Corporate Sideburns

The following is a documentation of an actual event that occurred in December 2008 on Wall Street, as reported by witnesses.

Banksquirm was the name of the building. It was a very tall business that hosted a Wall Street firm. The workers were doing what they always did--feverishly buying and selling stocks, playing the market, trying to solidify their gains.

Then 11:32 struck, and all the employees suddenly froze. They paused for a moment, then they all stood up at exactly the same instant and slowly made their way down to the bottom floor of the skyscraper. Now when I say that they "slowly" made their way down, I don't mean that they were somehow purposeless or wandering. They knew exactly what it was they were doing. They were just doing it slowly. At 11:33, they were all on the bottom floor of the building, looking very professional in their suits and ties. They formed a single file line, and slowly walked out the front door of the building. They walked across the street in line, one at a time. This caused a major traffic jam, but none of them cared. They walked down the block to a laundromat and walked inside one at a time. They emptied all the money in their pockets onto the front counter. Then they walked over to the rows of washing machines. Every single one of them climbed into a washing machine. They had set the machines to "heavy rinse." They were washed in the machines for 30 minutes. They climbed out, drenched and covered in soap, and then proceeded to form a single-file line again and march out of the laundromat, back down the street and to the Banksquirm building. They all went back to their desks and continued business as usual.

One of the men lost his sideburns in the washing machine. The sideburns came right off. They are the only evidence that this incident ever took place. The sideburns have been mounted on a golden frame and are now displayed on the wall of the laundromat. They look like deflated mice.