HowTo:Go on IRC

IRC, sometimes called "the thinking man's asylum" or "hell on wheels!", is no place to tread lightly. Barely navigable under the best of conditions, polluted by you and smart people too, IRC can seriously endanger your health and sanity. Luckily, sanity is clearly not a factor here, but health certainly is. With this in mind, let's explore some ways you should go about being on IRC.

GET A CLIENT!

This is important. Really, really, really important. Like, your whole experience on IRC hinges on this. Get a client, go on IRC. Don't get a client, don't go on IRC. Maybe you shouldn't get a client....NO, DO IT! GET A CLIENT! That shouldn't be too hard. Just go up to some random person on the street and ask if they've ever been raped. If not, keep going until you find someone that has. Then tell them you're a lawyer and are looking to help them WIN MONEY NOW, and BOOM! - client.

Oh wait... wrong type of client.

Well, just Google it, then. "IRC client" noob. Which brings me to my next point....

BE A NOOB!

You've got a client now, congratulations. You should be proud. No, go onto IRC and greet your subjects. You, the Messiah of IRC have arrived! They shall bow before you and you shall be their friend, their companion, their cohort, theirSTFU NOOB!

What?

What's a noob? Haha noob! No, really, what's a noob? You are, noob! Jerk!

What's a noob, you ask? A noob is you, King Noobert. Anyone that comes on IRC asking stupid questions is automatically a noob. Anyone that's new, therefore, is automatically a noob. It's just something you're going to have to weather if you want to be on IRC. Try not asking too many questions and you won't lose your privileges. Be careful though, otherwise you might...

GET BANNED!

You did it, didn't you? Something dumb, I'm sure. Probably flooded the channel with questions because it wasn't showing up the first time. What a freaking noob. No wonder you're banned. N-no....stop it! Stop crying, you wuss! Ugh, it's OK, it can be fixed. This is just a part of most people's initiation is all. Just private message the guy who banned you in the first place.

...

You seriously don't know how? Jesus, man! "/msg DoucheCuntWhoBannedMe Why'd you ban me? Can I have another chance?", of course replacing "DoucheCuntWhoBannedMe" with the actual username. Don't make the same mistakes twice. Be courteous. This guy holds actual power. And, despite what you might think, he's probably not gay, so promises of fellatio will do nothing.

There. Now you're back. Uh oh, you did something stupid again....

GET BANNED AGAIN!

This time it's a k-line too. You're an idiot. Just go die. IRC is not the place for you.

Freaking noob.