The Psychedelic Haircut Experience

Lucille, the barber, sat in absolute silence in the corner of the barbershop. Then, a very fat woman came in to the barbershop.

"I am a very fat woman!" said the very fat woman, "And I need a haircut."

"CUT YOUR OWN HAIR, FATSO!!!" screamed Lucille, throwing a pair of hedge clippers at the very fat woman. The very fat woman sat in one of the barber chairs, and it collapsed beneath her. Then, she exploded.

Ten minutes passed.

Then, a teenage boy walked in to the barber shop. His name was Wadsworth, and he was the main character of this article.

"I need a haircut!" said Wadsworth, "But I only want you to cut every OTHER hair on my head. Understood?"

"Absolutely," said the barber, "Sit down please."

"Wadsworth sat," said Wadsworth as he sat down.

"Indeed," said the barber as she snipped one of Wadsworth's hairs.

As she snipped and snipped, Wadsworth stared in the mirror at his own reflected eyes.

"My eyes are blue," said Wadsworth.

"Mine are brown," said Lucille.

The sound of the snipping scissors filled the room. It filled in the awkward silences in their conversation.

"So...uh...I notice you're wearing shoes, Wadsworth."

"Yes. I bought them at a store."

"Really?"

"Yes."

Snip snip snip snip.

Snip snip snip.

Snip snip snip snip snip.

Snip.

Snip Snip.

Snip snip snip snip.

"The ceiling of this building is white."

"Off-white, actually."

Snip snip snip.

Snip Snip snip snip.

snip Snip Snip snip Snip snip.

Snip.

Snip Snip Snip.

"Sometimes I crack my knuckles."

"My husband cracked his knuckle once. Then I put it in the refrigerator."

"That's a strange image."

"Yes. I put it in the refrigerator next to the dog."

Snip.

Snip Snip.

Snip.

Snip.

Snip Snip Snip.

"Does that image have any meaning, Lucille?"

"What image?"

"The image of your husband's knuckle in the fridge next to the dog."

"No, it's completely meaningless. THIS image, however, is a metaphor." At this point, Lucille pulled a bottle of glue out of her pocket and dumped it in Wadsworth's hair. She started massaging it in to his scalp.

At this point, a completely nude man ran in to the room. "I am completely nude!" he screamed. Then he passed out on the cash register.

"I'll have to put money in his mouth." said the barber.

"Oh." said Wadsworth. Then, Wadsworth thought of a question that might make for interesting conversation.

"When a whale dies, does if float upside down like a goldfish, or sink down to the bottom of the sea like a rock?"

"SHUT UP!!! I HATE YOU!!!"

The barber snipped a few more of Wadsworth's hairs, then she said, "DAMMIT! This is taking too long!" She grabbed a handful of his hair and yanked it out of his scalp.

"OUCH!" screamed Wadsworth! "Put that back!"

The barber apologized and taped the hair back to Wadsworth's scalp.

She started snipping his hair again.

Then, a very tall man walked in to the room. He was wearing a yellow suit.

He said: "I am a very tall man. I have an announcement." Then, his head dropped off.

After that, a bunch of other guys in yellow suits walked in after him. Some of them were tall, and some of them were quite short. Some of them were obese.

They had tools with them, like drills and hammers. They smelled of bacon.

They used the tools to dismantle the barber shop.

First they pulled up the tiles on the floor.

Then they smashed the walls with hammers.

Then they crushed the chairs and tables.

Finally, they had dismantled everything surrounding Wadsworth and the barber.

They put the remains of the barber shop in garbage bags, and loaded the garbage bags in to trucks. They drove away, in a single-file line.

"Where are they going?" asked Wadsworth.

"To the cliff." said the barber.

"The cliff?"

"Yes, the cliff. They're going to drive off a big cliff. You'll hear the explosions in a second."

Sure enough, in a few moments, Wadsworth heard explosions. One after another.

Boom. Boom. Boom.

He noticed that the booming of the exploding trucks matched with the rythm of the scissors.

Snip. Boom. Snip. Boom.

As Wadsworth's hair was snipped from his head and floated gently to the ground, the men in yellow suits drove off the cliffs and exploded in firey oblivion, as the hammers went with them, as the garbage bags burned.

boom. Snip. boom. Snip. boom. Snip.

Wadsworth closed his eyes. this rhythm reminded him of something. He kept his eyes closed. Then he opened them, and suddenly he was in his bedroom. The "boom! snip!" sound was in fact the "tick, tock" of his clock.

"What an odd dream!" said Wadsworth, climbing out of bed, "good thing it wasn't true!"

But then, he looked at his pillow, and saw that it was covered in his own hair.