The Safari

"Welcome to the Safari," said the man driving the truck, "Please find a chair to sit in. If you can't find a chair, please shoot yourself to make room."

The passengers obeyed.

"This is a safari," said the tourguide, who was also the man driving the truck, who was named Joe, who had a very uninteresting name, "It takes place inside a moving vehicle. The vehicle has wheels. Any questions?"

An old woman raised her hand.

"I'm sitting in a chair," she said.

"That's not a question," he said.

She removed her shirt.

"Please remain clothed while the vehicle is in motion," said the tourguide, "Everyone, get your eggs ready!"

The passengers all reached into various places--their pockets, their purses, their hats--and pulled out ostrich eggs. They smashed the eggs against their elbows, and taped the empty shells to their heads.

The tour bus began to move. The tourguide spoke.

"We are in Africa," he said. "Africa is a continent. A continent is a large island with fewer coconut trees and a differing number of attractive women, medication, cement slabs, and acrobats. Any questions? The sky?"

Something goofy happened. The audience chuckled.

"To your left, you see an ant." said the tourguide.

"AN ANT?" screamed a man in the truck, "I've never seen an ant before! I just orgasmed! A real ANT! But where is it?"

"Over there. In the savannah. Behind the lion."

The man killed the lion with a flyswatter so he could see the ant. Everybody likes Nancy.

It's a shame you didn't say goodbye to Nancy the same way you said goodbye to the main character.

The safari rolled on.

"Directly above us, there is a piece of fuzz floating through the air. Directly underneath us is some dirt and a cigarette that I threw in the road this morning. And over here, airbags. Any questions."

"Good lord. Is that a fruitfly?"

They all got out their cameras, binoculars, etc. And took pictures of the fly. As it flew by.

I am going to stop writing this article now. My hands hurt. From typing. I need a keyboard that causes less pain and/or grinding and shattering. Of the hands.

Lorraine?