More or less the greatest article you will ever read (coincidentally)

This is, more or less, the greatest article you will ever read (coincidentally). What is said coincidence? I dunno. But it probably is coincidental because, you know, coincidences happen a lot. (Also known as coinkydinks.)

Spontaneous combustion is inevitable. It can be avoided however. If you hold your breath for twenty seconds while drinking water you will- wait. That's the cure for hiccups. So... yep. You'll burst into flames no matter what. ("No matter what" said in the style of those Orbit gum commercials.)

What makes this article so great, you ask? I really do not know but THAT'S WHY IT'S SO GREAT! THERE'S NO APPARENT REASON WHY IT'S GREAT! But on a more serious note, I have no idea where this article is going. Possibly Narnia. Maybe Disney World. Only time will tell as the Smurfs would say. Or is that the Jetsons? I don't know. What I do know is that switching to Geico will save you 15 percent or more on your car insurance or something along the lines of that.

Imagine if there was a rapper who never rhymed? Imagine if Barack Obama never got elected. Oh... it would be great. Never mind those plotics. If you are British and you are scratching your head please said "I". I mean seriously, do it. Your mom, I mean mum would walk in your room and be like, "What the fuck? Who the fuck are you talking to? Don't fucking say bloody 'I' randomly. What are you? Some kind of wanker?" In this example, your mum is a heavy drinker, smoker, extremely British, and is probably on crack.

Thank you for reading this far. No, don't mention it. What? I wasted your time? Well then... Someone's not getting any presents this Christmas... And I wonder who it's gonna be. I'm not naming any names or anything but you're in contention. And by contention I mean you're not getting any. Just like a fat guy who plays World of Warcraft. He ain't getting any.