Beards

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  This article is quoted from a chatroom somewhere. 
<IRC>
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi! 
Stranger: a funny thing just happened 
You: british parliament wishes it was hung like me 
You: orly? 
Stranger: government joke! 
You: totally 
You: so, you were boring us about something "funny"? 
You: :P 
You: shoot 
Stranger: Hilarious. 
Stranger: I was typing "hey", when I mistyped and wrote "hery" 
You: BAHAHAHAHAHAHA 
Stranger: I think they thought I meant hairy and disconnected 
You: i would have done the same 
Stranger: your joke was more funny 
You: feel free to steal it 
Stranger: yoohoo! 
Stranger: Ok, tell another one 
You: i'm not yo clown foo 
Stranger: you don't have some, guy-walks-into-a-bar joke? 
You: a dyslexic guy walks into a bra 
Stranger: HA~! 
Stranger: great! 
Stranger: Consider it stolen! 
You: :P 
You: doctor doctor, i've broken my leg! Yes you have, it is bad and you will never walk again 
Stranger: oh no. 
You: yeah 
You: harsh realities 
Stranger: why did the pirate fall off the swing? 
Stranger: Because he had no ARRRRRRMs. 
You: why not 
You: poor pirate 
You: i hope he's okay 
You: y 
Stranger: They collect injuries, like trophies 
You: i suppose 
You: still 
Stranger: eye patch, wood leg 
You: beard 
Stranger: to cover their rotting teeth 
You: i like them, wanna talk about facial hair? 
You: i have loads 
You: some of it's mine 
Stranger: goatee? 
You: goatsee 
Stranger: moustachio? 
You: the whole chebang 
You: the meal deal 
Stranger: sideburns? 
You: the full 100 
Stranger: mutton chops? 
You: kinda pube-like though 
Stranger: hitler-stache? 
You: bad gemnes 
You: genemsy 
Stranger: werewolf genes. paid for by gillette 
You: my flatmate has some facial toperiory 
Stranger: pruned or waxed? 
You: sometimes i snip bits off whilst he sleeps and file it 
Stranger: file it alphabetically? 
You: do you have a beard? 
You: beardabetically 
Stranger: oh no. that was low. 
Stranger: no beard, but a board. a pinboard 
You: if by low you mean awesome 
You: shame, i like beards 
Stranger: low as in, I think you broke something 
You: boards can be a bit untrustworthy 
Stranger: they tend to lie 
You: but, the real question is, do you really have a beard? 
Stranger: unless you are the chairman of one. Then you would never lie. 
You: stop dodging the question beardy 
Stranger: I'm letting one hair grow so that I can braid it with itself 
You: touché 
Stranger: if it gets long enough it can double as a toupee 
You: whats your name? 
Stranger: Why, you want to Google me? 
You: nah, just making polite conversation :) 
Stranger: how much do you weigh? 
You: first name is fine :) 
Stranger: just making polite conversation 
You: well, got a combined weight of 28 stone 
Stranger: oh noes! Stones? I hate stones! 
You: great for killing if you happen to be middle eastern 
Stranger: What the hell are stones anyway. oh shit, I hate stones. 
You: aparently, according to my little book of stereotypes. 
Stranger: what a horrible unit of measurement. 
Stranger: It's as bad as nautical miles. 
Stranger: no, worse 
You: small solid objects formed by cooling magma 
Stranger: or sedentary action 
You: or a unit of weight equal to 14 pounds 
You: do da math 
You: anyway beardyman, what's your name :D 
You: stones is how we roll in englandshire 
Stranger: so, if a pound is about 1.5 euro (izzat right?), that makes 1.5 x 14 x 28 is 588 euro. 
You: wnatam 
Stranger: not so cheap 
You: oonpasm 
You: fuck 
Stranger: also not so expensive 
You: name? :P 
You: broken keyboard 
You: my name is Jon 
Stranger: no one has ever called me "broken keyboard" before. I'll take it as a compliment 
You: if that helps 
You: fine, from now on, you are dave 
Stranger: Ok, Jon. 
You: spoo dave, you got a beard or what? 
Stranger: Dave1 maybe. It tastes like the internet cooked it up. 
You: Dave1 
You: i can roll with that 
Stranger: you thought it was a joke. No really. Just that one damn hair. 
You: i dsidh that once 
You: i called it edward 
You: we had all sorts of fun together 
Stranger: It's a whole love/hate relationship with that damn hair 
You: shame you dont have one 
You: it's awesome 
You: if you don't have a beard, you aren't a man 
Stranger: i've got other stuff though 
You: i knew a guy once 
You: he had a beard 
Stranger: does this have to do with Nantucket? 
You: what about you? be nice to know another person with a beard. 
You: you got one? 
Stranger: no way, man. No circus-beard for me! 
You: shaymoe,u know what you should grow? 
Stranger: tomatoes? 
You: shame* 
You: a beard 
You: i like to stroke mine to appear more intelligent 
Stranger: sort of a 19th c. shipping magnate beard? 
You: plus i find it quite enjoyable 
Stranger: when you are 75 you will look like Santa 
Stranger: or an Indian guru 
You: pfft, santa will look like me 
Stranger: you'll need some more Stones first 
You: i don;t really trust people without beards 
You: you must have one? 
Stranger: Maybe I've got one lying around somewhere 
Stranger: Under the couch 
You: just grow one, only takes a few minutes if you try hard 
You: you do sound like you have a beard 
Stranger: Insta-beard 
You: you have a beardesque aura about you 
Stranger: Sorry to break it to you, but sometimes the Internet is not what it seems 
You: i can read auras, with my beard 
You: it also doubles as a dish for cable 
Stranger: and to hold food for later 
Stranger: and as a mousetrap 
You: anyway, i'm bored of talking about beards, wanna talk about something else? 
Stranger: do you play the banjo 
You: you have a moustache? 
Stranger: not even one, can you believe it? 
You: no 
You: no way 
You: you have a beard and no moustache/ 
You: ?? 
Stranger: you gotz a probleem wit da banjo, punk? 
You: i jelosve the banjo, they call me the banjomeister round my parts 
You: its cus of the beard 
You: love* 
Stranger: banjists don't have beards. 
Stranger: I've heard a line in my life 
You: never played one, mind. Don't really know how that nickname came about, i wouldn't know which end to blow in 
Stranger: how many stones is a banjo? 
You: at least 3, i should think 
You: just coamlmomon ssense 
Stranger: ha ha. NONE! Banjos are made of wood! 
You: almost the weight of a beard 
You: wood weighs stuff too 
Stranger: your plutonium beard, maybe 
You: its true i wikipediad it 
Stranger: does it glow in the dark? 
You: jon, i think it was a poor attempt at humour 
You: wait 
Stranger: no, you're Jon. 
You: Dave1 
Stranger: Ha ha. gotcha. 
Stranger: how dare you give a false identity to a stranger on the internet??? 
You: I dont like Dave now 
You: I'll call you dragonmaster1337 
You: no, wait 
You: did i say dragonmaster1337? 
You: i meant Dave 
Stranger: oh no! That sounds like a 23 year old basement-of-parents dweller 
You: so, drew, do you have a beard? 
Stranger: you're not one of those, are you? 
You: im not TWENTY three, if thats what you mean... 
You: i have a beard 
Stranger: ok. I have a beard. I have lots of beards 
You: guess 
Stranger: I don't care 
You: i've never trusted people with beards 
You: shave, man 
Stranger: I'm going to shave it all, except for one long hair 
You: no way, beards are cool 
Stranger: ok I get it 
You: seriously though man, you gotta stop talking about beards 
You: getting strange now 
Stranger: You are 23. You live in Leistershire. 
You: what's your fave? 
Stranger: You are studying to become an IT guy 
You: close 
You: i am 19 
You: i live in london 
You: and i am gTaHyE it guy 
You: oops 
Stranger: such a quant little village 
You: broken keyboard 
Stranger: not much going on there at nights though. shame 
You: :/ 
You: backspace is all messed up 
You: but seriously, you got a beard? 
You: even a small one? 
Stranger: ok gay guy. prove it. 
You: like, a single long hair or something? 
You: loook brenda, why do i have to prove to you i'm gay, the spandex not enough? 
You: trust me 
You: i love the cock 
Stranger: what is romeo.com? 
Stranger: no checking 
You: uh 
Stranger: gotcha 
You: something about gay 
You: note to self: stranger is clear gay 
Stranger: not how you think, though 
You: lesbian? 
Stranger: could be 
You: cmon cmon cmon 
You: wow, dave, thats awesome. 
Stranger: Davette? 
You: we shall see 
You: i knew a lesbian once, he was co 
You: cool 
Stranger: co-existant? 
Stranger: co-dependant? 
Stranger: co-unterproductive? 
You: but seriously, dave, you gonna aquire a beard? 
Stranger: from the shave-trimmings of my flatmates, duh 
You: you could put glue on your chin next time you go down on someone...instabeard 
Stranger: no circus-beards for me. 
You: aw 
Stranger: it doesn't go with the banjo 
Stranger: like mixing spandex and plaid 
You: you got a beard? to go with that banjo? 
Stranger: no, but the banjo.... 
You: spandex and plaid is a great combo 
Stranger: plaid spandex? 
Stranger: scottish spandex? 
Stranger: Scotland arrives in the 20th century. 
Stranger: A little late, but what the hell. 
You: like korduroy kombat klothing 
Stranger: resiliant, stylish, yet breathable 
You: and can be worn either to war or a board meeting 
Stranger: sometimes it's the same thing 
You: i dont know what kind of wars you've been in 
Stranger: but what do you wear under the plaid spandex? It's a logistical problem 
You: but spandex and a beard are not a good combo 
Stranger: opium wars, space invaders wars 
You: under it you wear a fishnet vest and stockings 
Stranger: too much static 
Stranger: you could really be onto something there 
You: also, i've been meaning to ask you if you have a beard 
Stranger: it would get a little cold though, that's why you need the beard 
You: a beard with spandex? Are you mad? 
Stranger: So, Jonny, do you ever take time to really think about things? 
You: seriously though, you have been blathering about beards for far too long 
Stranger: I mean, to sit down and mull. 
You: what's your favourate garden implement? 
You: i always liked shovels till i got a hedgetrimmer 
Stranger: What about the hoe? 
You: no worries, she's locked in the cupboard 
Stranger: does an anglegrinder count as a garden implement? 
Stranger: do you know how to weld? 
You: probably not, do you anglegrind the spuds or something? 
Stranger: metal spuds 
You: they call me sir weldalot round my parts 
Stranger: that could be dangerous. Welding around your parts I mean 
You: dunno why, never welded, guess it's just the beard 
Stranger: might get caught on fire 
You: it's okay, i have a heatproof groincover 
Stranger: got an anglegrinder? 
You: nah, i got one of those gardens though 
Stranger: no way you live in London then 
Stranger: unless you mean to say balcony 
You: london-ish 
You: that's what allotments are for 
Stranger: hahahahaha Suburban you 
You: i live just outside of london in birmingham 
Stranger: "just outside?" 
You: a mere 2 hour commute 
You: as the crow flies 
Stranger: well, it's a good thing you're typing, because otherwise I wouldn't understand a damn thing you're saying 
You: its very simple 
You: i actually live in the suburbs of london 
You: you? 
Stranger: I know that giving someone a "Backie" is not as weird as it sounds 
You: it is in my house 
You: ut seriously dave, we still don't know your name 
Stranger: I = Switz 
You: a backie is either giving someone a ride on your bike (they stand on the grind pegs) or anal sex 
You: depends on if it's for practicality, or a thats what she said joke 
Stranger: oh. It is what I thought. Hmmm. I learned it in the bike sense 
You: so you are a swiss lesbian called Dave1 
You: hows that working out for you? 
Stranger: I is not Swiss. Just live there 
You: traitor, i will see you hang from the docks before dawn for this! 
You: sorry 
You: i meant 
You: where are you originally from? 
Stranger: Trying to keep away from the UK. It wouldn't be so bad, except for the British people, the pounds, the STONES, and the weather 
You: keys are well close together and stuff 
Stranger: San Francisco 
You: ah, the big apple 
Stranger: @#$%^#$%& 
Stranger: London, right, the city of lights 
You: thats us 
Stranger: London is the city of overpriced everything 
Stranger: and drunken sloggers 
You: so is Washington DC in San Fransisco or vice versa? 
Stranger: Are you trying to make the Amis look like they're good at geography? 
You: when i visited vice city, that was proper expencive too. lucky i had my beard. 
Stranger: that's useful in London with all the CCTV 
You: also, where the hell is liberty city? 
Stranger: philly 
You: ah 
You: sounds lame 
Stranger: way lame. Duuuuude 
You: im a CCTV installation engineer 
Stranger: asswipe 
You: actually, i get to watch people do just that 
Stranger: go deinstall them. right now 
You: i work mainly in public toilets 
Stranger: bad you 
Stranger: I wouldn't want to watch all those random people 
You: i'm not a CCTV deinstallation engineer 
Stranger: some of them are fat and ugly 
You: that's handled by someone else 
Stranger: when they're not too busy handling themselves 
You: we installation engineers hate the deinstallation engineers, goes way back to the 1920s 
Stranger: family fued 
You: undooing all our hard beardy work 
Stranger: feud 
Stranger: oh GAWD 
You: dunno how i got a job as a CCTV installation engineer, ive never even touched a CCTV camera 
Stranger: sounds like British efficiency 
Stranger: you could really make it in Marseille with those skillz 
You: but seriously, you talk too much, i wanna know if you have a beard more. 
Stranger: fuck you and the beard you rode in on 
You: i think that was 19 or 20 
You: not a bad run 
Stranger: I'm going to send the beard police after you 
You: i am the beard police 
Stranger: abuse of power 
You: i just asked if you had a beard like, 20 times 
You: and you put up with it 
You: how the hell? 
Stranger: and it gets better every time!!!! 
You: i wish i had a beard to ride 
You: maybe some day... 
Stranger: A mediocre joke crosses the line into bad, and then meteorically rises into good 
You: so fran sansicfro eh? 
You: whats it like there? 
You: looks like their might be some hills 
You: just checking it out on google 
Stranger: cold expensive big. but not as many british gits as london 
You: very hilly 
You: gits? 
Stranger: it's a wod 
Stranger: word 
You: never heard that word 
You: sounds made up 
Stranger: A git? 
You: where? 
Stranger: git=wanker 
You: hmm 
Stranger: i get my (outdated) british slang from the expats here 
You: git (according to google) is a fast version control system 
Stranger: http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/git 
You: doesnt mean wanker 
You: trust 
Stranger: not so far off 
You: just a generic insult for an idiot, or rude obnoxious bastard 
Stranger: bar steward 
You: in the same way wanker can mean that, but really it's a ferociaous masterbator, like a friend of mine 
Stranger: Gordon Brown? 
Stranger: that's a pile of sexy man-fleisch there, eh? 
You: he enjoys too much porn, and has loads of pictures of hermione in his pink room, and suspicious stains on the bed. 
You: gordon brown sure is sexy 
You: i'd tap that 
Stranger: imagine the offspring of Gordon brown and Angela Merkel 
You: i'd throw my banana at both of those 
You: and the kids 
Stranger: the poor kids 
You: if gordon brown and stevie wonder had a kid, would it be blind in 3 eyes? 
Stranger: it would be semi-liquid 
Stranger: sort of a sludge 
Stranger: oozing with tentacles 
You: gordon already looks like someone held a candle under his face 
You: slightly melted 
Stranger: maybe it would help, actually 
Stranger: it couldn't hurt in any case 
You: his waxwork must have been easy to make 
Stranger: oh god, there is a waxwork of him? will the horrror not stop? 
You: there is a waxwork of /everyone/ 
Stranger: Prince Charles? 
You: it's like a human library 
Stranger: Hmmm.. Prince Charley and Angela Merkel 
Stranger: imagine the kids 
You: there's even one of my beard 
Stranger: it's my turn: do you have a beard? 
You: what the hell is a beard? 
Stranger: it's a large creature who lives in the forest. Sorry for the typo. BEAR 
You: does the bear have a beard? 
Stranger: is the pope catholic 
You: whilst we're on the subject of asking whether things have beards, do you have a beard? 
Stranger: what is that, #34 by now? 
You: oh, you know about the pope? 
You: i didnt know they had pope in switzerland 
Stranger: just copy and paste a few so you can run up your total 
Stranger: haven't you heard of the Swiss Guards? 
You: are condom machines popular in the vatican? 
Stranger: why use condoms? Altar boys can't get pregnant. 
You: i would imagine condoms are, with all the child abuse 
Stranger: heard the pope song on youtube? 
You: hyeearsd the beard song on beardtube? 
Stranger: it better have pirates in it 
Stranger: or I want my money back 
You: it has beards 
You: that good enough? 
You: beards are close to pirates 
Stranger: I have a rare eye condition that renders beards invisible to me 
You: normally within a few inches of their noses 
Stranger: It's called beard-opia 
You: sounds terrible 
You: i have sa rare beard condition that renders eyes invisible 
You: gets dsifficult at times 
Stranger: eyes are overrated 
You: if you have a condition that renders beards invisible, you probably have a beard then and don't know about it. 
You: maybe you should see your doctor and get checked 
Stranger: oh no. I have a very good council of advisors who inform me of such things 
You: that beard might be catching 
Stranger: they would never hide such a thing from me 
You: woah...i might have eyes and not know! 
Stranger: could you cease to be, if you tried? 
You: well yeah 
You: obviously 
You: here goes... 
You: ... 
You: ...... 
You: .............. 
You: no 
You: cant do that 
Stranger: is "to be" and "to exist" always the same? 
You: spelled differently, for a start 
Stranger: could they operate independantly of each other? 
You: maybe they are different genders, and when they have a special cuddle, an existance is born 
You: depp 
You: deep 
Stranger: johnny depp 
You: i always preferred his brother, orlando bloom 
Stranger: like the virginia woolf novel? 
You: but, as long as beards are involved, i'll have the horn 
Stranger: sorry, huh? the horn? 
You: you mkinow 
You: and if you don't, missy, you don't wanna know ;D 
You: but i'll tell you anyway 
You: it means horny 
You: i have the horn = im horny 
You: seteh? 
Stranger: ha. you cad. 
Stranger: gosh 
You: got a buncha trombones lying around 
Stranger: zzzzz 
You: ,didi mention im a trombone instilation engineer? 
Stranger: sounds complicated 
You: i also install beards for a living 
Stranger: Beard deinstallation is more common. With a straight razor 
Stranger: What an exotic profession 
Stranger: all that lather 
You: once i got a request for a double ended loop the loop 8 foot mega beard 
Stranger: like willy wonka's chocolate factory. 
Stranger: sounds unhygenic 
You: would you rather... 
You: fight a giant robot 
You: or 
You: fight a tiny robot 
Stranger: eat asperagus 
Stranger: could I fly? 
Stranger: If I could fly, I would take a tazer and taze the shit out of the big robot, disrupting his systems 
You: asperagus can't fly 
Stranger: asperagi? 
You: personally i would rather slide down a 50 foot razor blade 
Stranger: over his fallen robot corpse they would erect a monument to my bravery and sing songs 
You: haha, i'd be like... the uber emo 
You: i cut myself...in two 
Stranger: uber goth vs giant robot 
You: i do make a habit of cutting 
Stranger: trees? 
You: i cut my beeacr ond 
You: fffffff 
Stranger: cutting cheese? 
You: uck 
You: beard 
You: once 
Stranger: cutting loose on the dance floor? 
You: you knmowa nme all too well simon 
Stranger: cutting corners in your beard installation duties? 
You: but, i barely know you 
You: i don't even know if you have a beard or not 
Stranger: simon says: left hand on right shoulder 
Stranger: simon says: type with your tongue 
You: simon can suck a cock far as i'm concered 
Stranger: (keyboard needed cleaning anyway) 
You: that guy is a moron 
You: always getting people to do things, like some sort of slave driver 
Stranger: wail on brotha' 
You: i have a dream, that some day black kids and simon kids will be able to play together... 
Stranger: they smell funny 
Stranger: I've never been to the Ukraine 
You: black or simon? tread very carefully here 
You: enemies are easily made 
Stranger: and broken 
You: what with me being a second generation nigerian and all 
Stranger: what with me being a third generation simon and all 
You: i do have 15 million us dollar to put in your bank account 
You: just give your pin and sort code 
Stranger: just please kind sir send TELEX number 
You: i knew a black guy once 
You: that is all 
Stranger: was his name Dave? 
You: no 
Stranger: was it Howard? 
You: it was uncle thombas 
Stranger: no really?? 
You: narrowly avoiding some sort of steriotype 
You: he had a beard 
Stranger: Did you see the pope video? 
You: does it have moustaches? 
You: i was pope once 
Stranger: go watch. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fHRDfut2Vx0 
You: not for long mind 
You: i advocated after banning condoms 
You: take that, africa 
Stranger: Hey Jonny Beard-o-mat. I is sleepy and has appt at 9am. Gonna crash and burn 
You: aww 
You: well it has been fun 
You: real name? 
Stranger: go watch the pope. You will shit yourself. All the way up to your beard 
You: come on, you got my real name :) 
Stranger: Bullshit your real name. 
You: Jon Roe 
Stranger: Molly 
You: thats a gay name :P night molly 
Stranger: zzzzzzzzzzzz 
You: nah, it's a nice name, :) 
Stranger: zzzzzz 
You: teh z 
You: fake sleepz 
Stranger: yeah yeah. good luck with the wankers. I's gone 
You: i think this is the longest conversatrion we managed with someone on omegle :P 
You: normally they skip at beards 
You: yeah 
Stranger: ahhhhh shut up with your motherfucking beards. 'night 
Your conversational partner has disconnected.