The Basking Cabinet of Inner-Glory
Many journey miles, miles, more miles, and a few extra communist kilometers to pay visit to the potentially-sacred Basking Cabinet of Inner-Glory. A failed contestant of the "Wonders of the World", the cabinet itself is said to possess so-called "special peeling, healing, and dealing powers". Thus, some studies of the cabinet have lead people to believe that it was, in fact, a former casino poker dealer, illegal alien fruit juicer, and witch doctor (see The Lion, the Witch, and the Cabinet).
The Basking Cabinet of Inner-Glory, often called The Cabinet, inadvertently radiates carcinogens on its onlookers, creating cancerous nonsense, which it promptly "heals" with its special healing powers. It does so by having intimidated, but fertiley ill people stuffed into its doors, where a bright flash of light is emitted and the former person comes out a loaf of bread. Since the life of the loaf of bread is not desirable among the pompous youth followers of the cabinet, the sick are reluctant to be put into the cabinet by their peers; however, the peers are generally able to force the swine into the furniture, where they break into tears before becoming transmogrified into a delicious loaf of bread, devoured by the devotees onlooking the cabinet.
“It's best when we take suggestive terminally ill children, laugh at them, and then stuff them into the cabinet. They typically turn into sourdough, the far and away favorite of the crowd.”