Swiss Cheese
Swiss cheese is very, very delicious cheese. It is distinguishable from other forms of cheese, like Gouda cheese, by the fact that it is not Gouda cheese, but rather, Swiss cheese.
It is distinguishable from American cheese by the fact that it is cheese.
When photographers tell you to "say cheese," they are referring to Swiss cheese. If you say "American cheese," you are really saying "Cheese food product," and that will not produce the kind of pearly white smile that photographers will take home and Photoshop onto the bodies of various nude women.
Taste
Swiss cheese tastes like a combination of cheese and the Swiss. Swiss women taste like musk and amniotic fluid. Amniotic fluid tastes like apple cider. Apple cider contains alcohol. Drinking alcohol while pregnant and driving a car is not recommended.
Recipe
You will need the following ingredients and tools to make Swiss cheese:
- A cow
- Grass
- A bucket
- A claw hammer
- Patience
- A gat
- A tiny, tiny ice cream scoop
Directions:
- Feed grass to the cow. Wait one night. In the morning, the cow should have swollen teats. That is hot.
- Yank on the cow's teats. A white, creamy liquid will emerge. Collect that liquid in the bucket.
- Beat the cow to death with the claw hammer. You won't be needing her anymore.
- Patiently wait until the liquid in the bucket turns into cheese.
- Wave your gat around. It's important that you watch the cheese the entire time, to make sure a bunch of Rolling 60s crips don't jump out of a low rider and steal your cheese. Just stand there waving that gat, and watch the liquid turn into cheese over the course of several weeks.
- Using the tiny, tiny ice cream scoop, dig little holes out of the cheese to give it that traditional Swiss cheese look.
Warning
Swiss cheese is not intended as a flotation device. Eating excessive Swiss cheese can cause obesity, macular degeneration, and cancer. Swiss cheese is not safe for children under two. Do not use Swiss cheese as a commercial dessicant. Fashioning a bikini out of Swiss cheese will increase the likelihood of being bitten on your breasts by ants. Fashioning pants out of Swiss cheese may get you arrested, as Swiss cheese is full of holes. Do not beat your sister to death with a block of Swiss cheese.
Poem
- I wandered lonely as a cloud
- That floats on high o'er vales and hills
- Swiss cheese is fucking tasty.
- Whose woods these are I think I know;
- His house is in the village, though.
- I'll hold his ass up with my gat
- And eat all his Swiss cheese.
- Japanese girls are hot.
Ham
Swiss cheese is the perfect complement to ham. By combining the two ingredients, you can make a delectable ham sandwich. Simply wrap a pig in Swiss cheese, wrap the Swiss cheese in bread, and wait for the pig to suffocate to death. Serves eight.