For the last 35 years

For the last 35 years, I have been searching this city from end to end in the hopes that your mother would once again show her face. Just once! Ever since she ran off with that leprechaun from the forest, my life has been a living hell. Your brother saw it first-hand...in fact, he's the one who ingested the four-leaf clovers that frickin' leprechaun left all over our lawn as a tocken of love. He would be helping me search, unlike you, if he hadn't since won the lottery and married the supermodel from the beach. Man, was she gorgeous...

But nevermind that! We're halfway through our fourth decade of looking for her and we've yet to find so much as a clue. So I think it's finally time we part ways. No, not permanently. Just until we find what we've been looking for.

And I don't want to see you come back with a box of Lucky Charms, either. That won't fool me like it did the last time. In fact, it didn't really fool me, but those marshmallows were so good. I can't believe I lost three years of searching because of those damn boxes of frickin' cereal! Shame on you! How could you treat your own flesh and blood so selfishly?

Ok, here's the deal. We have to begin looking beyond our own town. I'm beginning to think that leprechaun forged the documents I researched regarding their location, because he clearly is not here. So it's time we take matters into our own hands.

Hey, where the hell are you going?! This is your MOTHER we're looking for! Well, I think so anyways. I understand that I had several endeavors that year, particularly on New Year's. It's not MY fault the promoter decided to make it an open bar after 11! HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF I PUT YOU IN THAT SITUATION AND FORCED YOU TO RESIST?!

Fine! Just take off and leave. I'm better off without your sorry ass anyways. I can't believe I raised you like this! How could I have failed so horribly? YEAH GO PLAY WITH YOUR DAMN DOLLS I DON'T CARE ANYMORE.

.....is that a marshmallow?