Richard's Recreational Roadkill Baptism

Richard was a truck driver for a prominent American diaper company. But more importantly, he was the leader of a world religion of his own making.

He'd cruise down the interstate at very high speeds, and whenever he saw an animal in the road, he'd run over it. That's right, he'd RUN OVER IT. Then, he'd pick up its thoroughly flattened carcass and toss it in to the back of the truck. By the end of each day, he'd baptise the animals he had run over in his own religion, which he called Richardology. "I hereby welcome you to the church of Richardology!" he'd say, "I bless you, and baptize you, with the most Blessed and Holy Diapers of Richard the Great Delivery Man!!!!" Then he'd rub the diapers on the roadkilled animals. Then he'd go to sleep.

He'd continue down the highway, swerving left, then right, listening to music and singing along, trying to match the rythm of the crunching animals with the rythm of the song. Whatever the hell that means.

He'd finally arrive back home after making the delivery of diapers.

He'd deposit the roadkilled animals in his attic, then he would make sermons to them. "I am Richard, the Lord of Richardology!" he'd say, and they'd sit there, oozing. "My loving children," he'd say to them, "I saved you on the day I ran you over. I got you to enter my sacred church of diapers."

And whenever he bumped in to someone in the street or the supermarker and they said "Watch it, loser!" he'd say, "I'm not a loser, I'm a GOD!!!! I sure do pity NORMAL people like you, people who aren't the saviors of their own religions, like ME!!!!" and he'd smile, and step on an insect.