Thumb
The thumb is a hideous creation with one purpose: to give people yet another object to argue over. Many people spend all their lives "proving" that the thumb is a finger, or alternatively, that it is a separate entity altogether. This dispute resulted in the Great Thumb War of 1978.
The thumb is so controversial that almost 50% of college students since then have cut off their thumbs in protest, declaring "We still have eight fingers!", before bleeding to death in the most hideous fashion.
Great Thumb War of 1978
The Great dispute of Thumbs oringinated on the set of Star Wars when George Lucas started arguing with the head costume designer over an alien's lack of thumbs. The designer defended himself by stating the ambiguous nature of the thumb (how it might be a finger) and how he had rights of artistic license. Needless to say, he was fired on the spot and replaced by a wookiee.
As a symbol of his hatred for all digits on the hand, Lucas added the scene where young Luke Skywalker loses his hand to Darth Vader.
This scene and the following lawsuit from the costume designer sparked the hatred and action of the Hand Foundation, Thumbs Across America, and some cast members of Sesame Street. Many showed up on the Star Wars movie set rioting and assaulting cast members. Bert and Ernie were seen biting Yoda's ears off; Jaba the Hut reportedly swallowed Kermit the Frog, who promptly became caught in his throat.
The opposable thumb
The opposable thumb is a thumb inherited from the opposum, and is also the opposite thumb to the posable thumb.
The posable thumb
The posable thumb is the thumb that excels at posing. A number of known poses this thumb can do are:
- Homo territo
- An insulting gesture aimed at homosexuals.
- Abductor risque
- A slightly risky gesture to show that you intend to abduct someone.
- Erotica amor preaparo
- A gesture to show that you're ready and willing to have sex.
- Flexor potens
- A gesture only mastered by few, hence striking awe in the watchers.
Origin
The thumb is believed to have originated in 1972 A.D. after inbreeding between the middle and index fingers. Since then, numerous thumb colonies have emerged across the known universe.
The Rule of Thumb
The rule of thumb has been debated greatly. Amateur thumb experts believe that the rule of thumb is that the thumb must not be used when fingering oneself or one's wife. Professional thumb experts believe the rule of thumb is that when gouging one's eyes out, the thumbs must be used, while the fingers are used to grip the sides of the victim's head. However, when God was consulted on the matter, he said the rule of the thumb was a period of time when Tom Thumb ruled the world and made everyone into a slave. Dr. Charles Yeti Haboola San Jr. from Sandford University has come to the conclusion that the rule of thumb is that the thumb must be used to stroke the penis head during masturbation, whereas the pinky finger is used to tickle the balls.
Reflection on Purpose
Although the thumb was originally intended for nose picking, other applications have evolved, including:
- a firmer grip for kitten huffing
- insertion into dikes and dams in case of accidental rupture, introduced by George W. Bush during Hurricane Katrina
- feeding hungry Montegues when in conflict with Capulets
See also
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