The Magic Trolley
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Chapter One - # In the beginning, When we were winning... #
Once upon an autumn or spring at the dawn of twilight, the direst time of night, there stood a potato stall not far from Norwich city centre. This fried snack cart has absolutely no relevance to the main story, but had to be crowbarred in for sponsorship reasons. Despite this, the stall's banner seems pixellated and unreadable from this distance, and could read 'give blood today' for all we know.
Suddenly and highly unexpectedly, a brilliant ball of light bulging with static electricity appeared adjacent to the potato stall, brightening the dank, lifeless street in an instant. Microseconds later, an explosion never before seen this side of deepest Dudley rocked the potato stall with the force of seventeen uber-weebles, sending chip papers flying and charring gutter rats to such an extent that not even the most starving tramp would consider consuming them.
From this electromagnetic, earthly supernova emerged our protagonist, our trampy friend - a man known by his enemies as Shaun Ploddington Vassell. Our hero, curled up in a naked ball (apart from his humorously-shaped headgear), examined his surroundings to find nobody in the immediate vicinity save for a startled potato stall chef, whose cigarette fell from his mouth into the deep fat fryer. Shaun stood up and turned to the now petrified chef, bellowing:
- "I need your clothes, your boots and your finest potato please."
The chef promptly thrust his head into the deep fat fryer, believing this to be a horrible dream from which he would wake any second now. However it was not, so you probably know what the chef said.
- "Daaaaaamn!"
Chapter Two - The Chance Meeting Between Two Alike
For some reason the chef refused to give Shaun his clothes, but did award our hero with a potato in exchange for dancing around like a trained monkey. Tired and naked, but no longer hungry, Shaun ventured purposefully into the streets of darkest Norwich, searching for any other remote signs of primitive life. It was not long, however, before Shaun took a bad turn down an ominous-looking alleyway.
- "Where am I?" Shaun questioned to himself.
- "Welcome to Norwich, my friend." came a husky voice from the shadows. From behind a barely visible wall emerged a tramp, and an overly friendly one at that, especially considering Shaun's clotheslessness at this point.
- "Norwich? How the hell did I get here? I must've took a wrong turning at the fork in the time warp."
- "Time warp? You from the future or something?"
- "Yeah, I’m from 214BC."
- "Oh you're from the past. It's 2009AD."
- "2009? Where are the flying carts?"
- "Flying carts? AHAWHAWHAW! You've been watching too much television you mon! Carts don't fly. They kinda roll along the floor."
- "Like rocks?"
- "Er... yeah, why not."
- "COOOOOOOL!"
- "Anyway, everybody has cars these days."
- "C... caaar?"
- "Yeah, cars. Bloody hell, it's only one letter away from cart. How do you have difficulty saying that word? Times have certainly changed since 214BC. Hang on a minute... how do you know that Jesus Christ is going to be born?”
- "Jesus Christ? No, BC doesn’t stand for Before Christ. No, it stands for Before Cars."
- "Oh right, okay."
Chapter Three - The Point Being Proven. Okay you're friendly already!
Shaun got to the point by asking the million dollar question:
- "Now, I need something in which to keep my rock collection. Do you know of a place where I might find such a thing?"
The overly friendly tramp took a long, deep breath.
- "I know of a great shop not far from here. And it's free."
- "Wow, really? Great!"
- "The shop keeper is awfully friendly."
- "It can't be awful if he's friendly. Unless he's overly friendly."
- "Nothing wrong with being friends with everyone though."
- "That's not possible. You can't be friends with everyone."
- "Oh really? Watch."
An innocent (or maybe not, we know not of his criminal records or past misdemeanours and it would be pointless and somewhat irrelevant to the story to ask him) member of the general public just so happened to be walking by at this exact moment, which was somewhat opportune. The tramp followed him.
- "Hey! You! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey you! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! HEY! Hey..."
This continued for half an hour, until he realised the passer by had earphones in. So he kicked him in the gut and shouted "HEY!". The passer by fell on the floor clenching his stomach, screaming in pain.
- "Hey you! You wanna be my friend?"
The passer by looked up, squinting in the bright streetlight.
- "Oww. Uh... What?"
The overly friendly tramp went down on both knees as if he were about to plead for his life.
- "I said; Hey you! You wanna be my friend?"
- "Oh. Sure," said the passer by, slowly beginning to raise himself from the tarmac.
The tramp rose with a smug smile. "See?"
The passer, now on his feet, pinched the over friendly tramp on the cheek.
- "OW! OH MY GOD, THE PAIN!"
The passer by looked on confused.
- "What the hell did you do that for? You hurt me!"
- "But that’s what fiends do. They hurt you and stuff."
The tramp recognised the confusion, so decided to deck the guy and run off with his wallet. Shaun followed. They dashed around the corner. Panting in exhaustion, they spotted a skip which would provide an ideal hiding spot.
- "So... huff... are you going to show me where this shop is?"
- "Oh yeah, that. Just a sec."
The tramp rummaged through the wallet, only to find a Daysaver ticket and a stick of strawberry flavoured gum.
- "This will put me on for breakfast. Do you want some?"
- "Er, no thanks." He shoved the gum in his mouth and with one gulp he swallowed it whole, chocking and fisting his chest to help it down.
- "Right then. About this shop..."
Chapter Four - The Discovery Of The Magic Trolley!
Finally. Shaun had waited for this moment a whole ten minutes.
- "It's not just any old shop. It's full of mystery. Nobody knows where the guy gets the stuff from, but it's top notch. No other place like it."
- "And it's free?" Shaun questioned.
- "Oh yeah, of course. Just don’t let anybody see you talking to the shop keeper. He’s a bit gone in the head. Rumour has it that he once flew to the moon and met a space monkey that wiped his brain of all knowledge. Now he's a dumbass.”
- "Oh don’t worry I’m used to being around those." He said, hoping the overly friendly tramp would take the hint.
So Shaun followed the over friendly tramp and arrived at the free shop, only to find it was a hole in the ground at the side of the road into which various denizens of the town had urinated and dumped their rubbish. Shaun took the opportunity to get some clothes. He checked the label on a fisherman’s jacket to find it was for people aged between 12-14 year olds, but in the absence of much else, insisted on wearing it. He found and donned some matching ripped denim jeans that had split at the crotch, which made it look as if he was lazy and couldn't be arsed to undo the zip to take a leak. Now stood like a child who had wished to be big via a wishing machine outside some dodgy arcade, he wore a radiant smile.
- "How do I look?" Shaun asked the tramp.
- "Like a million dollars," replied the tramp. He meant it, too, his own clothes reduced to rags by constant brow wiping and various unsavoury activities.
Shaun, about to turn away, noticed something poking out of the hole. No, not the hole in his crotch, the hole in the ground. There it lay, brand new except for the cigarette burns and the mice living in it. A trolley with a pattern boldly going where no other had gone before. It was perfect. And Shaun wanted it. "I'll take it!" he exclaimed, hesitated for a brief moment, then realised the shop keeper was in fact invisible.
Chapter Five - The Discovery Of A Different Time
Shaun scared the mice off by pretending he was a cat, and it worked. The mice scurried off into the distant shadows. Their eyes glowed red in the dark as they laughed evilly (You know, like evil but with ‘ly’ at the end). Shaun threw his rock collection into the back pocket of the trolley, and looked inside the main section to find a whole lot of rubbish including some cheddar cheese and an old newspaper from the year 1999.
"Ah, some cheese. That'll do me for later" Shaun said excitedly. He moved the cheese to reveal the old newspaper.
“Hey overly friendly tramp! There’s a newspaper in here from the year 1999!”
“Is there? Lemme see…”
They both observed the newspaper, glancing at the amazingly great print for its time. The overly friendly tramp hesitated, before realizing:
“Oh wait no, this isn’t from 1999. You’ve got it upside down. It’s from 6661… 6661??? This is a paper from the future!”
“Really?” Shaun looked on in ore.
“Yeah! Have a look. This here in the weather section has a picture of some strange island. Surely this is a British paper? It says Norwich Daily News at the top. Yeah this must be what the UK will look like in 6661!”
“What does it look like?” Shaun questioned.
“Well it looks like a man's head, with a beard, a moustache, and a funny looking hat. In fact it kinda looks like…”
The overly friendly tramp looked puzzled for a moment, before holding up the paper aside Shaun and comparing both the island and Shaun's head.
“In fact, it kinda looks like… you.”
They both stood there in silence. Shaun uttered:
“Me? It can’t be. Lemme see…”
The overly friendly tramp started to become a little worried.
“My my. It’s like looking into a mirror!”
“You see? This trolley isn’t any old trolley… it’s got some sort of unusual properties which makes it… different, from the rest.”
“Different? No, you’re not suggesting this is some sort of magic trolley are you?”
“Hell no. I’m just saying it’s got a nice pattern is all.”
Chapter Six - The Introduction. Hey wait! It's been this long?
The overly friendly tramp waited this long to introduce himself to Shaun.
“Oh I’m sorry. I didn’t fully introduce myself did I?”
“I’m kinda glad you didn’t.”
“Oh right. Well anyways my name is Reginald.”
“Reginald? Is that even a name?”
“Of course it is! Otherwise I wouldn’t have it.”
“Did you change your name by deed poll?”
“Yes…”
“Did you check what colour you were last time you saw yourself in the mirror? I think Reginald’s a black mans name.”
“Hey! I’m a black man stuck inside a white man's body. Every time somebody says ‘really?’ I have to say ‘fo' shizzle’. I can’t help it.”
“Really?”
“Fo' shizzle! See?”
“You’re making that up. You’re just saying that because you didn’t know Reginald was a black mans name aren’t you?”
“…hang on. How do you know about deed poll? It’s only been in existence for 150 years…”
“Oh, we had a similar thing back in the old days called dipole. Yeah, you could change your name but it cost you three limbs.”
“Three limbs?”
“I know. Just think if you were from my time you would have had to lose all but one arm or leg just to change your name.”
“It’s worth it if you have a name like Ren Bensenmen. Anyway, I wanna introduce you to my friends. Great bunch they are. Always game for a laugh.”
“Okay then. Lead the way.”
So Reginald and Shaun, with his trolley of mystery, followed a dirt path down to some woods. Wolves could be heard howling away like some sorta scary horror film, and unusual sounds could be heard coming from the trees. This place looked kinda haunted. Shaun was becoming rather nervous.
“Reginald, did we have to come this way? It’s a little bit scary.”
“Relax man it’s a shortcut. We’re not far away now.”
They eventually reached a large lakeside where two figures wearing blankets were sat opposite each other leaning towards a glowing fire made from wood. One of the figures was tall and fat in size, whereas the other was small and thin. The dark figures turned their heads, looking evilly (that word again) at Shaun with red eyes. He started to become unsettled.
Chapter Seven - The Brothers. Phew, they're not scary after all. Actually they still are...
All of a sudden, the figures both together shouted:
“SEÑOR REGINALD!!”
They got up and showed themselves, with matching moustaches and wearing dungarees and flat caps with matching coloured clothes. They also appeared to be Italian. I sense copyright infringement. They hugged Reginald excitedly. The short fat one said:
“Mama mia! It’sa nice to see you!”
“Shaun, meet my bestest buddies in the whole wide world. This fat lump of lard is Alessandro…”
“That’s señor Alessandro to you, señor Reginald!”
“Heh heh, sure thing Alessandro! And this lanky thing here is senor Domenico. They’re both brothers. Say hi to Shaun guys.”
The brothers said together in unison:
“Hi señor Shaun!”
Alessandro without a hint of sarcasm said:
"Nice clothes, señor Shaun!"
Señor Shaun... I mean, Shaun, took the compliment.
"Thanks."
Reginald put his arms around both Alessandro and Domenico.
“Fellas, you mean the world to me you do. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
Shaun, uncomfortable in the situation, decided to try and sneak away clutching at his trolley. Reginald noticed.
“Going so soon, Shaun?”
Shaun turned around.
“Well I figured I was just cluttering up the space around the fire, so I though I’d leave.”
“Nonsense, where would you go exactly?”
“Erm, back to the potato stall?”
“Heheh! There’s no need for you to go back there. Come and join us man. The fires warm.”
Chapter Eight - Shaun's Anger. GRR! Another Point To Prove
The gang sat down aside the fire. Shaun sat down next to Reginald. He watched the fires flames shooting up into the air. The flames started to die down.
“Oh rats. Señor Domenico, you didn’t bring enough firewood!”
“It’s not mah fault señor Alessandro. There was plenty when I brought some.”
“We need more firewood,” Reginald said. “How about chucking us that trolley, Shaun?”
Shaun gasped and clutched at the trolley, hugging it like a new born baby. Shaun shouted in anger:
“NO! GET MORE FIREWOOD!”
Reginald covered his ears from all the shouting.
“At least give us the newspaper.” he said.
“No! This trolley isn’t any old trolley, no. It’s a magic trolley. And it can FLY!”
Reginald became embarrassed, putting his head in his hands.
“Oh dear.”
Alessandro and Domenico turned their heads to each other, and in unison burst out laughing.
“AWHAWHAWHAW!”
“What are you both laughing at? It’s true!”
“AWHAWHAWHAW!”
Shaun started to become angry.
Chapter Nine - Humiliation... God I hate it when that happens
Alessandro eased his laughter.
“AWHAHAW… AWHAH.. awhaw… right. So… it’s a magic trolley you say?”
“Yep.”
“And it can fly?”
“Yep”
Domenico sniggered, which then turned into a burst of laughter. Alessandro turned his attention directly to Shaun.
“Domenico, stop with da laughing already. Shaun? I implore you to make it fly.”
“What?” Shaun became quiet.
“Go on, make it fly.”
Shaun looked at the trolley, inanimate and still.
“Or are you lying?”
“Oh it can fly.”
“I’m waiting.” Alessandro chuckled, folding his arms preparing himself for some good old humiliation. Reginald muttered into Shaun's ear:
“Shaun, this thing has no capability of flying. What do you think you’re doing?”
“Trust me Reginald, it will work. Somehow. Just let me do my thing.”
Shaun dragged his trolley to some space away from the fire. He didn’t have any clue of what he was about to do or what was going to happen. He whispered to the trolley:
“Okay, Mr. Trolley. Can I call you Trolley? I want to impress these idiots by making you fly. So do your stuff, and don’t embarrass me in front of them. Capiche?”
The trolley didn’t respond. Obviously because it can’t talk. So Shaun took a step back, had a deep breath, then shouted out loud:
“Trolley fly!”
He flailed his arms. The trolley didn’t budge. He thought perhaps the way he moved his arms was influencing the trolley to stay put. So this time he raised his arms and waved them like a preacher.
“TROLLEY… FLY!”
The trolley didn’t fly again. Shaun looked at the gang concentrating on the trolley. He grabbed it and threw it in the air. Alessandro and Domenico watched it skim through the sky and dart to the ground in ore. Domenico was in shock.
“GASP! It CAN fly!”
Shaun folded his arms with a smug smile on his face and said:
“Too right it can fly. And you doubted its power.”
“That was AMAZING!” Alessandro said excitedly, and clapped his hands like a little baby amused at the funny faces a clown makes. Reginald muttered into Shaun's ear:
“Sure, they’re my best mates. But even I admit that they’re gullible as hell.”
Shaun gave Reginald a wee wink.
Chapter Ten - The Crime. Dun dun dun!
Alessandro nudged Domenico with his elbow, who was still in shock from the display. Alessandro looked around suspiciously and said:
“Excuse me and my brother for a moment please.”
They both walked away from the fire and near the lakes edge.
“Señor Domenico, we’ve got to get hold of that trolley.”
“But señor Alessandro, stealing is wrong.”
“Never mind about that. If Jesus told you to do it, would you?”
“Well that’sa different you see. I’d get him arrested, but not you. You’re my brother señor!”
They both looked over to Reginald and Shaun, planning their theft out. Shaun and Reginald had no idea what was going on.
“What do you think they’re talking about Reginald?”
“Oh I dunno, probably which of them is going to kill the flying spaghetti monster. They’re always planning schemes. Last week they hatched a ridiculous plan to steal the Holy Bible from the local church. Didn’t go to plan. They arrived to find the Bible was being used by a priest, so they stole him too. The poor old fellah didn’t know what was going on.”
“Is that so?” Shaun questioned. He was starting to not trust who he was with. Domenico and Alessandro returned to the fire.
“Señor Shaun, are you going to stay the night?” Domenico asked.
“Yeah I might as well. Not like I have anywhere to go, eh Reginald?”
“Er, yeah of course. We don’t mind you staying.”
Alessandro turned to Domenico and whispered in his ear:
“Okay, as soon as he falls asleep, grab the trolley and... # Run to the hiiiills. BADUM! DUSCH! BADUM! Run for your liiiife.”
Domenico gave the nod to Alessandro. Alessandro then headed to the hills and said:
“Right I’m going up to the hills now.”''
“Why’s that?” Shaun questioned.
“Er, um...It’s just easier for me to sleep seeing the stars. Can’t see them over here you see. Too many trees.”
“Okay then Alessandro, but be careful” Reginald said, as he got comfy near the fire and lay his head down on the grass. Shaun followed suit. Domenico couldn’t settle.
“Senor Shaun, where exactly are you from?”
“… from the other side. Let me sleep.”
“Oh okay.”
Domenico clearly didn’t want him to fall asleep. He was worried that he was doing a bad thing by stealing the trolley. Shaun fell to sleep after about 40 minutes. Domenico picked his moment and got up slowly, hoping not to wake either Shaun or Reginald. He tiptoed to the other side of the fire, and found that Shaun was using the trolley as a pillow. Domenico took the trolley from under his head and before Shaun's head could hit the ground he replaced it with a dead cat. Domenico thought to himself both the brothers going missing with the trolley, nobody would suspect a thing. He clenched at the trolley and dashed to the hills, tripping and falling along the way. The crime was done.
What will happen to The Magic Trolley? How will Shaun take the news that his trolley has gone? How will he get it back? Is the sky blue or that annoying colour that Norwich City FC play in? Tune in next time to find out! Which will be when I can be bothered to do another part.