Burning cookie accumulator
The burning cookie accumulator is the top item to get if you're playing IllogiHack, because it protects you from the grues that eat you. It costs 500 bananas, and protects you from harm, evil and girls. Unfortunately, the carrots within cannot be stopped, and will fluff your pillow mercilesssly. They are incapable of going to the bathroom or flushing themselves down the toilet, so lock them in your batroom.
It is rumored that accumulating lima beans can stop the threat of the things lurking in the shadows burning cookie accumulator's Terrible Price(TM): to wear another artifact, such as the InstaChoke Necklace by Duncan Corp. Lima beans are rumored to also stop the harmful affects of athlete's foot, but come on, who believes you can cure Athlete's Foot? (Cut to generic scientist)
Well, sir narrarator, you are quite wrong; Athlete's Foot can be cured by eating the chicken of depression while famished and wearing the Quick Boots. Nonetheless, I can't help but think you might be right. Thus, to eliminate all scientific evidence, I'll have to kill you.
End.