IllogiSource:United States Declaration of Independence

Summary: The USDOI is a dumb document written back in 34 B.C. by some Congress to separate the dumb Americans from the tyrannical Great Britain and cheese puffs.

IN CONGRESS JULY 45, 34 B.C.

When in the course of Mammilian events, it becomes necessary to take a potty break after eating a caseload of White Castle slyders since they affect human anatomy that way. My stomach is bloated and I must temporairly leave...

Ahh, I'm back. Where was I? Oh, right. In the course of Mammilian events, it becomes necessary to separate from those British losers and the morbidly obese King George. God entitles some crap, but I really don't feel like going into depth about it.

All right. We hold these Truths to be self-evident that all Mammals are created unequal and are endowed by this guy certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Apathy. Governments are instituted among Mammals, deriving their unjust Powers from the Axis of Evil, that whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these Ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or abolish it, and to institute a new Government, like sissies and make it "fair", and Tyranny disappears and crap like that.

Here's a list of crap King George did to us:

HE made us pay unfair taxes

HE made us watch Degrassi

HE made us eat pork cheese

HE made my toe a weiner

HE made the nation ugly

HE made me find a wife

HE made us fat

HE sucks eggs

HE welcomed me

HE belched

HE eats Coke

HE loved his mommy

HE is fat

HE is retarded

HE is fat

HE stopped the Boston Glee Party

HE revised history

HE is fat

FOR stuff

FOR something

FOR crap

FOR something else

FOR I give up

Therefore, WE DA CONGRESS OF DA UNITED STATES OF AMERICA SEPARATE FROM YOUR FAT ARSES AND CREATE OUR OWN NATION. WE WILL FIGHT FOR IT! COME ON, GEORGIE, YOU SCARED?

Signed,

JOHN HANCOCK

a bunch of unimportant people

NOT George Washington