James Pond
“Your good at poker, Pond - but lets see how well you do on the fruit machines...”
James Pond is a British spy, megalomaniac and reincarnation of Elvis and Jesus combined. He is the Mr. Bean of the espionage world.
Biography
Early Life
James Pond grew up "somewhere in Europe" and from an early age was taken in by feral cats after his alien parents abandoned him. In the company of his new feline family, Pond learned the value of the hunt and developed a taste for fresh meat that would stay with him for life.
After several years in the wild Pond was found by the British Army on return from the front lines of WWII. He was wild and savage and was kept in a cage for the entire journey, where he meowed constantly.
Being normal
On his arrival to England, Pond was rehabilitated via a strict regime of beatings and offerings of saucered milk. Finally, after was seemed like months of training, Pond was able to emulate the mannerisms and social protocols of normal humans. He became a typically British man and enjoyed drinking tea on his Queen Elizabeth II cutlery, standing whenever he heard the national anthem and eating toast with marmite. In every scene he was a normal man, but everything was not as it seemed. His wild upbringing and childhood memories of chasing and hunting prey continued to influence him, and it wasn't long before he killed again.
Operation Claws
Due to the horrific nature of the murder which Pond committed, MI37 (England's finest top Secret service, ranking just below the Glasgow riot police) were called in. When they saw how the victim died they hatched a plan to make Pond a secret agent. No longer would they have to spend millions of pounds on guns and ammunition (which was a real concern as most of MI37's money was in Icelandic banks) because Pond could lick an enemy to death in thirty seconds with his rasping tongue. Pond was put into service immediately, and just the mere mention of his name sent shivers down the spines of his enemies.
Personal life
Pond mated once with a female cat called "She" who become mother of his five kittens. Little is known about what happened to them, but one popular theory is that they joined a circus and rose to fame as lolcats.
List of Pond films
During the course of his adventures, Pond has appeared in the following films:
- Dr. Yes
- From Africa With Aids
- Gold-Pouch
- Thunderball Of String
- You Only Live Once After Your Last Eight Lives
- On Her Furry Secret Service
- Whiskers Are Forever
- Live and Eat Pie
- The Man with the Tin Opener
- The Spy Who Stroked Me
- MoonEater
- For Your Paws Only
- Octopussy (don't need to think of a silly name for this one)
- A View to a Bird
- The Living Bird Flights
- Licence to Pounce
- GoldenEyes
- Tomorrow I Will Sleep
- My Bowl Is Not Enough
- Purr Another Day
- Catsino Royale
- Quantum Of Solstice