Nightly Bludgeoning

Walter hired a large, muscular man. Walter paid the large, muscular man $500 in advance, as well as an additional $50 a night.

The large, muscular man would come to Walter's apartment at the end of every day. "Today was especially long and grueling!" said Walter to the muscular man, "A close friend asked me to help with some problems, and I failed to rebuild the planet to better suit us all. I failed. I'm a failure. I feel wretched."

And the muscular man said "Don't you worry my friend, I will give you the bludgeoning you deserve."

The muscular man would pull a wooden canvas from a large sack. He'd tie Walter firmly to a pole. The ropes would squeeze Walter, leaving red marks. And the large, muscular man would repeatedly slam the wooden canvas against Walter's face and body. "HOW DARE YOU FAIL TO BE ABSOLUTELY PERFECT?! HOW DARE YOU DO WHAT EVERYONE ELSE DOES EVERY SINGLE DAY?! HOW DARE YOU? YOU ARE AN ABSOLUTE FAILURE!" screams the Muscular Man, as the wooden canvas pummels Walter's powerless, skinny frame.

The Muscular Man finishes after a half hour of bludgeoning tonight. "That'll be 40 bucks."

"And tomorrow I'll punish you for all the awkward pauses in your conversations. Awkward pauses are unforgivable. Unforgivable. You should be able to always come up with the right thing to say. Always. Any awkward moment is entirely your fault."

"I know it's my fault. Thank you, my Muscular Man. I look forward to tomorrow's bludgeoning."

The Muscular Man would then leave the apartment. He always left that night's canvas behind. It would be covered in blood, sometimes phlegm and spit as well. Walter's punishment.

Walter would hang a new canvas up in his apartment after each bludgeoning, until eventually the apartment was papered with splattered, blood-soaked canvases. "That's better!" said Walter.

Blood-soaked canvases. Portraits of Walter's mastery of the beautiful art of failure.

Walter was a human being.