The Green Ball (Uncensored Version)

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SCENE 1 EXT.RESIDENTIAL STREET – DAY

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Wide shot: street, slow zoom in, with children playing. It's a bright and sunny day. Yes, the setting of this story is actually quite pleasant.

Narrator: "And so begins the day when children play, to fill their spouts with honey and clay. But will it end in the exact same way? Or for our heroes, be it their last day...?

"It won't be of course, since it's not real."

Camera stops zooming in. Kids stop playing and look at the camera.

Narrator: "The writer could make the characters invincible if he wanted. Besides, the writer prefers doing happy endings… what? Oh sorry, I'll keep quiet."

Camera starts to zoom in again. Kids continue to play.

Narrator: The tale begins on Hallowe'en down at a conspicuous police department...

CUT TO

Distance shot: police station, slow zoom in.

Narrator: "The force's most enthusiastic members, ALEX and CHUBSON, are in for a rather peculiar day. The heroic twosome are resting from all the heroic stuff they’ve done."

"They were originally stupid students in another story used again just because the writer couldn’t be bothered to create new characters."

"To hell with your script! I’ve already been paid. You made that mistake yesterday."

SCENE 2 INT. STATION CANTEEN – DAY 12:35pm

Wide shot: canteen, slow zoom in.

CUT TO

Shot of heroes at table.

Chubson, a child-like overweight fellow who is lucky he’s alive (never mind a police officer), is shovelling his lunch down in front of Alex, who’s the heroic down to earth guy that easily gets frustrated by Chubson. Alex is sat at a table reading the newspaper. Chubson is sat opposite, and sees the doughnut that Alex has left.

Chubson: You gonna eat that?

Alex: You need to stop eating so much. You’ve put on a lot of weight since you joined the force. You won’t pass your next review lookin' like that.

Chubson grabs the jam doughnut and starts to tuck into it.

Chubson: Hey, Chubson by name, Chubson by nature. Geddit?

Chubson chuckles and nudges Alex with his elbow.

Alex: Yeah, I get it.

GOODY, the boss walks up to the table. He talks just like Officer Tenpenny off GTA San Andreas. In fact, it’s him. Only not, for copyright reasons.

Goody: Boo!

Chubson jumps and spills doughnut jam all over his shirt. He grabs a nearby napkin to wipe it off with, struggling to get the stain out.

Goody: (Chuckles) Yo fellas. Glad to see you working hard. You heard about this serial killer?

Chubson looks up from licking his shirt.

Chubson: Serial killer? I didn’t lock the kitchen cupboards.

Goody: Yeah there’s someone going round killing people, choking them to death with mushy peas.

Alex: God, that’s disgusting. I’ve never heard anything like it in the entire 15 seconds of me being a murder investigator.

Chubson: I wouldn’t mind death by overconsumption of mushy peas.

Alex: Any suspects?

Goody: Not a sausage. Very mysterious criminal at work here. Go scope this out.

Alex: We will.

Chubson: Yeah, I’m up for that. I needed a reason to stand up anyway; I’ve got crumbs all over me shirt.

Alex: Aw, man.

SCENE 3 EXT. 23 ILLOGICAL AVENUE LIVING ROOM – DAY 13:50pm

The crime scene is a mess with pizza boxes and beer cans scattered everywhere. The dead body of a middle aged Caucasian is in the middle of the room. The carcass has mushy peas coming out of its mouth, ears, and even its eyes! There is also the trail of an unknown substance running across the room.

Alex: Shitting hell. This is one crazy killer.

Chubson enters, drooling at the sight of the mushy peas oozing out of the carcasses.

Chubson: Wow, it’s just like a piñata stuffed with mushy peas.

Chubson closes his eyes and pretends to swing a bat in the air. Alex slaps Chubson on the arm.

They both walk to GINA, A fifty something forensic scientist still in mighty fine shape with mighty fine bosoms. You would wouldn’t you? She brushes down for fingerprints on the coffee table.

Gina: This is the third case this week with this mysterious stain that looks like a snail trail.

She points to a trail of poison running across the room

Gina: The victim is a middle aged Caucasian male, evidently a loner judging by all this mess. No sign of damage to outer tissue, but very heavily damaged from the inside. However this killer is operating, it’s an internal process.

Chubson: Maybe it’s indigestion. That’s what you get when you eat too fast.

Alex slaps Chubson on the back of his head.

Chubson: It could be something scary. Like a werewolf or a vampire or a zombie!

Alex: Chubson, that’s highly irrational. Not only are you overweight, you’re also a bad investigator.

Gina: Actually I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s right. It is close to Hallowe'en after all.

Alex: Oh please. Halloween is just an opportunity for the Government to take money off us.

Gina kneels down to look underneath the couch. She browses around to find loose change and crumbs from food.

Alex: Cashing in on toffee apples, costumes of stupid monsters that don’t exist.

Chubson: Does that mean George W Bush got paid when I bought my Superman costume?

Alex: What?

Chubson: It’s my costume. I bought it from Argos.

Alex: That’s silly. You might as well go round peoples' houses saying ‘Hi I’m Superman. Trick or treat …

Gina stands back up and looks directly at Alex.

Alex:…Oh and I’m using my x-ray vision and I have to say you have some mighty fine underwear miss!’

(Silence.)

Gina: I’m not wearing any.

Chubson: (to Alex) So you’re not going to come trick or treatin' with me then.

Alex: Hell no. If scary monsters actually existed, I would though.

Alex walks to front door where there is an umbrella and golf bag filled with clubs.

Alex: He was a keen golfer huh?

Chubson: Uh oh. I need to go pee!

Chubson rushes into the downstairs toilet frantically.

Gina: What’s the matter with him?

Alex: He has a fear of golf balls. The grooves in them make him wanna barf.

Chubson: Is it safe to come out now?

Alex: Yeah.

Chubson slowly opens the door and steps out anxiously. He looks around the room and gains satisfaction that its safe.

Gina: We did a chemical analysis on the snail trail. That’s one real strong poison. The swab we did was enough to wipe out an entire unit of the armed services.

Alex: So it’s deadly stuff then.

Chubson remains silent, as Alex and Gina expect him to talk. He keeps quiet, so Alex slaps Chubson on the back of the head.

Chubson: What was that one for?

Alex: You have something on your neck. Oh it’s a 'stupid tumor'. Oh wait, no it's not. It's your head.

SCENE 4 EXT. 23 ILLOGICAL AVENUE – DAY 14:15pm

Alex and Chubson talk as they walk to their white Honda Civic parked across the road from the house. I had to sneak that in somewhere didn't I?

Chubson: So what we gonna do now Alex?

Alex: It’s simple. We will come back tonight. The criminal always returns to the scene of the crime.

Chubson: Oh no. I don’t like the sound of that.

Alex:You’re not afraid are you? Woah, we’re gonna get attacked by some evil golf balls. Come on, lets go.

SCENE 5 INT. CAR OUTSIDE 23 ILLOGICAL AVENUE – NIGHT 21:40pm

It is raining and blowing a strong gale. Alex and Chubson sat in car eating pizza. Alex looks at his watch.

Alex:Okay. It’s time.

Chubson: Oh God.

Alex: What’s up? Oh Chubson. There won’t be any golf balls knocking around. The guy kept those upstairs. That's the least of your worries anyway.

They get out of the car. Alex walks confidently to the house. Chubson nervously follows behind.

SCENE 6 INT. 23 ILLOGICAL AVENUE LIVING ROOM – NIGHT 22:00pm

They enter the living room, and the door slams shut behind them. Alex switches on the living room light. Chubson kicks a few beer cans around excitedly like a rampant child. Alex signals to him to be quiet. They both tiptoe their way around the crime scene. The lights cut out.

Alex: Damn lights.

Chubson: Hey Alex, look!

Chubson points to a pile of mushy peas stacked up on the side of the fireplace.

Alex: Never known a killer so obsessed with mushy peas.

Chubson: (shakily) I’m telling you Alex, it isn’t a case of who killed this man, rather what.

Alex: Chubson will you stop with the Halloween malarkey? There is nothing to be afraid of.

There is the faint sound of a rolling ball coming from the squelching pile of mushy peas.

Alex: What’s that?

The rolling sound turns into a rumbling.

CUT TO

P.O.V shot from the mushy peas facing heroes. Rumbling intensifies.

CUT TO

Close up: mushy pea pile.

It suddenly goes quiet. A green ball the size of a tennis ball emerges slowly from a hole in the mushy pea nest and rolls across the room right past them both. They both kneel down and watch it.

Alex: What the hell?

The ball picks up speed, rolling from the living room into the dining room area. It leaves a trail of poison. It bumps into the table leg, causing a dirty cardboard box to rather suddenly and randomly fall off it.

An army of roughly 200 green balls the size of golf balls shoot out of the box. They all land on the floor and get into a formation. They hiss and screech in a high pitched tone. The queen green ball rolls to the front of the formation.

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Oh noes, The Green Ball has arrived!

Alex: Sweet mother of Jesus!

The queen ball lets out an intensifying high pitch screech. The green ball army charge towards them, jeering in screeching. Though they can only roll so fast, so it’s a slow process.

Alex and Chubson shit a brick. They both run to the living room door. Alex tries to open the door and fails.

Alex: It’s locked.

Chubson knocks Alex out of the way and frantically tries to open the door himself.

Alex: I told you it’s locked.

Chubson: Shut up!

The army of green balls make their way closer to Alex and Chubson.

Alex: Chubson, I’m sorry I doubted you. You were right. It was a case of it not who.

Chubson: Well I was a little surprised too, alright?

The green ball army have made their way to them within arms reach. Alex catches sight of two golf clubs in the golf club bag. He takes two clubs out.

Alex: Here.

He throws a driver to Chubson.

Chubson: What’s this for?

Alex: Were gonna have a short round of pitch n’ putt.

The green balls hiss and screech as they edge closer, like foxes rounding up their prey. Alex targets one of the green balls and lines up his 5 Iron with a professional-like golf swing.

Alex: Fore!

Alex swings the club and hits a green ball. It flies across the room and smashes a vase. Chubson joins in. He swings more at the other advancing green balls. Chubson struggles to swing his club successfully.

Chubson: You know I’ve never played golf before.

He instead resorts to squashing one of them with the driver club. He slams the club down onto a green ball which causes it to pop.

Alex: Oh crap, the poison! Make a break for the window. Don’t take them all on.

Alex makes a run for the window, while Chubson shortly follows behind. Alex makes it across. Chubson falls over in his attempts and lands on the green balls. The remaining green balls capture him and squirt poison all over him, which solidifies into a stringy form all around his body. It ties Chubson up so he cannot move. Alex reaches the window.

Chubson: Alex! Help!

Alex turns around and reaches for his gun to shoot the green balls. He aims but doesn’t fire.

Alex: Chubson!

The green balls form another formation leading towards the mushy peas pile on the fireplace. Chubson is being carried towards it head first by the green balls. He wriggles around in an attempt to break free from the green ball stringy grip. No chance!

Alex: No!!

The green balls stop in their tracks. They realize Chubson won’t fit into the nest because he’s too fat. They become confused.

Alex opens the window, causing the gale to violently pass through the house. The strong winds cause the balls to blow away in all directions, screeching in pain as they hit the skirting boards. Chubson breaks free from the string. He gets up as Alex meets up with Chubson to reassure him.

They watch the green balls roll back into their nest, as they let out haunting screeches. The bad weather subsides and the sun starts to rise.

Chubson:Thank God that’s over.

Alex: It’s over for now. But next year…

They both gasp for breath. Alex pats Chubson on the back.

Alex: Hey Chubson. Think I’ve thought of a good costume for Halloween…

Chubson: Really?

Alex: Hell yeah man.

They both shake hands and hug, having a brotherly moment. Aww. Brotherly moment. That isn’t gay in any way you know.

SCENE 7 EXT. POLICE STATION – DAY 2 13:05pm

Alex knocks on the back door of the station. Goody opens the door.

Alex and Chubson: Trick or treat!

Chubson and Alex are stood in their Halloween costumes. Chubson is in his Superman outfit, while Alex is wearing a huge green ball costume.

Goody: Man I thought you were some crazy ass killers coming to pop my ass for a moment there. Come on in.

Goody fully opens the door and Alex and Chubson cheerfully enter.

Goody: You two are shit officers. You came across the killer, had the chance to cuff him, yet you came back empty handed.

Alex: Well I…

Goody: But don’t worry. I’m sure he won’t be coming back round here for a long time now you’ve shown him a thing or two.

Alex: But the killer wasn’t… never mind.

Goody: Now I know you’re Superman, Chubson, but what the hell are you Alex?

Alex: The Green Ball of course. You wouldn’t wanna bump into me down a dark alley on a Friday night.

Goody stands between Alex and Chubson and puts his arms around them.

Goody: (Laughs) Sure thing, Alex. Sure thing.

Shot of station corridor as the three walk down it. The camera shot heightens and zooms out.

Narrator: "And so ends the tale that transpired on that frightful night…"

Hang on a bloody moment, is that it? That was not at all scary. What’s more, that isn’t even a proper ending 'cause nobody's been ripped apart or anything. That's bitterly disappointing. I read through all that for nothing! Oops, sorry. I'll continue.

“Without the curse of the green ball in sight. So thanks for watching, see you next year, for next Halloween… But will it end in ecstatic cheer?"

(Evil laugh.)

Was that good? Sorry about the mistakes, I have had a lot of sherry. Merry Christmas to you all, and goodnight. (Burps)

Oh I've got wind.

THE END