Tales that will scare you
Ah, fairy tales. Doesn't everyone hate them? That's why I decided to eat them with whipped cream and serve it to my lawyer. I decided to cook up a new batch of cookies and name them Bob, and that man told cookies, I mean stories, about tales.
TALES THAT WILL SCARE YOU!!!
The Three Little Things That Devour Humans
One day, there was um... three... whatchamacallits... pigs. No wait, they were things that devoured humans. The first one, who was devious built a house of twigs, to trick humans into investigating, because as everyone knows, curiosity killed the cat...with an AK47. But they were not cats, they were politicians. The first politician came, and said.
- "OOH? What's this? Some crappily-built house of twigs. I'll report this at the next conference." And off he went.
The first thing devoured himself in agony. Yes, agony, I say.
There was his brother, Tony Stink, who decided he could eat people, so he built a houtse out of reinforced steel. And then came the politicians.
- "OOH? What's this? Another one of those whatchamacallit-thingys. It's ugly...and horrendous! I'll report this at the next conference." And off he went, with an umbrella into the sky, just like Pary Moppins, or was that Mary Poopins. Oh well.
He devoured himself in agony.
Last brother, who was in a toilet cubicle at the time constipated got out and built a hut over the cubicle.
Politicians arrived yet again.
- "OOH? What's... ohh I don't have time for this." And off he went.
So he devoured himself in agony yet again.
AND SO NO-ONE GOT KILLED. EXCEPT THINGS THAT DEVOUR HUMANS.
Little Red Retarding Hood
One day, a retarded girl tra-la-la'd down the woods, singing songs like That's Not My Name to herself, obviously because she didn't know her own name. But she was stupid anyway, so who's to blame? You. Yes, You. Anyway, she saw a wolf on drugs, smoking, a bad hat he was.
- "HELLO GIRL. WHERE ARE YOU GOING? (he he he)"
- "AH OOH (dribble dribble dribble)"
- "TELL ME!!!!"
- "AH OOH (dribble dribble dribble)
- (KILLS HER IN A FIT OF RAGE)
Cinder-ella
Yes, one day, a stupid girl who burnt cinder, or logs, or charcoal or whatever they burnt at that time, possibly humans at the steak, but then again she burned cinder, so stop being a nuisance. Her name was ella. They called her Ella-Cinder, but that was stupid, so they called her whatever they called her, Cinder-ella. One day, her two ugly sisters went to the ball shop, yes the ball shop with some cashier who was actually James Bond. He drives a hummer, so they thought he was cool and such. Or maybe that's because he eats mints.
They went there and blah. Ella was sad, so her fairy godmother-in-law poofed out of nowhere.
- "YOU DISTURBED ME IN MY SLEEP. SUFFER!!!"
She cast a death spell on Ella and ella died.
THE END.
The Gingerdead Man
One day, some old coupe baked some old gingerbread man. He was old.
- "HAHA (wheeze wheeze) YOU CAN'T (cough!) CATCH ME! (Cough!!!) I AM THE GINGERBREAD! (wheezeeee!) MAN!!! (cough wheeze!)"
Then he died of cancer. THE END!!!!!
Humpty Dumpty The Emo
Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall.
He was emo.
So he jumped of the wall and died saying
- "It hurts so gooooooood!!!"
Three Silly Goats Gruff
One day, there were three goats, Papa Goat, Mama Goat and Goat. There was a bridge, and over the bridge on the other side was a Wii!!! Don't you just want a Wii? So they decided to take turns crossing it. First Goat crossed, when all of a sudden, from under the bridge came a hobo-guy. HIs name was Hobo Guy. How did they know?
He had a nametag.
So anyway, Hobo Guy stopped Goat and said.
"You Can't Pass Until I Eat You (evil laughter)"
Then Goat just pushed him and he fell to his demise off the bridge into a crocodile-infested lake. Goat got the Wii and started playing Wii Sports.
Then Mama Goat wanted to cross when suddenly...Hobo Guy 2 jumped out from the blue, and said
"By the hair of my chinny chin chin, i will...wait i don't have hair on my chin. DANG IT! I just wanted to say that anyway."
Then he tried to et Mama Goat but she shot him and he died, then she played Wii Sports with Goat. Papa Goat was gonna cross, when suddenly...Hobo Guy Tree jumped out from the erm...pee? Oh, whatever.
He said
"This time i won't let anyone cross, not even you".
So Papa Goat said
"Eat me when i'm older, that way i'll be more juicier and tastier and stuff like that."
Hobo Guy said
"You're already old enough"
Then he ate Papa Goat and blood spilled everywhere, and at the same time, the Wii exploded and everyone in the world died.
HOORAY!
The Blizzard Of Oz
One day, on a stormy night somewhere in Britain, some chaps found a whooshing portal thingy. They entered and found themselves in an airplane, going to Oz. Or was that Australia? Blah, kangaroonies.
Anyway, there she met a witch who gave her some shoeymajiggs, which can make you fly. Then she was eaten by birds. Oh yes, the main character's name is Frank. But she's a girl, oh bummers. Just go to Thailand and get a sex change or something.
She or he in that case, met a scarycrow, who was scaring crows, when they bit his eye out and pulled at his guts, his lungs popped out and he bled tons of gallons. She tried to save him, but it was too late, he died.
Then she met Iron Man who was all rusty, and needed to oil his limbs. She gave him an oilcan but he was still holding a match and whoops!
He exploded in flames...and died.
Then she met a lion, who was much of a coward, so cowardly he became emo and killed himself. What a pity.
She walked along the yellow stick road which was so wobbly, she almost died. When she reached the Wizard's house of horror, she walked in. Inside was a waiting room for Dr. Wizardius, he was a psychiatrist obviously. Then when she entered the room, at the same time, there was a blizzard and everyone died....THE END!
Sheesh, am i done yet?
Humpty Dumpty Dead..ty?
Once upon a time, there was an egg. A weird egg, too, because it was like the size of a human. This egg was named "Humpty Dumpty" and he was big pervert, hence the Humpty. Howevr, one day he decided to sit on a wall. How stupid.
He sat on this wall, threw knives down at people and laughed loudly as it pierced their skulls and killed them. However, One time when he was laughing he lost his balance and fell off the wall. He fell and screamed, and then he broke on the ground and his yellow guts flew everywhere, spraying all of dogs and kids. The kids were traumatized for life and many were instituionalized. Most commited a horrible suicide.
THE END.
Ripunzel
Some prince guy met some woman lady thing. Then he said.
"Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair"
So she did. And as he was climbing up, her hair tore off, and brainseses spilled everywhere. It was a very nice sight, and i hope we can do it again.
The end. Yeesh, its the ennnd!!! Now i can stop reading stories....
for the time being.