Bedtime Stories for Nostalgic Reasons

The Boy Who Cried Wolf

I often ponder the question, "Why did the boy cry wolf", when he could have easily posted it on his facebook wall. Perhaps even tweeted it, and if were feeling really old school, on Friendster. Also, what kind of wolf would make a boy cry. Wolves are so gentle and playful, I could not imagine the reason why a cry for help would be a plausible solution to their problems. Maybe the boy didn't cry wolf. Maybe he cried something else and the townspeople needed hearing aids but refused to get them because they were dirty old bums.

Humpty Dumpty

After listening to this story I was taken aghast at the fact that they never tell you that Humpty is in fact an egg. I later realized this after looking him up on google images. I had to flip a few pages because the first results were pornographic materials. I do not understand. Where in the name Humpty Dumpty do you get porn? Plus, they said that all of the king's men couldn't put him back together "again". Which means there was a past transgression that we do not know about. So, if he broke before why didn't they do the same thing they did previously to put him back together?

The Tortoise and the Hare

This story reminds me of my track days in high school. Except when I went slow and steady, I got beat by my father a mile. Which makes me wonder, where were they racing to that going fast isn't an acceptable technique? Possibly the hair was going so fast he passed the finish line, and did not realize it. That also explains how to tortoise won going so slow. On another topic, how did that get published when they spelled "hair" wrong. I mean that's first grade stuff. Maybe the hair was a caveman...

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs

I think the title was supposed to be "White Snow" because Snow White makes no sense. Also, who were these dwarfs and why did they all have different personalities. Plus, their names are what they're like, so how did their parents know what the personalities were? Unless, dwarf babies can talk! Another another note, this made me cry.

Rapunzel

When I heard this story I asked them to repeat it. It sounded so far fetched, and was even more far fetched when I heard it the second time. This brings up the question, was she able to grow out her hair so long because of Rogaine foam? Or, was it just time that caused the monstrosity of a head. And if it was, she must have been super old, and why would anyone want to save an old lady? Another question: Was the hair synthetic? Maybe she constructed a wig. Or maybe she even tied a rope around her head, but it looked like her hair. These are age old questions.

Jack and the Beanstalk

I've always wondered why anyone thought giving somebody magic beans for a cow was a good deal? I mean, cows are abundant all over. He could have had the cows, and the beans! Also, I wonder what would have happened if Jack had cooked the beans into a stew. Or perhaps a soup, or pot brownies. Would the ogre be living in the bottom of his pan? Also, how old was Jack that he had the endurance to climb up and down the stalk, not to mention that he was holding the ogre's valuables. Lastly, ogres are supposed to be uncivilized brutes. Why would he have a harp?

Little Red Riding in Da Hood

I often wonder how Little Red thought the wolf was her grandmother. This makes me think that her grandmother was another wolf that looked just like the bad one. That would be an understandable mistake. Also, where does Red live? Where are her parents? Why is she in the forest? What does "Da Hood" have to do with the story? Does she have a drivers license? Is she employed? If so, why isn't she at work but instead giving gifts to her beast grandmother? Does she own a gun? Is red her favorite color? What race is she? Does her grandmother own a gun? Got any gwapes?

Star Wars

I always wondered why if Jedis are so powerful, why doesn't everyone become a Jedi? Wait, this isn't a bedtime story.

Mommy and Daddy Fighting

I don't know if this is a bedtime story, but I heard it a lot before I went to bed.

Rumpelstiltskin

I ask myself, why would someone want to marry a king who is willing to kill them if they do not give him gold? Also, I wonder why Rumpel is considered the bad guy. They made a deal and she was denying his baby. I've seen it many times on the Maury show. He saved her life and she was being stubborn about it. Last, I wonder how the king was able to get his name from the woods. I ponder who told him... Maybe it was Little Red. Or maybe it wasn't the woods, but a mistranslation, and it was actually the hood.

Cinderella

I wonder why someone would make a slipper out of glass. I mean, that is so unbelievably dangerous. One wrong move and you can get you foot all cut up. Then who's cleaning it up? Probably Cinderella. Also, is she some kind of slave? Where is child services in this? Where is my fairy godmother? Maybe I do have one and I just don't know it. Maybe it will pimp out my ride too. Last and certainly the least, Cinderella's step sisters attempt to put on the shoe, but it doesn't fit. Which makes me think: was it the wrong foot?