Beards
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You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi! Stranger: a funny thing just happened You: british parliament wishes it was hung like me You: orly? Stranger: government joke! You: totally You: so, you were boring us about something "funny"? You: :P You: shoot Stranger: Hilarious. Stranger: I was typing "hey", when I mistyped and wrote "hery" You: BAHAHAHAHAHAHA Stranger: I think they thought I meant hairy and disconnected You: i would have done the same Stranger: your joke was more funny You: feel free to steal it Stranger: yoohoo! Stranger: Ok, tell another one You: i'm not yo clown foo Stranger: you don't have some, guy-walks-into-a-bar joke? You: a dyslexic guy walks into a bra Stranger: HA~! Stranger: great! Stranger: Consider it stolen! You: :P You: doctor doctor, i've broken my leg! Yes you have, it is bad and you will never walk again Stranger: oh no. You: yeah You: harsh realities Stranger: why did the pirate fall off the swing? Stranger: Because he had no ARRRRRRMs. You: why not You: poor pirate You: i hope he's okay You: y Stranger: They collect injuries, like trophies You: i suppose You: still Stranger: eye patch, wood leg You: beard Stranger: to cover their rotting teeth You: i like them, wanna talk about facial hair? You: i have loads You: some of it's mine Stranger: goatee? You: goatsee Stranger: moustachio? You: the whole chebang You: the meal deal Stranger: sideburns? You: the full 100 Stranger: mutton chops? You: kinda pube-like though Stranger: hitler-stache? You: bad gemnes You: genemsy Stranger: werewolf genes. paid for by gillette You: my flatmate has some facial toperiory Stranger: pruned or waxed? You: sometimes i snip bits off whilst he sleeps and file it Stranger: file it alphabetically? You: do you have a beard? You: beardabetically Stranger: oh no. that was low. Stranger: no beard, but a board. a pinboard You: if by low you mean awesome You: shame, i like beards Stranger: low as in, I think you broke something You: boards can be a bit untrustworthy Stranger: they tend to lie You: but, the real question is, do you really have a beard? Stranger: unless you are the chairman of one. Then you would never lie. You: stop dodging the question beardy Stranger: I'm letting one hair grow so that I can braid it with itself You: touché Stranger: if it gets long enough it can double as a toupee You: whats your name? Stranger: Why, you want to Google me? You: nah, just making polite conversation :) Stranger: how much do you weigh? You: first name is fine :) Stranger: just making polite conversation You: well, got a combined weight of 28 stone Stranger: oh noes! Stones? I hate stones! You: great for killing if you happen to be middle eastern Stranger: What the hell are stones anyway. oh shit, I hate stones. You: aparently, according to my little book of stereotypes. Stranger: what a horrible unit of measurement. Stranger: It's as bad as nautical miles. Stranger: no, worse You: small solid objects formed by cooling magma Stranger: or sedentary action You: or a unit of weight equal to 14 pounds You: do da math You: anyway beardyman, what's your name :D You: stones is how we roll in englandshire Stranger: so, if a pound is about 1.5 euro (izzat right?), that makes 1.5 x 14 x 28 is 588 euro. You: wnatam Stranger: not so cheap You: oonpasm You: fuck Stranger: also not so expensive You: name? :P You: broken keyboard You: my name is Jon Stranger: no one has ever called me "broken keyboard" before. I'll take it as a compliment You: if that helps You: fine, from now on, you are dave Stranger: Ok, Jon. You: spoo dave, you got a beard or what? Stranger: Dave1 maybe. It tastes like the internet cooked it up. You: Dave1 You: i can roll with that Stranger: you thought it was a joke. No really. Just that one damn hair. You: i dsidh that once You: i called it edward You: we had all sorts of fun together Stranger: It's a whole love/hate relationship with that damn hair You: shame you dont have one You: it's awesome You: if you don't have a beard, you aren't a man Stranger: i've got other stuff though You: i knew a guy once You: he had a beard Stranger: does this have to do with Nantucket? You: what about you? be nice to know another person with a beard. You: you got one? Stranger: no way, man. No circus-beard for me! You: shaymoe,u know what you should grow? Stranger: tomatoes? You: shame* You: a beard You: i like to stroke mine to appear more intelligent Stranger: sort of a 19th c. shipping magnate beard? You: plus i find it quite enjoyable Stranger: when you are 75 you will look like Santa Stranger: or an Indian guru You: pfft, santa will look like me Stranger: you'll need some more Stones first You: i don;t really trust people without beards You: you must have one? Stranger: Maybe I've got one lying around somewhere Stranger: Under the couch You: just grow one, only takes a few minutes if you try hard You: you do sound like you have a beard Stranger: Insta-beard You: you have a beardesque aura about you Stranger: Sorry to break it to you, but sometimes the Internet is not what it seems You: i can read auras, with my beard You: it also doubles as a dish for cable Stranger: and to hold food for later Stranger: and as a mousetrap You: anyway, i'm bored of talking about beards, wanna talk about something else? Stranger: do you play the banjo You: you have a moustache? Stranger: not even one, can you believe it? You: no You: no way You: you have a beard and no moustache/ You: ?? Stranger: you gotz a probleem wit da banjo, punk? You: i jelosve the banjo, they call me the banjomeister round my parts You: its cus of the beard You: love* Stranger: banjists don't have beards. Stranger: I've heard a line in my life You: never played one, mind. Don't really know how that nickname came about, i wouldn't know which end to blow in Stranger: how many stones is a banjo? You: at least 3, i should think You: just coamlmomon ssense Stranger: ha ha. NONE! Banjos are made of wood! You: almost the weight of a beard You: wood weighs stuff too Stranger: your plutonium beard, maybe You: its true i wikipediad it Stranger: does it glow in the dark? You: jon, i think it was a poor attempt at humour You: wait Stranger: no, you're Jon. You: Dave1 Stranger: Ha ha. gotcha. Stranger: how dare you give a false identity to a stranger on the internet??? You: I dont like Dave now You: I'll call you dragonmaster1337 You: no, wait You: did i say dragonmaster1337? You: i meant Dave Stranger: oh no! That sounds like a 23 year old basement-of-parents dweller You: so, drew, do you have a beard? Stranger: you're not one of those, are you? You: im not TWENTY three, if thats what you mean... You: i have a beard Stranger: ok. I have a beard. I have lots of beards You: guess Stranger: I don't care You: i've never trusted people with beards You: shave, man Stranger: I'm going to shave it all, except for one long hair You: no way, beards are cool Stranger: ok I get it You: seriously though man, you gotta stop talking about beards You: getting strange now Stranger: You are 23. You live in Leistershire. You: what's your fave? Stranger: You are studying to become an IT guy You: close You: i am 19 You: i live in london You: and i am gTaHyE it guy You: oops Stranger: such a quant little village You: broken keyboard Stranger: not much going on there at nights though. shame You: :/ You: backspace is all messed up You: but seriously, you got a beard? You: even a small one? Stranger: ok gay guy. prove it. You: like, a single long hair or something? You: loook brenda, why do i have to prove to you i'm gay, the spandex not enough? You: trust me You: i love the cock Stranger: what is romeo.com? Stranger: no checking You: uh Stranger: gotcha You: something about gay You: note to self: stranger is clear gay Stranger: not how you think, though You: lesbian? Stranger: could be You: cmon cmon cmon You: wow, dave, thats awesome. Stranger: Davette? You: we shall see You: i knew a lesbian once, he was co You: cool Stranger: co-existant? Stranger: co-dependant? Stranger: co-unterproductive? You: but seriously, dave, you gonna aquire a beard? Stranger: from the shave-trimmings of my flatmates, duh You: you could put glue on your chin next time you go down on someone...instabeard Stranger: no circus-beards for me. You: aw Stranger: it doesn't go with the banjo Stranger: like mixing spandex and plaid You: you got a beard? to go with that banjo? Stranger: no, but the banjo.... You: spandex and plaid is a great combo Stranger: plaid spandex? Stranger: scottish spandex? Stranger: Scotland arrives in the 20th century. Stranger: A little late, but what the hell. You: like korduroy kombat klothing Stranger: resiliant, stylish, yet breathable You: and can be worn either to war or a board meeting Stranger: sometimes it's the same thing You: i dont know what kind of wars you've been in Stranger: but what do you wear under the plaid spandex? It's a logistical problem You: but spandex and a beard are not a good combo Stranger: opium wars, space invaders wars You: under it you wear a fishnet vest and stockings Stranger: too much static Stranger: you could really be onto something there You: also, i've been meaning to ask you if you have a beard Stranger: it would get a little cold though, that's why you need the beard You: a beard with spandex? Are you mad? Stranger: So, Jonny, do you ever take time to really think about things? You: seriously though, you have been blathering about beards for far too long Stranger: I mean, to sit down and mull. You: what's your favourate garden implement? You: i always liked shovels till i got a hedgetrimmer Stranger: What about the hoe? You: no worries, she's locked in the cupboard Stranger: does an anglegrinder count as a garden implement? Stranger: do you know how to weld? You: probably not, do you anglegrind the spuds or something? Stranger: metal spuds You: they call me sir weldalot round my parts Stranger: that could be dangerous. Welding around your parts I mean You: dunno why, never welded, guess it's just the beard Stranger: might get caught on fire You: it's okay, i have a heatproof groincover Stranger: got an anglegrinder? You: nah, i got one of those gardens though Stranger: no way you live in London then Stranger: unless you mean to say balcony You: london-ish You: that's what allotments are for Stranger: hahahahaha Suburban you You: i live just outside of london in birmingham Stranger: "just outside?" You: a mere 2 hour commute You: as the crow flies Stranger: well, it's a good thing you're typing, because otherwise I wouldn't understand a damn thing you're saying You: its very simple You: i actually live in the suburbs of london You: you? Stranger: I know that giving someone a "Backie" is not as weird as it sounds You: it is in my house You: ut seriously dave, we still don't know your name Stranger: I = Switz You: a backie is either giving someone a ride on your bike (they stand on the grind pegs) or anal sex You: depends on if it's for practicality, or a thats what she said joke Stranger: oh. It is what I thought. Hmmm. I learned it in the bike sense You: so you are a swiss lesbian called Dave1 You: hows that working out for you? Stranger: I is not Swiss. Just live there You: traitor, i will see you hang from the docks before dawn for this! You: sorry You: i meant You: where are you originally from? Stranger: Trying to keep away from the UK. It wouldn't be so bad, except for the British people, the pounds, the STONES, and the weather You: keys are well close together and stuff Stranger: San Francisco You: ah, the big apple Stranger: @#$%^#$%& Stranger: London, right, the city of lights You: thats us Stranger: London is the city of overpriced everything Stranger: and drunken sloggers You: so is Washington DC in San Fransisco or vice versa? Stranger: Are you trying to make the Amis look like they're good at geography? You: when i visited vice city, that was proper expencive too. lucky i had my beard. Stranger: that's useful in London with all the CCTV You: also, where the hell is liberty city? Stranger: philly You: ah You: sounds lame Stranger: way lame. Duuuuude You: im a CCTV installation engineer Stranger: asswipe You: actually, i get to watch people do just that Stranger: go deinstall them. right now You: i work mainly in public toilets Stranger: bad you Stranger: I wouldn't want to watch all those random people You: i'm not a CCTV deinstallation engineer Stranger: some of them are fat and ugly You: that's handled by someone else Stranger: when they're not too busy handling themselves You: we installation engineers hate the deinstallation engineers, goes way back to the 1920s Stranger: family fued You: undooing all our hard beardy work Stranger: feud Stranger: oh GAWD You: dunno how i got a job as a CCTV installation engineer, ive never even touched a CCTV camera Stranger: sounds like British efficiency Stranger: you could really make it in Marseille with those skillz You: but seriously, you talk too much, i wanna know if you have a beard more. Stranger: fuck you and the beard you rode in on You: i think that was 19 or 20 You: not a bad run Stranger: I'm going to send the beard police after you You: i am the beard police Stranger: abuse of power You: i just asked if you had a beard like, 20 times You: and you put up with it You: how the hell? Stranger: and it gets better every time!!!! You: i wish i had a beard to ride You: maybe some day... Stranger: A mediocre joke crosses the line into bad, and then meteorically rises into good You: so fran sansicfro eh? You: whats it like there? You: looks like their might be some hills You: just checking it out on google Stranger: cold expensive big. but not as many british gits as london You: very hilly You: gits? Stranger: it's a wod Stranger: word You: never heard that word You: sounds made up Stranger: A git? You: where? Stranger: git=wanker You: hmm Stranger: i get my (outdated) british slang from the expats here You: git (according to google) is a fast version control system Stranger: http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/git You: doesnt mean wanker You: trust Stranger: not so far off You: just a generic insult for an idiot, or rude obnoxious bastard Stranger: bar steward You: in the same way wanker can mean that, but really it's a ferociaous masterbator, like a friend of mine Stranger: Gordon Brown? Stranger: that's a pile of sexy man-fleisch there, eh? You: he enjoys too much porn, and has loads of pictures of hermione in his pink room, and suspicious stains on the bed. You: gordon brown sure is sexy You: i'd tap that Stranger: imagine the offspring of Gordon brown and Angela Merkel You: i'd throw my banana at both of those You: and the kids Stranger: the poor kids You: if gordon brown and stevie wonder had a kid, would it be blind in 3 eyes? Stranger: it would be semi-liquid Stranger: sort of a sludge Stranger: oozing with tentacles You: gordon already looks like someone held a candle under his face You: slightly melted Stranger: maybe it would help, actually Stranger: it couldn't hurt in any case You: his waxwork must have been easy to make Stranger: oh god, there is a waxwork of him? will the horrror not stop? You: there is a waxwork of /everyone/ Stranger: Prince Charles? You: it's like a human library Stranger: Hmmm.. Prince Charley and Angela Merkel Stranger: imagine the kids You: there's even one of my beard Stranger: it's my turn: do you have a beard? You: what the hell is a beard? Stranger: it's a large creature who lives in the forest. Sorry for the typo. BEAR You: does the bear have a beard? Stranger: is the pope catholic You: whilst we're on the subject of asking whether things have beards, do you have a beard? Stranger: what is that, #34 by now? You: oh, you know about the pope? You: i didnt know they had pope in switzerland Stranger: just copy and paste a few so you can run up your total Stranger: haven't you heard of the Swiss Guards? You: are condom machines popular in the vatican? Stranger: why use condoms? Altar boys can't get pregnant. You: i would imagine condoms are, with all the child abuse Stranger: heard the pope song on youtube? You: hyeearsd the beard song on beardtube? Stranger: it better have pirates in it Stranger: or I want my money back You: it has beards You: that good enough? You: beards are close to pirates Stranger: I have a rare eye condition that renders beards invisible to me You: normally within a few inches of their noses Stranger: It's called beard-opia You: sounds terrible You: i have sa rare beard condition that renders eyes invisible You: gets dsifficult at times Stranger: eyes are overrated You: if you have a condition that renders beards invisible, you probably have a beard then and don't know about it. You: maybe you should see your doctor and get checked Stranger: oh no. I have a very good council of advisors who inform me of such things You: that beard might be catching Stranger: they would never hide such a thing from me You: woah...i might have eyes and not know! Stranger: could you cease to be, if you tried? You: well yeah You: obviously You: here goes... You: ... You: ...... You: .............. You: no You: cant do that Stranger: is "to be" and "to exist" always the same? You: spelled differently, for a start Stranger: could they operate independantly of each other? You: maybe they are different genders, and when they have a special cuddle, an existance is born You: depp You: deep Stranger: johnny depp You: i always preferred his brother, orlando bloom Stranger: like the virginia woolf novel? You: but, as long as beards are involved, i'll have the horn Stranger: sorry, huh? the horn? You: you mkinow You: and if you don't, missy, you don't wanna know ;D You: but i'll tell you anyway You: it means horny You: i have the horn = im horny You: seteh? Stranger: ha. you cad. Stranger: gosh You: got a buncha trombones lying around Stranger: zzzzz You: ,didi mention im a trombone instilation engineer? Stranger: sounds complicated You: i also install beards for a living Stranger: Beard deinstallation is more common. With a straight razor Stranger: What an exotic profession Stranger: all that lather You: once i got a request for a double ended loop the loop 8 foot mega beard Stranger: like willy wonka's chocolate factory. Stranger: sounds unhygenic You: would you rather... You: fight a giant robot You: or You: fight a tiny robot Stranger: eat asperagus Stranger: could I fly? Stranger: If I could fly, I would take a tazer and taze the shit out of the big robot, disrupting his systems You: asperagus can't fly Stranger: asperagi? You: personally i would rather slide down a 50 foot razor blade Stranger: over his fallen robot corpse they would erect a monument to my bravery and sing songs You: haha, i'd be like... the uber emo You: i cut myself...in two Stranger: uber goth vs giant robot You: i do make a habit of cutting Stranger: trees? You: i cut my beeacr ond You: fffffff Stranger: cutting cheese? You: uck You: beard You: once Stranger: cutting loose on the dance floor? You: you knmowa nme all too well simon Stranger: cutting corners in your beard installation duties? You: but, i barely know you You: i don't even know if you have a beard or not Stranger: simon says: left hand on right shoulder Stranger: simon says: type with your tongue You: simon can suck a cock far as i'm concered Stranger: (keyboard needed cleaning anyway) You: that guy is a moron You: always getting people to do things, like some sort of slave driver Stranger: wail on brotha' You: i have a dream, that some day black kids and simon kids will be able to play together... Stranger: they smell funny Stranger: I've never been to the Ukraine You: black or simon? tread very carefully here You: enemies are easily made Stranger: and broken You: what with me being a second generation nigerian and all Stranger: what with me being a third generation simon and all You: i do have 15 million us dollar to put in your bank account You: just give your pin and sort code Stranger: just please kind sir send TELEX number You: i knew a black guy once You: that is all Stranger: was his name Dave? You: no Stranger: was it Howard? You: it was uncle thombas Stranger: no really?? You: narrowly avoiding some sort of steriotype You: he had a beard Stranger: Did you see the pope video? You: does it have moustaches? You: i was pope once Stranger: go watch. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fHRDfut2Vx0 You: not for long mind You: i advocated after banning condoms You: take that, africa Stranger: Hey Jonny Beard-o-mat. I is sleepy and has appt at 9am. Gonna crash and burn You: aww You: well it has been fun You: real name? Stranger: go watch the pope. You will shit yourself. All the way up to your beard You: come on, you got my real name :) Stranger: Bullshit your real name. You: Jon Roe Stranger: Molly You: thats a gay name :P night molly Stranger: zzzzzzzzzzzz You: nah, it's a nice name, :) Stranger: zzzzzz You: teh z You: fake sleepz Stranger: yeah yeah. good luck with the wankers. I's gone You: i think this is the longest conversatrion we managed with someone on omegle :P You: normally they skip at beards You: yeah Stranger: ahhhhh shut up with your motherfucking beards. 'night Your conversational partner has disconnected.