IllogiBooks:Dear Diary Vampire
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This is a diary that was found some time ago. It was written by a suspected vampire. The man was promptly arrested under five charges of DUI and was found dead in his jail cell later. These are entries from his lovable diary. Like really loveable.
August 1, 2000
Dear ....,
I haven't really come up with a name for you yet, maybe something outrageous like "diary". Or "dairy". But I think I would like to stick with something more simple like "Toster oven winged dragon beer" or "Kyle". By my next entry you should have a name. Anyhow, I was at school today and I looked in the mirror and uh-oh-spaggettios! It looks like I have fangs. Night.
August 5, 2000
Dear Doctor,
How do you like the name? I think it is so cute. So does my girlfriend. And speaking of girlfriend, blood tastes strangely good all of a sudden. I tried eating raw cow because Jerry dared me, and I ended up slurping up all of the blood. Weird.
August 8, 2000
Dear Doctor,
I'm sorry I couldn't get to you the last couple of days. I've been to busy drinking my pet cat's blood. Boy, I wish they had blood flavored drinks. That is my fantasy. Oh yeah, my fangs make me look like a vampire.
Anyhow, my girlfriend died because I bit her neck. People say I look like Count Chocolate or something. Whatever. Still, A killed another cow today. Their blood is the best. Night.
August 17, 2000
Dear Doctor,
I think I am a vampire. The police are after me, My shoes are black and shiny, and I have a cool cape. I have bit like, the everyone in the school's necks. I love blood. And now I like to say "I will suck your blood!" in a transylvanian accent and scare all of the kindergardeners. And then I suck their blood. I am no liar.
I don't think I will go to school tommorow because there is a "being bit in the neck" epidemic. Maybe I should bite my mom's neck, because I can't go a day without it. Night.
August 20, 2000
Dear Doctor,
Well, it turns out I am a vampire. I went to the doctors today, and since I was biting everyone they used beaver tranquilizers on me so they could test. When I was awake, I was on the sidewalk outside with a note that read:
| Well Johnny, it looks like you are a vampire. We recommended that now you kill yourself, but whatever, we're cool with whatever. You have slaughtered a total of 123 people, so maybe you should move out of town? Just a suggestion. Well, now that you are vampire there is no turning back. Just like if you are black. I like ducks. |
So I guess I am a threat to society eh? It's a cool feeling. Wait. Holy shit! The cops broke in. I'll hide you under my bed before they take me away! I'll try to bite their necks to fend them off!