Rudy Giuliani

Rudy Giuliani was a famous wizard and stuntman of the early twenty-first century.

Early Life

Raised in Brooklyn, Rudy Giuliani attended the prestigious Hogwarts Academy pursuing a major in pre-hocus-pocus. He studied abroad, receiving a B.A. in voodoo economics from the Republican Party, and took employment as public persecutor for President Jean-Claude Duvalier. In a very brief period of time he was able to end all political repression in Haiti through semantic methods, at which point he had nothing left to do so he returned to New York.

Work

A skilled thaumaturgist, Giuliani was able to maintain standing as a Democrat, Republican, and Independent simultaneously and without contradiction. As proof of his mastery of the Dark Arts, Giuliani was actually able to convict eight Mafia bosses in a legal proceeding.

Fighting a bitter legal dispute with the Gay Pride Parade, Rudy invalidated regulations that prohibited heterosexuals from participating, and went on to win the Best Feminine Dancer award for his new step, the "Perp Walk". The Perp Walk was an instant smashing success, becoming popular throughout America and throughout the world, and remains a common dance move around police departments in New York even to the present day.

Screwing Around

In 1997, Giuliani witched up a victory as mayor of New York, and over the next few years crime dropped substantially. Detractors claim that crime "just dropped" all over the country for some boring demographic reason, but supporters say that Giuliani's police force was able to dig up the dirt on people; for example they dug up the dirt on Abner Louima by taking a plunger to his butt and using it to pull out whatever it was they'd wanted to know. Giuliani also took a bite out of crime by banishing elephant dung from the Brooklyn Art Museum. Contemporary criminologists believe that suggestible children who see elephant dung on a field trip may begin to play with dog feces closer to home; then they learn to throw it at one another; eventually a large ball of poo smashes through a neighbor's window and lands unnoticed in the punch bowl and once you have a broken window in a neighborhood you have to tear it all down and put up a bunch of crummy condos that you can only rent if you're rich and stupid, and of course rich stupid people are chum in the water for every mugger in five states so you can see how taking out one little gang of art museum criminals can improve the crime rate for the whole city.

Most recently Rudy Giuliani became famous for a difficult stunt in which he tried to reach Washington DC by riding atop a hijacked airplane into the World Trade Center. In theory the momentum of the hijacking would hurl him forward through the air and land him in the White House, but he became entangled in some factual issues and fell nearby in the wreckage of WTC 7, where his emergency terrorist response center transformed into a massive firebomb and destroyed the building.