The Articles I Lost
Greetings.
So yesterday morning, Illogicopedia crashed abruptly. The crash caused contributions made from September 7 to September 10 to vanish in to oblivion. I wrote three...or four? Articles. During that time. Those articles are now no longer in Existance.
These are tributes to the lost articles. They include attempts to rewrite parts of each article. They also include BEHIND THE SCENES DOCUMENTARY SQUELCHING!!!! EVERY SINGLE OOZING DETAIL!!!!
I drew an S and a B on my own kneecap then I punched it.
So anyway, on with the lost articles and the commentary and the EXPLOSIONS!
PREPARE TO ENTER THE MANGROVE!!! BRING BINOCULARS!!! AND A DIAPER!!!!
Num-A-Num on the Window
This article was inspired by a Coldplay song where Chris Martin goes "num-a-num" in one part. It made me think of a giant drooling beast.
This was an article about a thiry foot beast coming to my window at night, licking the glass, and whispering "Num-a-Num." I thought it was rather terrifying. Like a nightmare but with more saliva.
The thirty-foot beast was pale. Thin legs. A single bloody eye.
The article included one part where I saw the beast in a supermarket, he blinked, and the blood from his eye sprayed on the vegetables. It was meant to symbolize the inner anguish of human beings living in organized, money-driven societies. Actually I just kinda made it up because it sounded cool.
At the end of the article I opened the window and the monster said "CHOP ME UP WITH AN ELECTRIC FAN!!! CHOP CHOP CHOP!!! THEN PUT MY CHUNKS IN YOUR FRIDGE!!! SLIMY CHUNKS!!!!"
Did I mention that the monster had a three-foot tongue?
Did I mention that the monster licked my window in the dark, coating it with his sticky saliva?
Did I mention that the monster's brain visibly throbbed in his flaccid head?
Did I mention that I had a banana?
Did I mention that I held her hands and stepped on my cartoon character's nose? STOMP!!!!
Well anyway, the article ended randomly. I think I've recaptured the spirit well enough, although the original had more descriptions of the monster. The original also mentioned kids climbing the monster in the daytime, because the monster pretended to be a tree. I pooped a little. I did NOT mention that.
Obese Infant Scientist?
I had this image in my head of a grotesquely obese baby...a baby the size of maybe a car. Rolls and rolls of fat. The baby had some absurd name. The baby was a scientist. It was a lame idea. In this case I don't regret the article being lost.
There was one rather decent part. I think I can replicate it decently. A woman much taller than me has a heart.
This is the part.
Two people crash in to each other repeatedly because they are desperately lonely. Two incompatable puzzle peices trying to forcefully fit together. Heads collide. Teeth flying everywhere. You may run headlong in to the bride at a very high speed, fracture. Peices dropping off. Until flesh fuse.
That wasn't really how the original was. Well, the image of people repeatedly running in to each other is the same. But it's written differently.
What if this happened in life? What if parts of your life simply got deleted? That would be confusing.
BUT IS THERE????????????????
So anyway, the baby scientist article wasn't good at all other than the randomly inserted bashing-lovers image. Oh, and the last line went like this:
Take your emotions and the baby will dissect them and suck on their peices.
Bob Dylan on the staircase
This one was about a miniature version of Bob Dylan on the stairs. It was inspired by the time I saw a miniature version of Bob Dylan on the stairs. It was similar in subject matter to the article I wrote about Paul Newman's disembodied head, which was also on stairs. Perhaps the stairs symbolize the endless climbs that people in show business face. Or perhaps stairs were just a random thing I thought of.
Anywho.
I believe I mentioned someone nudging Bob Dylan with their foot and sending him scuttling.
I definitely mentioned that he'd lost his acoustic guitar.
Perhaps the image of a tiny Bob Dylan symbolized that Bob Dylan was fading from public memory. Gradually growing smaller and smaller. Try not to step on him as you climb up to the fifth floor. Which has a hole in the wall, by the way. It's dark in there.
But I'm actually not in posession of the meaning because I am not in possession of how to spell that properly (THERES NO B!!!)
Amongst the TREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
A little.
So yeah! There's the lost articles for you!
The three lost articles of the night of September Tenth.
Attempting to describe them from memory is like trying to describe to police an old friend who's gone missing. "His ears were...I don't know...average sized?"
Or like attempting to describe the man who stole your wallet, stood by your window licking the glass, brought you to the laboratory of a giant baby, then tried to step on Bob Dylan. Have you seen this man? He's on all the deleted milk cartons which have been recycled in to playground equipment and cardiac arrest.
An attempt to deforestate and find the unfindable?
Hope you enjoyed.
OH!
I also wrote an article about a lonely doorknob! DAMMIT!
I forgot about that one! I must stay up even later to duplicate!!!
The lonely doorknob was about a doorknob who was lonely and anguished. He fell in love with a college girl, but she moved away and he was lonely and sad forever. It was an article about loneliness. It didn't have any sandwiches in it.
I'm going to sleep now. I pooped a little.