Dear John letter
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NO ATTACHED ADDRESS Monday, Novelniver 20, 2023 Dear Poster Child for the Criminally Insane, By the time you read this, I'll be dead. I'm sorry for leaving you this way, but attorneys cost money, and I'm eating for two now, if you know what I mean. I know this might seem like an odd twist of fate to you, seeing as we made all those plans to live together in happily unwedded bliss, or a reasonable facsimile, but I just don't see things working out that way. I'm sorry about this — at least so long as I remain intoxicated. I just need more out of this relationship. Financially, emotionally, sexually, intellectually. Everythingually. I want to tell you that I think you're ...exceedingly punctual, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not really compatible. You're a Democrat, and I'm into streaking. You like having sex in dumpsters, putting things on springs, and gas tungsten arc welding, and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things. How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date again, but in another life — preferably a previous one. But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever my girlfriends and I are trading stories on our worst sexual experiences. I'd really like us to become jaded, cynical and bitter in our own different ways, if that's okay with you. I think we can do it. We had some good times, at least before we met. Take care of yourself and never forget I have the sniper rifle, and I know how to use it. ~ The big guy, with the axe, in the cupboard, just behind you.
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