Shiftsmanship

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Shiftsmanship, or the use of the shift key on every letter of the alphabet while typing, has been enjoyed by many people throughout the years. It has brought people together from all corners of the globe, of all social standings and cultures. After the brief rise of the 'Patrons of the Shift' in the early 1970s, it has inspired fascination and frustration into the hearts of all who discover it.

Essay on Shiftmanship

Below is an essay from a 'Grand Shiftsman' (Who would not give his name for fear of death) who sets out to explain his people and dispel the conspiracy theories:

SHIFTSMANSHIP IS THE FINE ART OF TYPING AS A TRUE HUMAN. A HUMAN THAT IS TRUELY AT PEACE WITH THEMSELVES. A HUMAN WITH MIGHTY, MIGHTY PINKIE FINGERS.

THE BRETHREN OF THE SHIFT KEY (BOTSK) WERE A GROUP OF THREE MEN WHO, IN POST WORLD WAR II LITHUANIA, GAINED ACCESS TO A TYPEWRITER AND REALISED THAT THEY HAD A WAY OF TRAINING THEIR PINKIE FINGERS.

THEY TRAINED IN SECRET, IN ONE OF THE MEMBERS BARNS TWICE A WEEK FOR SIXTEEN YEARS. THE ONLY OTHER PERSON TO SEE THIS WAS A YOUNG MAN CALLED STEVEN, WHO WOULD OFTEN SNEAK IN TO FIND OUT WHAT THE GLORIOUS CLICKING NOISE WAS.

AFTER THE SIXTEEN YEARS OF TRAINING THE THREE MEN TRAVELLED TO MEET THEIR PRESIDENT TO DISPLAY THEIR MIGHTY PINKIES. THEY DESTROYED TABLES, HELMETS AND BULLET PROOF ARMOUR WITH THEM BUT THIS DID NOT IMPRESS THE PRESIDENT BECAUSE THE PRESIDENT WAS VERY WEAK. INSTEAD, HE FELT THREATENED BY THE THREE MEN AND HAD THEM IMPRISONED. NO ONE HAS HEARD OF THEM SINCE.

UPON HEARING THIS NEWS, STEVEN KNEW WHAT HIS CALLING IN LIFE WAS. HE TRAVELLED TO HIS LOCAL TOWN SQUARE WITH THE TYPEWRITER AND TOTALLY WAILED ON IT FOR FIFTEEN DAYS, ONLY LIFTING HIS PINKIES FOR PUNCTUATION AND NUMBERS. PEOPLE BECAME ENERGISED BY THE YOUNG MAN'S FERVOR AND JOINED IN, TYPING ON WHATEVER THEY COULD FIND - JUICE BOTTLES, GARBAGE CANS AND THE HOMELESS.

THE WORD OF THE SHIFTSMAN SOON SPREAD THROUGHOUT EUROPE AND ONWARD THROUGH THE WORLD. IT IS OFTEN CLAIMED THAT THE FULL POTENTIAL OF THE SHIFTSMAN HAS NOT BEEN REALISED, HOWEVER THERE ARE DETRACTORS WHO CLAIM THAT THEIR PATH TO ACTUALISATION IS SO FRAUGHT WITH OBSTACLES THAT THIS WILL NEVER HAPPEN.

MANY PEOPLE CONFUSE PRACTITIONERS OF THE SHIFT WITH PEOPLE THAT USE CAPS LOCK. THIS HAS BEEN A GREAT PAIN FOR THE SHIFTS PEOPLE OVER THE LAST FEW DECADES AND IS A DEEPLY HURTFUL THING TO SAY. THERE ARE MANY PROFOUND DIFFERENCES:

- REAL MEN USE THE SHIFT KEY

THE ADVENT OF THE INTERNET AND THE PROLIFERATION OF CAPS LOCK USERS IN MESSAGEBOARDS STRUCK A GREAT BLOW TO THE CREDIBILITY OF THE SHIFTSPEOPLE, WHO HAVE BEEN LABELLED AS IDIOTS AND IN SOME PLACES ACTIVELY PERSECUTED. THE TRULY SOUL DESTROYING ASPECT OF THIS FOR THE SHIFTSPEOPLE IS THAT THEIR PINKIES ARE TOO MIGHTY AND PROUD TO ACTIVELY DEFEND THEMSELVES ON SOMETHING AS NON-MIGHTY AS THE INTERNET. THIS LEADS TO FURTHER CONFUSION ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT THE CAPS LOCK KEY WAS INVOLVED.

OVER THE LAST DECADE, SHIFTSMAN NUMBERS HAVE STEADILY DECREASED, MAINLY DUE TO THIS PERSECUTION. APPARENTLY PEOPLE DON'T LIKE CAPITAL LETTERS. PEOPLE HAVE ACCUSED US OF 'GOING UNDERGROUND', BUT THE HONEST TRUTH IS THAT WE ARE A DYING BREED.

WE DID NOT WRITE THE DA VINCI CODE. WE ARE NOT RELATED TO JACK THE RIPPER. YES, SOME OF OUR COSTUMES LOOK A BIT LIKE SANTA CLAUS. WE FOLLOW CENTURIES OLD TRADITIONS AND PERFORM INITIATION CEREMONIES.

WE DO NOT RUN THE COUNTRY. WE SIMPLY TAKE GOOD PEOPLE AND MAKE THEM BETTER.

Opposition to the Practitioners of the Shift

Conspiracy Theorists regularly link the Practitioners of the Shift to the New World Order and Illuminati. It has been stated that the Practitioners of the Shift run the world bank, the stock exchange and various governments including the Vatican.

Even in modern democracies, Shiftsmanship continues to be accused of being an organisation where people can engage in cronyism, using their connections for political sway and shady business dealings. This is actively discouraged in Shiftsmanship.

Obligations of the Practitioners of the Shift

Obligations are the parts of the secret rituals in which a potential member takes an oath to protect the "secrets of Shiftsmanship", which include various gestures, symbols, pieces of gaudy jewellry and tripcodes related to the member's standing in each degree.

The particulars of the obligations change from region to region; some versions are published while others are shrouded in mystery. All use only capital letters.