Universe in Your Head
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“Flying Bulldogs everywhere... Look out Pablo! No! Why?! Pablo, why?!”
The Universe in Your Head is how you perceive the world around you. It's those voices telling you to hit her with the axe. It's the little green dwarf who offers you a cocktail every time you use the word fuzz in a sentence. It's the feminine face in the moon that asks you to masturbate to the thought of it. More importantly, it's why you are abso-freaking-lutely insane.
Good Choices
Since the Universe in Your Head is how you perceive, well, everything, it is who you have to thank for any good choice you make. Not God. Not Jesus. Not Tebow When football players thank God for their wonderful tackle, that is why they are football players and not genius scientists: they don't know to thanks the tiny universe in their head.
Harvard University conducted a project where they researched the tiny universe, and they uncovered that 57 percent of all choices are the opposite of good, or as some of you like to define, bad. That's right. You are prone to fail.
Bad Choices
This 57 percent is mostly concentrated in the minor dumbass moments you make. You don't perceive to flip off your turn signal. You don't perceive to just pretend you aren't home when the Bible Salesman Shows up. You don't perceive that maybe some people find it really freaking inconsiderate that you don't pick up your dog's shit off the pavement. Jesus Christ, who in their right mind would do that?
Anyways, that ultra speacial 4 percent of the time is known as the black hole of your tiny universe. It's dark and ominous and most of all, really, really scary. This is the time when you perceive it okay to, for example, set your best friends head on fire on his birthday and piss him out while screaming, "Blow out the birthday candles! Blow out the birthday candles Donny! Hahahaha!"
Perceptions like these lead to restraining orders and castration. And ice cream! Yay!
Real Life And You
Contrary to popular belief, it can be fun to be a complete bumblefig who is lost in his/her own Universe. A popular favorite is the belief that evolution doesn't exist. Don't believe it? Well, you don't have to! Hey, I believe that tiny pigs visit me at night and tell me to do bad things to the neighbor's dog, and I've never had problems. So, real life is over rated. Do you think your perriwinkle wallpaper is simply pink? Forget it! Not literally, seriously, that stains.
Harvard says that only 5 percent of the World lives in reality. The rest of us are resigned to tiny universes inside our heads.
Must Haves!
Many items help you isolate yourself from anything close to real life. Among them are iPods, Chat Rooms, and Bill Clinton. For a more extensive list, type dumbass into your Google Search Engine. Weeee!
The Mentally Challenged
Some think that the mentally challenged have gone to far in their own head. The more common belief is that they are all just related to Tom Cruise. Harvard, which seems to have done the only freaking research project on this, says that the mentally challenged actually see to much of the world and it scared the hell out of them.
Think about it... the world will one day combust into a giant fireball, frying you and your family in a bloodbath of hate and sadness and ickiness. Tigers are dying. Bush-es are over populating. The Whooping Crane is dying! The whooping crane!
Looking at the real world is like looking at the sun. You can do it, but many experts and your mother don't advise it. Your father will probably just laugh and watch you mess up again. Why daddy? Why?