Salad soothing

Salad soothing is a technique used to calm salads down. It was invented by lord Sandhack when he had a stomach upset caused by a raunchy parmesan and rocket. It is employed in restaurants, food sheds and gyms. Any self-respecting salad connoisseur knows the method.

The method

• Step 1: If said salad has lettuce in it, simply roll it around an electric smoker while playing cool jazz. It will deregulate itself by noon. If that's not cokey enough for you, give it a firm whack with the Turner Prize.

• Step 2: A salad needs love, we all know this, but what kind of love? These days much is said of late. Hold salad firmly in the eye and gently whistle the Brandenburg concertos by JS bloody Bach! Turn to the boil and stir.

• Step 3: Be stern with the salad otherwise it will turn a pale whale.

This was the original method invented by Sandhank at Dellycattle in Yorkshire.

Warning

Salad tastes like twatt.