IllogiNews:Man Born With Eight Faces Urinates Own Spine; Dies Aged 23 When Hit By Car
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Saturday 20th June 2009
A man with eight independent faces, known for having urinated his own spine and donating it to charity, died last night after being hit by a car whilst out getting some last-minute groceries, a jury of vaguely uninterested pigeons was told last night.
The man, whose name or names are currently unknown, was born with eight faces after octuplets merged in their mother's womb; some of which died soon after birth. At the time of the car crash, 5 of his faces were semi-independently operational.
He made it through school without being bullied once, due to the fact that viewing him caused profuse vomiting, and if seen on a regular basis, often led to brain death. He himself vomited at regular intervals, his body constantly rejecting itself. His popularity with the ladies was often dashed by sudden vomiting during chat-up lines.
During his GCSE school years, he spent hours in a toilet urinating out his own spine. After doing so, he took it apart and dropped every piece into a spiral charity money box usually used for spiralling coins. He is quoted as saying, among other voices and different topics and being constantly interrupted by the need to projectile vomit:
| There are loads of poor people out there who don't have a spine because they can't afford it, so I decided to give mine away. I didn't need it anyway, it was just holding me back. Geddit? Holding my back. Ahaha. |
Of course, journalists were too busy screaming, running into walls and vomiting to pay attention to this amazing pun.
The man was out buying milk, bread and nine tubs of ice cream for him and his doting mistress, a stuffed corpse he stole from a display at the O2 arena, when he was suddenly hit by a Ford Mondeo driver. She is reported as saying:
| I just can't believe it... a man with eight faces! His family better pay for the mess on my car. |
Verdict: Suicide by misadventure, i.e. being alive in the first place.
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