Flying Spaghetti Monster
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The Flying Spaghetti Monster is an amalgamated deity composed of two separate, but distinct parts. It is the central point of worship in the religion commonly known as Flying Spaghetti Monsterism, according to which it is The Creator and Overseer, watching our lives and our world, changing them as it sees fit.
The One True Monster
As noted prior, the Flying Spaghetti Monster is composed of two separate, and distinct parts:
The Major Pastaer
- The Flying: This part of the Flying Spaghetti Monster gives it flight, allowing it to span infinite distances in infinitesimal spans of time. This part is irreducibly complex and cannot be broken into components. Doing so would incur the wrath of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, if you could do it, and you can't.
- The Spaghetti Monster: This is commonly recognized as the "body" of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, and unlike it's other major counterpart, it is composed of several smaller components. These are called the Minor Pastaer.
The Minor Pastaer
- The Meatera: It is a symbol of strength and fortitude. This is the source of the Flying Spaghetti Monster's power.
- The Spaghettien: Also known as the "Noodly Appendage," this allows for the Flying Spaghetti Monster to extend its grasp across the reaches of the universe, affecting everything and anything.
- The Saucon: This is the veil of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Through this, it is unseen and intangible, but allows it to affect anything and everything at will. There is a great deal more documentation on this phenomenon, but I wish to keep this section from being too lengthy.
Religion
The Flying Spaghetti Monster is the sole deity in the monotheistic religion known as Flying Spaghetti Monsterism (FSMism). It has widely been accepted as fact that this, and only this is the true religion, just as the Flying Spaghetti Monster is the true Creator and Overseer.
Like the Bible, much of Flying Spaghetti Monsterist lore was passed from generation to generation, much like The Oddysey, The Iliad, and The Simpsons. This was, of course, until it was codified in 1492. There are numerous records of this event as well. The foremost expert on this matter, Bobby Henderson, is a descendent of the original codifier.
Flying Spaghetti Monsterism is the true religion. Much like the trickster, God, of Christianity, the Flying Spaghetti Monster also deceives the scientific world. This is possible only because the Flying Spaghetti Monster is the only all-powerful being, and only all-powerful beings can change laboratory results unbeknowst to their finders, showing that the Flying Spaghetti Monster must, in fact, exist. Bear in mind that His ways are mysterious, and there are numerous texts that explain why.
There are at least ten million Flying Spaghetti Monsterists in the world today, but because of the scorn they receive, they are often in hiding, afraid to reveal themselves to the world. However, a recent movement by Bobby Henderson, the foremost expert on Flying Spaghetti Monsterism and descendant of The Codifier shows promise in bringing them into the spotlight.
WWFSMD?
Flying Spaghetti Monsterism operates on several core principles, most of which can be summed up by the ever-present abbreviation, WWFSMD?.
This conduct code centers around the Flying Spaghetti Monster and it's parts.
Meatitude
- Represents power and strength. In order to please the Flying Spaghetti Monster, men must spread their meaty goodness about the land.
Sauceredness
- Represents richness, both in color and wit The Flying Spaghetti Monster is pleased by highly oxygenated blood. This not only allows His followers to be of sharp mind, but also of sharp hue.
Noodlyness
- Represents flexibility and energy. In order to please the Flying Spaghetti Monster, members must be quick-witted and enthusiastic about spreading the word about Him, often to the point of contortionism to convert non-believers.
Piracy
- Represents ARRRRRRRRRRRR. The Flying Spaghetti Monster is pleased by displays of piracy. Dressing appropriately shows respect and loyalty.
Dress
While the Flying Spaghetti Monster is somewhat tolerant of most dress, He shows a distinct preference to full pirate regalia. Hooks are definitely a plus. Being touched by His noodly appendage is guaranteed with a parrot.
When passing on the lore of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, it is imperative to abide by this dress code, lest he unleash the terrors of Global Warming upon this Earth. To appease him, a saucrifice of the violator must be performed.
There are a great many scrolls about why He prefers pirate garb, but I fear I may have already said too much.
Creation
Long ago, His Noodlyness decided,in his great wisdom, to make stuff. His first task was easily the most difficult. On the first day, he made a mountain, trees, and a midget. The midget took the greatest time, as He had to create a a small human, having never even created a human before. At the end of that day, it was so, at which point, He spent the next 3 days making everything else, including the first 3-day weekend, resting on the 5th, 6th and 7th day.
He initially created cave men with the intention of making a race that could be looked down upon by humans, but upon offending Him greatly, they were destroyed.
Rituals
Flying Spaghetti Monsterists participate in a great many rituals, most of which originate from the billions and billions of texts detailing and proving the existence of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
All Fridays Are Holidays
- Unlike God, the dirty, Christian liar, the Flying Spaghetti Monster was honest with His subjects and admitted to taking 3 days of rest after getting the universe done in 4 days. As such, His Noodlyness deemed that Friday, Saturday AND Sunday be days of rest, with special emphasis on Friday.
Saucrifice
- The proceedings of this ritual are kept secret, but it is said to be extremely gory. Flying Spaghetti Monsterists believe that upon a proper saucrifice, the Flying Spaghetti Monster will take the sacrificed believer unto Himself as part of the Saucon in a grand and magnificent display of His Meat.
Parrot Festival
- In honor of His affinty to parrots, Flying Spaghetti Monsterists hold a festival each year to honor the pirate's best friend and prophetic vessel. It is widely believed that the Flying Spaghetti Monster prefers follows that accessorize with parrots because they allow Him to communicate with them more easily. During this festival, several hundred million parrots are gathered in one spot and set free. This symbolizes His Noodly Goodness spreading across the land, granting His followers a great boon, and his enemies a head topped with bird guano. For 3 days prior to their release, Flying Spaghetti Monsterists cannot speak unless spoken to first, and must poorly mimic the spoken words.
In Television
Flying Spaghetti Monsterists, and much of the Flying Spaghetti Monster lore have been featured in an episode of "The X-Files", entitled "A Mess of Meatballs."
In this episode, the now famous "I Want To Believe" poster was modified by the Flying Spaghetti Monster, prompting investigation by Mulder.
The decision to film and air this work came as a result of the beliefs of the cast and producers.
- David Duchovny, and Robert Patrick are Flying Spaghetti Monsterists.
- Gillian Anderson is a second order acolyte.
- The Lone Gunmen are not Flying Spaghetti Monsterists, but are currently striving to become fully initiated.
- Chris Carter no longer has fingers because of his transgressions against His Noodlyness
If not for the His noodly appendages, a mass Unsilencing would have occurred. In the true version, the vast network of Flying Spaghetti Monsterists as found to be responsible for everything imaginable (including even the aliens and any plot holes). However, in the broadcast version, Flying Spaghetti Monsterists are shown to not actually exist, in addition to the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
In Art
There are numerous instances in which the Flying Spaghetti Monster has made appearances in fine art. However, many of these appearances have been edited out either by sinister forces, or by His Noodlyness himself. There is a great deal of scripture stating why He has done this, but those scrolls are in secure storage right now. It'd be too much of a bother to fish them out.
His Meaty Visage has been seen in:
- In cave paintings by cave men (who were Smitten by the Flying Spaghetti Monster Himself)
- On the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel (Hack editing job by the Pope)
- In Guernica, by Pablo Picasso (frame too small, His Noodliness had be be sawed off)
- All of Jackson Pollock's works (all original work was attacked by a raging spinning paint toy)
In Politics
Through the years, the number of Flying Spaghetti Monsterists have increased dramatically. The numbers have recently risen to a critical point, and has resulted the eventual breakage of silence by one Bobby Henderson.
In his work, "Open Letter to Kansas School Board, or How I Learned to Love His Noodly Appendage", Henderson gives a detailed account of Flying Spaghetti Monsterism to the extremely liberal, atheistic School Board of Kansas, the largest, and richest state in the United States.
In it, he demands equal time for Flying Spaghetti Monsterist Creationism, as well as other origin theories such as the crackpot Evolution, and the secular Creationist theory. He also provides exhaustive, conclusive proof of the existence of the Flying Spaghetti Monster and its role in our world today, elucidating its influence on science as we know it. Furthermore, he cites the now-famous "Pirate Variance" proof to show that the Flying Spaghetti Monster is greatly displeased and as such, is steadily increasing the average global temperature.
Mr. Henderson is slated to present at a reception in the Kansas Museum of Science in his final attempt to change the minds of Kansians prior to the final vote.