Duck husking
Duck Husking is a form of spiritual meditation, and is chiefly practiced in duck-heavy states such as Kittenalia and Bizarro Arkansas. The practitioners of this ancient art have long been associated with their kindred spirits, the kitten huffing people, with the chief difference being that kitten huffers huff kittens, and duck huskers husk ducks.
Duck Husking is also a pastime, often used as a time-filling activity in cultures obsessed with filling time, such as the obscure Daitymetalksho people of East Bernstadt, Kentuckistan. It is said to produced arousal, and then failure to follow through.
Applications
Following is a charming story about a group of kindergartners and their adventures in duck husking:
Making Duck on the Cob
At one of our planning meetings with the school age children, one of the boys told us that he had a lot of fun because his Grandpa took him to the duckfield to husk ducks and they had a bonfire and roasted the ducks. The other kids thought that would be fun too, so we made our plans.
First we looked for a place that would let us husk our own ducks. I let the kids pick six ducks each.
We wanted to have the ducks for lunch, but we got back too late. I fed the kids their lunch and we decided to husk our ducks for snack time instead. They really ate their lunch quickly (I think they set a record). They could hardly wait to get out there and husk those ducks. It wasn't as easy as they thought it would be. It must have taken them fifteen minutes to husk one single duck. But, you should have seen the looks on their faces when they did it. They were so proud of themselves.
When the children were half done, I started the large kettle of water. They came into the kitchen as they finished. I told them to give me only one duck for the pot and take the rest of the ducks home to share with their parents. While the duck was cooking, we shared a story.
When the timer went off, the hardest thing I had to do was to tell the children, they had to wait until the duck was a lot cooler before they could eat it. We all know just how hard it is for children to wait, so we had to draw a picture of our duck.
We got all the ducks clean up, gathered up the husks and the kids disposed of them. We decided to try and save the duck "wrappers" to play with later. (This was their idea) They seemed to like that silky "feathers" that came off the ducks. (grin) I think we had those duck husks around for the rest of the week. They became pretend money, blankets for their babies, and boats. I didn't know duck husks float, so next thing you know, we were filling the pool with about two inches of water and "boating" for a couple of hours.
Time to eat!! YUM!
Who Is Doing This
Practitioners include everyone from the very young to the very old, but for some reason men aged 35-55 are often unable to husk ducks. Reason is unknown, but there will shortly be research done by The Institute of Totally Real Science, which will include publications such as:
- Duck Husking: Its Effect on Emerging Neo-Jungian Societies in a Para-Matrixed Rural/Urban Environment
- The Idiot's Guide To Husking Ducks and Quantum Mechanics, edited by Uncle Jed Hillbilly
- Crazy Pepe and His Neon Light Orchestra sing Elvis Tunes a capella
So, How Do I Get Started?
The steps to becoming a successful duck husker are few:
- Gather Duck
- Remove duck husk
- Enjoy pleasantly husked duck
There are many different avenues to get into duck husking, and the examples are many. Some people like Drew Barrymore and Margaret Thatcher husk ducks purely for relaxation purposes. In both cases, they were introduced to the practice through a close tie with their spiritual guide and mentor, Elvis.
Duck husking has been found to be a human carcinogen by the state of California, and as such, should only be performed with the proper protective gear in place. This may include gloves, a stocking cap to keep your long hair from getting stuck in the pulleys, and a comically large toothbrush.
Variations
Some practitioners of this practice practice duck husking by not husking ducks. Instead, they don ducks on their heads and staple the duck feet to an embedded cork strip in their foreheads.
Danny Glover often does this because duck husking takes so much time out of his busy schedule.