The Secret Life of an American Teenager RETARD EDITION!
Maggie was a sixteen year old teenager with a major form of down-syndrome. This is her story.
Episode 1
"Hey fwends," Maggie said as she walked into Kalamazoo School for the Retarded. Her friend Lisa answered, "Oh hi Maggie!" The bell rang but it wasn't a regular bell. It was originally a real bell but the retards thought it was music so they clapped and never went to class so they changed it to the class President saying, "Get to class, pleeeeease." Everyone knew that Maggie had a crush on class President Johnny McWafflez. "Oh he's soooo hot," Maggie said. Lisa agreed, "Yeah. He always is in classrooms with the AC on..." Lisa had a more-serious form of retardation, obviously. Lisa and Maggie walked into 1st period which was Science. The school didn't call it 1st period, they called it "Special" period, so the kids could relate better.
The teacher was Mr. Snyder, a mentally-depressed man as with all of the teachers, I mean, it's a retarded school. Today, as 16 year olds, they were learning where babies come from. For years the school taught real sex ed but parents were suing because the kids were asking too many questions so know the curriculum features "The Stork". When Mr. Snyder explained it to the class Maggie raised her hand, she said, "My brudder is in fift gwade and he says that babies come fwom a mommy and a daddy having sex." "AGH!!!!" The whole classed gasped at the word considering they had the maturity of about third-graders. Mr. Snyder said, "No. The Stork brings babies. Having sex does nothing. Class dismissed.
Episode 2
They were walking out of class and Maggie was talking to Lisa, "Oh boy! Sex does nothing! That means I can have sex with Johnny all I want- and nothing will happen." The rest of the day went smoothly and when Maggie went home she asked her Mom how to have sex. "Why- why would you want to know that?" "For life- duh." Her Mom felt anguished. Have you ever been said "duh" to by a retard? Her mom said, "Well... The man sticks his _____ in a woman's ______ and the man sperminates. There. That's sex." Maggie was so happy, she knew she had to invite Johnny over for sex the next day. She called Lisa that night and told her the news. She was so happy!
The next day at school in 2nd period or "Unique" period Maggie asked Johnny to come over for sex that night. She had to explain to him what sex was, how to perform it, and how there were no risks. "O-tay," he said, "I'll come over at seven firty!" That night Johnny showed up and climbed up to Maggie's window. It took like ten minutes. Maggie's room was on the bottom floor. "Okay," Maggie said, "Let's do it!"
Episode 3
"Ah," they said in unison. "Sex is awesome," Maggie said. "I know," said Johnny. They went into school and told everyone about it. Even all of the teachers including Mr. Snyder. They were on top of the world- and they really thought that because they still didn't teach them that the world isn't flat. In social studies, Mrs. Moore was asking questions to the class. "Who," she started, "Lives in China?" Maggie was so excited. She was saying "I know this one! I know this one!" When Mrs. Moore called on her she screamed, "Indonesians, of course!" "No... It's Chinese people...."
About a month later, Maggie started throwing up a lot and she wondered why. "Mommy, why do I keep throwing up?" She asked her Mom. Her Mom answered, "You probably have a bug. Go away." She was tired of being soft on Maggie. "Why can't you be like your brother Tommy?" "I don't want to! That means I'd me a boy! Yuck!" "Ugh...."
Episode 4
3 & a half months after Maggie had sex she started to realize her "tummy" was getting bigger. "Mommy," she asked her mom, "My tummy's getting bigger- Why?" "Lay off the snacks." The used that simple answer and believed it and told everyone. A month after that, it started to get BIGGER and she felt a beat coming from it. Mr. Snyder overheard Maggie talking to her friends about it. The next day he killed himself for "Helping bring another one into the world."
Maggie was 5 & a half months pregnant when her Dad bumped into her and felt the beat of the baby. He told his wife and they got her a pregnancy test. The results came back. They were: "It took you THAT long to realize. You're retarded." Her parents were shocked but Maggie was busy calling the pregnancy test a psychic because it could tell she was retarded. Her mom and dad didn't know what to do. They had no choice but to move to Utah where the world's only "School for Retarded Pregnant Teenagers" was located.
Episode 5
Maggie was at the school for a month, thus making her 6 & a half months pregnant. She was busy thinking of baby names and said the baby was gonna be named Maggie- after her. Her parents asked, "What if it's a boy?" She laughed and said, "Haha... I'm a girl so I'm gonna have to have a girl. It's nature! Boys give birth to boys and girls give birth to girls, sillies!" That's when it dawned on them she was unfit to be a mother. They were going to put the baby up for adoption.
Maggie wanted to keep the baby but her parents insisted. They decided to just wait the pregnancy out and make her give up the baby. By this time, Maggie was 32 days from her due date. She loved to rub her belly and pat it, and talk to it, and kiss it, and that one time where she... Nevermind. She was the dumbest girl at the school because all of the other kids were "Semi-retarded". She was made fun of and she wanted to go emo if it weren't for her friend Angie.
Episode 6
Angie was very supportive and their due dates were 30 days apart. The day came where Angie went into labor and Maggie went into the delivery room with her. She held her hand and supported her. The doctors were surprised because they never saw someone SO retarded that actually figured out how to have sex. Angie was having a fine-birth and when she pushed it out Maggie got so freaked out she went into labor as well.
They brung her into a different delivery room and tried to help her. Her parents were called and they ran in to support her. Johnny was also there and so was his family. When the doctors said push, she thought they meant "push it out" so she pooped like 5 times before she actually got the baby out. They put the baby up for adoption the next day.
Epilogue
The baby was adopted by an Indian-American couple and the baby grew up smart. He got straight A's through school, was class president, but still had enough friends not to be a nerd. Maggie got to see him on three occasions but called him mutant every time because he, quote, "Wasn't the same size when she had him."