Selena Gomez
too bizarre for Uncyclopedia, but Illogicopedia loves random stuff. |
File:Uncyclopedia.png → File:Wiki.png |
“With Selena Gomez, you should go ahead and take the risk of getting hurt... because Selena Gomez is an amazing feeling in my vagina.”
“Ah, yes.. she's that chick from the Miley Cyrus feud.. ”
“Who?.... ”
Selena Gomez (born July 22, 1992) is an American wizard who often uses the alias Alex Russo. She is a sizzling 98.6 degrees Fahrenheit unless sick. Like most wizards, illness can increase or decrease her temperature by 75 - 100%.
Gomez is an Antichrist and began wearing a purity ring with "true love waits" engraved when she was 12 years old. Gomez, has described her self as being a "huge monkey lover”, so that means she is funny. As an active member of Peta, she can often be found protesting against Kentucky Fried Chicken for their mistreatment of chickens, even though we all know she loves a family bucket. It has been rumored that Selena may replace Miley Cyrus on Hannah Montana. When asked about adding Selena to his family and disowning Miley, Billy Ray Cyrus was quoted as saying "Families are like fudge - mostly sweet with a few nuts".
The Girl
NOTE from Justin Bieber: Everything in this section is a complete and utter LIE!!
Selena Gomez is the personification of the Mona Lisa in cute girl form. She has tender and beautiful emotions. She has the face of an angel. The body of a porcelain doll. The soul of a new born baby (after baptism of course). The voice of a morning sparrow. The innocence of a nun. She has the ability to make grown men stumble in their words with just one passing glance. She is the girl your mom wanted you to marry AND warned you about. She is your first love, that girl who broke your heart in 5th grade, that girl you only went out with for 3 hours, your high school sweetheart, your soul mate, your grandmother, your 3rd wife, and everything in between. She's the girl who's going to be the one calling you on the phone in a couple moments. She can do no wrong, because her every piece of existence is a gift from God, Allah, Shiva, Buddha, Bob Saget, and that piece of wood you used to hang out with and treated as your friend (you weirdo). She is most simply, everything a boy can ever dream of but can never have. You can try to go for her, you can try all you want, but in the end she'll call you her "little brother" and crush your soulless heart into oblivion. Guess she wasn't your "One Less Lonely Girl" huh Justin Bieber! Ha-hah! SUCKER!
How do I meet Selena Gomez?
There is no need to meet Selena Gomez, because she already knows who you are. Why this is possible is irrelevant and beyond your degree of understanding anyway. Don't believe me? Okay, then I will outline a series of steps for you to get a chance to meet her, BUT I'M WARNING YOU!!! Please follow this guide word for word and do not skip ahead until you've finished the current step.
1. Buy some tickets for her next concert, if you do not know how to do this then you should just give up because Selena Gomez is not interested in meeting anyone who doesn't know how to get tickets for her concerts in the first place.
2. You should get the best seats in the house, if you cannot afford then you should just give up because Selena Gomez is not interested in meeting anyone who is a worthless poor bum.
3. Buy a plane ticket to go to the concert. One-way only, you won't be coming back. If the concert you are going to will not require you to take a plane then you should just give up because Selena Gomez is not interested in meeting people who are not willing to travel over 9000 miles to meet her.
4. Go to the mall and buy the most expensive set of clothes money can buy. If you are not sure what to buy go up to the salesperson and ask him to show you the most expensive clothes in the store. If the guy looks at you like you're an idiot then punch him in the face. If you do not punch him in the face then you should just give up because Selena Gomez is not interested in meeting people who are not willing to fight for her.
5. If by chance you get in trouble with the law as a result of punching said salesperson in the face. Then do all in your power to resist arrest and flee the state immediately. If you get caught by police in this step you should just give up because Selena Gomez is not interested in meeting people who are not willing to flee police for her.
6. So now you're in another state and will most likely be apprehended if you dare to board the plane to arrive at her concert. If you feel any sort of remorse by this point you should just give up because Selena Gomez is not interested in meeting people who are doubtful losers who regret their actions.
7. Walk all the way to the concert. Luckily you should have given yourself plenty of time to do this until the date of the concert. If you do not manage to get to the concert on time then you should just give up because Selena Gomez is not interested in meeting people who are not fit enough to run across the country to attend one of her concerts.
8. After arriving at the concert, there is a chance you will be stopped at the gate because you are highly unkempt and shabby as a result of not bathing in weeks. If this should happen then just fight your way in. If you do not manage to do this then you should just give up because...well, you know.
9. If at this point you have not been featured on the news for your moronic actions. Then you should just give up because Selena Gomez is not interested in meeting people have not been featured on TV.
10. If you followed this guide word for word. Then you should just give up because Selena Gomez is not interested in meeting people who read guides that may manage to get them on an episode of America's Most Wanted.
Feuds
Selena Gomez is known to have been in a feud with the following people :
- Miley Cyrus
Over whether Miley was a hillbilly or not. This issue has been widely disputed and was resolved when a flying chipmunk cut the s*** out of both of them with a chainsaw.
- Nick Jonas
Over a bag of Corn chips. Was solved when Selena slapped Nick over the head and- ooh! Look! Squirrel!
- Demi Lovato
SQUIRREL!!! SQUIRREL!!! COME HERE SQUIRRELLY WHIRLY!!!!
- The Entire Cast Of HSM
- NASA
- Your Mom
- George Bush
- George Bush's Mom
- The United States Of America
Swine Flu Incident
In early 2009, Miley Cyrus and Selena were feuding over who could start the deadliest pandemic, so Selena gave Nick Jonas the Swine Flu when she raped him. Trained science doctors from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention had soon discovered a cure for Swine Flu: to touch a person you hate that doesn't have Swine Flu, sort of like tag. Since Miley could spread the disease, Nick tagged Hillary Clinton. As of today, Hillary is still infected while Nick is living the good life.
17 Completely weird, happy, and fun true facts about Selena Gomez
- Selena Gomez can kill two stones with one bird.
- Selena Gomez is played by Michael Jackson.
- Selena Gomez can drink an entire gallon of milk in forty-six seconds.
- Selena Gomez can touch MC Hammer.
- Selena Gomez carries Chuck Norris in her purse.
- Selena Gomez is Zemog Aneles backwards.
- Selena Gomez once started a fire using only a pair of stiletto heels.
- The movie Castaway was based on Selena Gomez's spring break trip to Cancun.
- Selena Gomez is an alien from the far island of Guam where she was raised in The Moon Of Philippines.
- Selena Gomez is involved Yugoslavian affairs.
- Selena Gomez uses Linux.
- Selena Gomez currently broke up with her former best friend Demi Lovato.
- Selena Gomez feeds on hippie hair and Vampire legs.
- Selena Gomez is the daughter of Lord Voldemort.
- Selena Gomez has flat feet.
- Selena Gomez owns America's first communist party(known as Wikipedia).
- Selena Gomez crashed the Royal Wedding.