Carrot Abuse

Hello, my friends. Tonight, I am here to discuss with you a very sad, very sobering issue, and that is the issue of carrot abuse. Did you know that 67% of carrots that are purchased at grocery stores end up being abused or mistreated by their owners? That is the highest abuse rate of any vegetable. Even broccoli usually finds happier homes.

This article contains a secret message. This is it: MAKE SURE HIS TEETH ARE CLEAN. Yeah, it's not a very good secret message. It's also completely meaningless. But if you discovered it, that makes you the greatest person on the face of the earth, except for an old woman who lives in Bombay, India. So yeah, you're second best. I'll stop now.

I personally find it completely unacceptable that so many carrots are mistreated or otherwise badly handled by their owners. It is the owner of a vegetable's responsibility to give that vegetable the care, love, affection, and cash it needs in order to live comfortably and happily.

Yet, many people don't tell their carrots that they love them.

Still others don't read carrots a SINGLE bedtime story before bed (Veterinarians say that the average carrot needs to hear at least five bed time stories every night in order to maintain emotional stability).

Still other carrots are beaten, whipped, stepped on, thrown out windows, microwaved, crushed, mangled, dissected, disintegrated, mangled, and otherwise harmed bodily by cruel human beings.

Some humans even EAT their carrots. Not many, thank God. But some.

That's why we at the Society for Carrot Abuse Prevention need YOUR donations. Send your checks (preferably unmarked) as soon as possible. But now, let's learn about some of the techniques YOU can use to recognise potential carrot-abuse situations:

NOTICE I've just received a letter from my Illogicopedia superiors. Apparently, they've decided that this article isn't quite funny or surreal enough to meet quality standards here. According to the note: "If you'd made the article about Shoe Abuse or Pencil Sharpener Abuse, it would have been much better. But there are already a ton of articles about vegetables. We don't need another one. Bitch."

Apparently my article has been discontinued, and replaced with a surreal story about a dishwasher.

THAT ARTICLE ABOUT CARROTS IS OVER!!!!

AND NOW, A SURREAL STORY ABOUT A DISHWASHER!!!!!

Billy was a dishwasher, but he wanted to be a frying pan.

He couldn't afford plastic surgery.

So he jumped off a building and exploded.

One of the pieces was shaped like a frying pan.

"TRIUMPH!!" he yelled, so loudly that all the other frying pans in the world exploded.

This made him the world's only frying pan, and therefore a priceless object.

Just then, the author's phone rang so he ended the story.

THE UND!