IllogiBooks:The Fart of War
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"You must listen to the words of Sun-Tzu. If you will not listen to the words of Sun-Tzu, one third of your army will die, one third of your army will desert and one third of your army will point at you and laugh."
This is the full text of the ancient strategy book written by the original StarCraft Master himself.
Chapter 1: Laying eggs
Sun Tzu said: The art of war is of vital importance to the State.
It is a matter of life and death, a road either to safety or to ruin. Hence it is a subject of inquiry which can on no account be neglected.
The fart of war, then, is governed by five constant factors, to be taken into account in one's deliberations, when seeking to determine the conditions obtaining in the field.
These are:
- Beans
- Beans
- Beans
- The Musical Fruit
- Wallmart
You must listen to the words of Sun-Tzu. If you will not listen to the words of Sun-Tzu, one third of your army will die, one third of your army will desert and one third of your army will point at you and laugh.
All flatulence is based on digestion.
Hence, when able to fart, we must seem unable; when passing our gas, we must seem professional; when we drink beer, we must make the enemy believe we are sober; when sober, we must make him believe we drink beer. Or, in Soviet Russia, beer drinks YOU!!
This flatulence, leading to victory, must not be divulged beforehand.
Chapter 2: What the heck?
Sun Tzu said: In the operations of war, where there are in the field a thousand Zerglings, as many Terran Wraiths, and a hundred thousand Terran Marines, with enough minerals about them to build three good bases, the expenditure at home and at the front, including entertainment of guests, small items such as glue and paint, and sums spent on chariots and armor, will reach the total of a thousand ounces of silver per day, and for some reason an indeterminate quantity of green gas.
Such is the cost of having a party where you only invite 100,000 men.
When you engage in actual farting, if it is long in coming, then men's weapons will grow dull and their ardor will be damped. If you lay siege to somebody else's house, you will exhaust your strength.
Again, if the campaign is protracted, the resources of the State will not be equal to the Monkey Conspiracy.
Now, when your weapons are dulled, your ardor damped, your strength exhausted and your treasure spent, other monkeys will spring up to take advantage of your extremity. Then no man, however wise, will be able to avert the consequences that must ensue, except Michael Jackson.
Thus, though we have heard of stupid haste in war, cleverness has never been seen associated with long delays.
In flatulence, then, let your great object be volume, not lengthy campaigns.
Chapter 3: Avoiding Farts
Sun Tzu said: In the practical fart of war, the best thing of all is to take the enemy's Cheeto's whole and intact; to shatter and destroy them is not so good. So, too, it is better to recapture a bag of popcorn entire than to destroy it, to capture a pizza, a piece of pizza or an entire fridge than to destroy them.
Hence to fart and conquer at all your LAN parties are belong to us is not supreme excellence; supreme excellence consists in breaking the enemy's resistance without farting.
Thus the highest form of Extreme Programming is to crash the enemy's parties; the next best is to prevent the junction of the enemy's farts; the next in order is to attack the enemy's blarney in the field; and the worst policy of all is to besiege the fridge.
The rule is, not to besiege the fridge if it can possibly be avoided. The preparation of meats, movable bean bag chairs, and various implements of torture, will take up three whole months; and the piling up of mounds over against the bathrooms will take three months more.
It is the rule in war, if our farts are ten to the enemy's one, to surround him; if five to one, to attack him; if twice as numerous, to divide our army into two.
If equally matched, we can offer battle; if slightly inferior in numbers, we can avoid the enemy; if quite unequal in every way, we can fart in the general direction of his generals.
Hence, though an obstinate fart may be made by a small party, in the end it must be captured by the larger farts.
Hence the saying: If you know your Oscar Wilde quotes and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred quotable smackdowns. If you know your own but not your Oscar Wilde quotes, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither your own nor your Oscar Wilde quotes, you will succumb in every battle.
Chapter 4: Tactical Flatulations
The old farts first put themselves beyond the possibility of being downwind, and then waited for an opportunity of DJing Public Enemy.
To secure ourselves against this DJing lies in our own hands, but the opportunity of DJing Public Enemy is provided by the band itself.
Thus the good farter is able to secure himself against uncool DJing, but cannot make certain of DJing Public Enemy.
Hence the saying: Whack MCs may know how to DJ without being able to do it.
Security against whack DJing implies defensive tactics; ability to DJ Public Enemy means being gratuitously offensive.
Breakdancing on the DJ's turntable may indicate insufficient strength; breakdancing, a superabundance of strength.
The DJ who is skilled in DJing hides in the most secret grooves of the vinyl; he who is skilled in rapping flashes forth from the topmost heights of heaven. Thus on the one hand we have ability to break beats; on the other, these references to hip-hop are getting really old.
To see vinyl only when it is within the ken of the common herd is not the acme of excellence.
To see vinyl only when it is within the ken of the common herd is not the acme of excellence.
Neither is it the acme of excellence if you fight and conquer and the whole hip-hop scene says, "ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US!"
If you are able to see really obvious stuff, hear really loud stuff, and write really stupid stuff, you might fit in on the Simple English Wikipedia.
What the old farts called a clever farter is one who not only farts, but excels in farting with ease.
Hence his vinyl records bring him neither reputation for wisdom nor credit for digging in the crates.
He wins his DJ scratch rap battles by making no mistakes. Making no mistakes is what establishes the certainty of victory, for it means conquering Public Enemy or any other band that has the word "Enemy" in their name that is already defeated.
Hence the skillful farter puts himself into a position which makes uncool DJing impossible, and does not miss the moment for farting in the general direction of the enemy.
Thus it is that in war the victorious MC only seeks rap battle after the vinyl is playing, whereas he who is destined to defeat first farts and afterwards looks for rare vinyl records to sample from.
The constipated leader cultivates the moral law, (Hooray for our brilliant politicians!) and strictly adheres to method and discipline; thus it is in his power to control success.
In respect of military method, we have, firstly, Your girlfriend's measurements; secondly, Estimation of your girlfriend's quality; thirdly, Calculation of how hot your girlfriend is in proportion to you and your mom; fourthly, Balancing of your chances or lack thereof to snag a girlfriend who is hotter than your hot mama; fifthly, Vinyl vinyl vinyl - its the only way to make beats, yo. We be da old skrule.
Your girlfriend's measurements owe their existence to Earth; Estimation of your girlfriend's quality to her Measurements; Calculation to Estimation of quality; Balancing of your chances to The Hotness Calculation; and Vinyl to Balancing of your chances of getting signed with a hip-hop record label.
A vinyl DJ scratch noise opposed to a Nerdy computer network router, is as a pounds weight placed in the scale against a single grain.
The onrush of a conquering force is like the bursting of your pants into a chasm a thousand fathoms deep.
ADDITIONAL CHAPTERS COMING SOON