pull out his handcuffs and then he glanced at the TV.
The cop was too, caught off guard, "Damn! I love this show."
The cop, Fred, Tylexo, Deehanimix, Roswelliamos, and Orbos all were in Fred's living room watching Hoarders.
Just then, President Obama came to his door trying to campaign. He walked in and said, "I hope you vote for me for the 2012 election. Oh, is that Hoarders? Fuckin' hate that show."
The cop, Fred, Tylexo, Deehanimix, Roswelliamos, and Orbos all looked at Obama and in unison said, "What the fuck you just say?"
Obama backed up, "Let's all be rational here."
The cop pulled out his gun, "You gonna need Universal Healthcare for this one."
The cop fired many, many, many, many bullets into Obama. He lay on the ground still alive and aware. Fred and the four aliens had a stomping fest on his face.
"That's what you get for disrespecting Hoarders, mother fucka!" shouted Fred.
Tylexo spit in his eyes, Deehanimix peed on him, Roswelliamos teabagged him, and best of all, Orbos took a shit on him.
They all then realized at the same time that they had just killed the president. They decided that they were going to put his body in a carpet, mob style and burned it in a dumpster.
"Thank God we're done with that," said Fred while wiping the blood off of his hands.
They all went back to Fred's house and laughed at Hoarders some more.
The moral? Aliens and cops laugh at other people's problems. We're all terrible people.