IllogiSource: The Emancipation Proclamation

Dear all of the Negros in our nation,

I, Abraham Linclon have been pressured by my nigga friend Fredrick Douglass to write this document freeing all of the niggers African slaves. Umm... This document doesn't really free all of the slaves, though, but we made it so you think it does since most slaves cannot read which is perfectly fine. Though I think that blacks are below whites, everyone is all like, "Abe! Yo! Mr. Prez! Free de' blacks!" so I must do as they say.

Many don't understand why I am freeing the Negros of this country and neither do I but my ass is on the line here and I want to get re-elected so I need to do something provocative. Damn it, my wife is calling me to dinner... That bitch doesn't understand that this is the 1860's and she's technically property... Just like a dish towel... That's property, too. And has a DISH TOWEL ever told you to come to dinner. Didn't think so. That hoe just don't understand... And to think that she doesn't know that I know she's sleeping with Grant. I GET IT! He has a nicer beard than mine, and he's young, and strong, and... I think I'm gay for General Grant.

Okay, okay... I need to get this document back on track... This frees black slaves in all states belonging to the Union, except for states that already have slaves, which renders this document completely useless. Why am I writing this anyway? Nevermind. So I, Abraham Lincoln, Grand King of these United States of Myself, declare this document true and blah, blah blah...

SIGNED

Abraham Lincoln

Edited by Fredrick Douglass.