Freddikins

Chapter 1: A Thrilling Pretext

"Don't worry ailing vague relative," said Freddikins, reaffirming the ice pack gently against his mother's scorched temple, "I'll get you them condoms before the illness finishes you off."

Freddikins was for the most part, a rather normal unremarkable drone, similar in his slight uniqueness to the few people that chose to stick around in his life. Aside from his 18th century aardvark ancestry (manifesting itself in a strange love for ant cuisine and all over head lice) there was nothing about him that stood out. Except his tail. When he was happy.

Today Fred was busy, his mother had been given a suspicious bottle of chateau 1647 for her birthday, and now, just days later, was on her death bed putting up a brave last stand against wine flu. His mother had done many things in her long lifetime. She'd bought all three special editions caramel Mars Bars, given 23 pence to a hobo, and had taken an epic 14 hour dump, which broke both the size and visible basin fracturing world records. Though after 4 hours of attempted flushing she came to realise that she'd actually just given birth to her son, Freddikins.

However there was one thing she hadn't done. She'd never made balloon animals out of a condom. Any time she'd got close to achieving it the Johnny in question had been stolen and made into shatter-free test tube. Largely because of this, scientific advances were made much more rapidly than they otherwise would have been, and condoms were rendered redundant soon after. Replaced by the miniature Pope hat, a snug, genital hugging alternative. Without rubbers available in pub toilets her quest for one became tenfold more difficult; any she found overused beyond recognition. To find one was her dying wish, and it all relied on Freddy.

It was time to saddle up the iguanas and put away the laws prohibiting saddling up the iguanas, because it was condom time! It was also the weekend. Which incidentally, is made to be only vaguely recalled.

"Bye mum, have fun maybe not dying while I'm gone." said Freddikins, repeatedly shutting the door on her face.

First stop, the sex museum. The museum of sex was the most likely place to have condoms, but Fred was somewhat unsure because of the ominous multiple trip set-up 'first stop' eluded to.

"TAXI!"

Chapter 2: A Race Against Time

Now comes time for the interactive portion of the story. Taking your penis in your right hand begin gently pumping the skin from the base to the tip. At the same time try cradling your balls. ..Good..