The Disturbingly Perfect Marriage of Lucinda and Fred

Lucinda drove through the rain, still numb with shock. Her husband Fred had died a few short days ago. He had only been 34. He'd been killed by a tragic <<insert some sort of surreal, wacky way of dying here>>.

But yeah, Lucinda was still pretty freaked out about the sudden, wacky death of her husband. She was driving to the home of Fred's mother, Glupe.

Still in a haze of shocked disbelief, Lucinda parked her car in Glupe's rainsoaked driveway and rang the doorbell. Lucinda had expected Glupe to be in tears, but when Glupe opened the door she was grinning broadly.

"Come on in, Lucinda!" said Glupe, laughing joyfully, "Fred and I were beginning to worry!"

Lucinda stepped in to the house, utterly bewildered, then let out a cry of surprise. Fred was standing in the kitchen, smiling broadly, one arm raised in greeting.

"FRED!" yelled Lucinda.

But Fred did not respond. In fact, he wasn't moving at all. He simply stood there, rigid, with one arm raised.

"He's happy to see you again!" said Glupe, bustling in to the kitchen.

"Wh-what's going on?" asked Lucinda, utterly terrified.

Glupe paused for a second, then said, "It was your father-in-law's idea. We were talking about how much we missed Fred. We would have loved to have him back. That's when your father-in-law realized that we CAN have him back! Rather than facing his death and dealing with it, we could just IGNORE it!"

Lucinda was baffled.

"Don't you see?" said Glupe, "We had Fred STUFFED!"

Lucinda let out a repulsed scream.

"I know it sounds gross at first," said Glupe, "But the company did it for a very reasonable price, and you learn to suppress the urge to vomit after being around Fred's body for awhile. Now, it's just like old times! I talk to Fred's stuffed body, I cook him meals, I hug him, and everything! It's just like before! Come to think of it, the stuffed version of Fred is actually a bit more likeable than the live version!"

Lucinda was too repulsed to speak.

Glupe went on, "I wanted to keep Fred here with me, but he's YOUR husband. So you can have him."

Lucinda took Fred's stuffed, stiff body and carried it back to her car. She took it home with her.

As years went by, her repulsion faded, and it was replaced with awe at the brilliance of Glupe's idea. Why should she face the hard truth of her husband's death when the stuffed version was so realistic?

Indeed, after awhile she'd forgotten that that minor incident (his death) had ever happened. And when she did remember it, she decided that her marriage to him was better now that he was stuffed. After all, he never interrupted her now. He never made any mistakes or embarassing social blunders. All he did was smile and hold his hand in a perpetual, jovial greeting.

And so, she went on living, eating, and sleeping with her stuffed husband for 5 more years, until one day when she was unexpectedly killed by <<insert another wacky death here>>.

Old Glupe was shocked at first when she heard of Lucinda's death. But the shock quickly gave way to a sense of purpose. Glupe phoned the same company that had, years ago, stuffed Fred. She had Lucinda's body stuffed too.

Lucinda's body, like Fred's, was given a perpetual smile. Glupe set up Lucinda and Fred's bodies in her lawn, facing each other, smiling at each other forever. People came from miles around to gaze at the two stuffed people. Lucinda and Fred never fought or disagreed, they simply smiled at each other forevermore.