User:THE/p3

So...this was originally written as a Melville Amsterdam sequel. I liked the idea as I was writing it, but upon further reflection, it ain't as good as the first two. So yeah. I ain't gonna delete it. Instead, I'm gonna leave it in my userspace. You can read it if you want, but don't expect it to be as good as the first two cuz it isn't. Pecan pie.

Chapter One: An Unfortunate Illness

Melville Amsterdam was lying on his back on the floor of his dumpster, completely nude. His ironing board was lying on top of his naked body. Melville stroked the ironing board and smiled at it with a sheepishness that could only mean one thing: he'd just spent twelve hours having wild sex with it.

He wriggled out from under the ironing board and took his mother, the beer can, out of the cardboard box in which he stuck her whenever he was naked (he had to preserve his modesty!).

"Hello, mother," said Melville, "Your daughter and I just had sex 405.6 times, which should be enough to satisfy my manly desires for at least a few hours."

He glanced at his wristwatch. And when I say he glanced at his wristwatch, I mean he glanced at the clock he had drawn on his wrist in crayon.

"It's dinner time!" he proclaimed. "We're eating roast turkey tonight! It'll be delicious!!"

He crawled across the dumpster to the damp, slightly moldy newspaper he had found amongst the other filth that morning. He flipped through until he found a picture of a roast turkey, which he ripped out of the paper.

"Oh my, this DOES look good!" he said, as he shredded the photograph in to three equal pieces. He gave one to his ironing board, one to his mother, and he popped the third in to his mouth. "Delicious!" he said, before gagging violently.

He sighed heavily. Something didn't feel right. He had tried his best to be cheerful while living in the dumpster, but it was so filthy and so smelly; eating nothing but photographs ripped out of the newspaper was making him constently nautious and irritable. He was even getting angry at his wife at times. He had never been angry at the ironing board before. This troubled him. He decided to ask his mother for advice.

"I need to talk to mom, privately," he said to the ironing board, "So I'm gonna plug your ears." He scooped up some clumps of dried mud to stuff in the ironing board's ears. Since he had no idea where his wife's ears WERE, however, he just taped the mud to her underside and hoped that would suffice.

Then, he turned to his mom. Only to be met with a nasty shock. The beer can was getting rusty! "Mother!" he said, alarmed, "You're sick!"

Chapter Two: An Unfortunate Stillness

Melville was deeply perplexed. He knew his mother was old, but he had somehow never thought of her as mortal. Yet here she was, showing clear signs of old age.

"It's this dumpster," he said angrily, "It's made you ill! I've gotta get you into a retirement home!!!"

Melville scooped us the beer can and immediately leapt out of the dumpster, leaving the ironing board behind.

Melville ran down the street, gingerly holding his rusty beer can.

"Don't worry mom, I'll find a retirement home for you sooner or later!" he said. He was so busy staring at the can that he ran right past Richard's Retirement Home for Aging Beer Cans without noticing it.

He decided that he needed a car, so he could search faster. He didn't have on though, so he decided to steal one. He saw a gorgeous corvette, and tried to break in. It was locked. He decided to simply drag the car along the road and pretend he was driving it. He began yanking on the car, which barely moved. After 5 days, he had crossed to the other side of the street.

A concerned looking old man walked up to Melville and asked what he was doing.

"I'm driving!" said Melville, sweat pouring down his face. "I need to find a nursing home for my sick mother!"

"There's a nursing home right next door. You're five feet away from it."

Melville looked up in surprise and was shocked to see a large building with a sign on it that said THIS IS A NURSING HOME!

"What splendid luck!" said Melville. He started walking toward the building, only to walk in to a fence.

"Oh no, a fence!" said Melville, "I can't get in!" He cried for an hour, staring at the fence, before realizing that he could simply open the gate and walk inside. He did so.

Chapter Three: An Unfortunate Grillness

He walked across the lawn of the nursing home, which was lovely. "You'll be very comfortable here, mother," said Melville, "They'll take very good care of you."

Melville strolled in through the elegant front door and approached a woman behind a counter.

"I wish to have my mother live here," said Melville.

"Okay," said the woman, "Have your mother fill out this paperwork, please." She handed Melville eight pages of papers. This would pose a problem! His mother, being a beer can, could not hold a pen. Melville decided that rubbing the can against the paper would be sufficient. He did, and handed back the rusty, smeared paper to the receptionist.

"Uuuuh..." said the receptionist, "Where is your mother?"

"HERE!" said Melville, gingerly placing the beer can on the receptionist's desk. The receptionist raised her eyebrows.

"I'm afraid we can't accept your mother."

"That's a shame. I was prepared to give you a million dollars for her."

The receptionist sat up in her chair, glanced again at the beer can, then picked up her phone and called someone. A young doctor strolled in to the room. The receptionist handed the beer can to the doctor. "This is our new patient," said the receptionist, "She is to be given a top-quality room overlooking the park, with a very big, cozy bed. She is also to be scrubbed twice a day, and to be given a massage every night before bed. I'd like you to put her in a wheelchair and give her a tour of the nursing home now. And please make sure that nobody recycles her."

The man looked befuddled, but shrugged and took the beer can, placed it in a wheelchair and wheeled her off. "uuuh...if you look to your left, you'll see our tennis court..." the man said to the beer can.

The receptionist turned back to Melville and said, "Okay, where's the money?"

"What money?"

"The million dollars you promised me."

"Oh. That money. Yes."

"Where is it?"

"Yes."

"WHERE?"

"Oh, where? I uh..." Melville reached in to his pocket and pulled out a piece of string. "Here you go!" said Melville, handing her the string.

"You kidding me? I WANT MY MILLION DOLLARS!"

"Take it easy! Just...pretend, won't you? PRETEND that I just gave you a million dollars."

"Okay, fine. But now I'm pretending that someone stole it from me. You owe me a million more."

"No fair!"

"You give me a million dollars, or we'll kick your mom out on the street."

"Okay, fine. I'm pretending to give you a million more dollars."

"Yeah, well I'm pretending that it got blown away by a gust of wind."

"I'M pretending I caught it!"

At this moment, their debate was interrupted as a police man walked in to the room.

"I'm Officer Finny Vortex. Are you Melville Amsterdam?" the policeman asked Melville.

Melville responded, "OF COURSE NOT!! HOW DARE YOU ACCUSE ME OF BEING MELVILLE AMSTERDAM!!!" At this moment, he remembered that he in fact was Melville Amsterdam, and apologised to the policeman.

"Apology accepted," replied Officer Finny, pulling a pair of handcuffs out of his pocket, "but it is my duty under the laws of The United States to gently lick your ears."

"Lick my ears? WHAT?

"Oops, did I say that? I meant that I have to arrest you. You're under arrest.

"For WHAT?"

"It has come to the attention of the justice department that you have murdered quite a few people. You also made a mockery of a United States court a few weeks ago. You have been deemed a menace to society."

The police man handcuffed him. Before leaving, the receptionist of the nursing home said, "Amsterdam, I'm gonna give you two months. If you haven't given me a million dollars by that time, I'll relocate your mother out of this nursing home. And I'll put her in CLEVELAND."

Chapter Four: An Unfortunate Billness

Melville sat in the police car, stress gnawing at him. How would he possibly escape from Officer Finny? What's more, how could he raise a million dollars to save his mother from Cleveland?

Officer Finny parked the car in front of a grocery store. He pointed his gun in Melville's face and said, "Alright, step out of the car. I'm putting you in prison."

"Prison? But...this is a grocery store!"

"Yes, I know. Unfortunately, we've run out of room at the local prison, so you and I are just going to have to pretend that the grocery store is jail."

"Uhmm...okay."

Melville stood up and followed officer Finny in to the grocery store. They wandered to the back of the store, where dairy products were sold. Finny pulled a red crayon out of his pocket, and drew a circle on the floor.

"This is your cell," said Finny, pointing at the red circle. "Get inside!"

Melville did as he was told. Finny looked around, then said, "Stay in your cell. I'll be back."

Melville sat on the floor of the cell. It wasn't a very big cell--there was barely room to lie down. How would he escape?

Finny returned holding a bottlecap and a banana. He held up the bottlecap and said, "We are gonna pretend that this is the key of your cell. The only way for you to get out of the cell is to press the bottlecap to the line on the floor and yell "click!" If you do, then you can pretend that the cell is unlocked. I will unlock it once and a while so you can use the bathroom."

"Okay," said Melville, "What's the banana?"

"This is a taser. If I press it against your body and yell "zap!" you have to pretend that I shocked you, and act like you're in agony."

Melville drew away from the banana fearfully. Then, he curled up on the floor of his cell, miserable. Finny began pacing around and around the edge of the circle, watching Melville closely and frightening grocery shoppers.

Hours passed. At first, Melville was simply lying there, in a kind of stupor. But as time passed, he began to formulate a brilliant escape plan. First, he was going to distract Finny. Then, while Finny's back was turned, Melville would leap over the red line and run to a nearby baseball stadium. There, he would steal a wooden baseball bat. Then, he would return to his cell. Then, he would hit Finny on the head with the bat and steal the bottlecap. He would use the bottlecap to unlock his cell and escape!

After thinking his plan through a few more times, Melville decided it was flawless. It was time to put it into action. "Hey, Finny, look," said Melville, pointing, "It's Angelina Jolie!" Finny turned around, said, "Oh my God, it is!" and began masturbating on the spot. Melville seized his chance.

He leapt over the crayon line of his cell in one giant bound. Then he sprinted out of the grocery store and down the street to the baseball stadium.

"I want a wooden bat!" he screamed at one of the baseball players when he got there.

"We don't have wooden bats," said the baseball player, "Only metal."

"NOOOO!" screamed Melville, "My plan is ruined!"

"It is a shame" said the baseball player conversationally, "I used to play in Portland Oregon, where they use wooden bats all the time."

"They use wooden bats all the time in Portland, Oregon?" asked Melville.

"Yep."

Perhaps the plan could be a success after all! Melville sprinted out of the baseball stadium and across town to the local airport. "I want a flight to Portland, Oregon!" screamed Melville to a ticket woman.

"Sorry," said the woman, "We only fly to Ontario, Canada."

"CLOSE ENOUGH!"

Melville snatched a ticket for that flight, climbed aboard, and took the five hour flight to Canada. There, he started looking around for a baseball feild. At this point, he suddenly realized that maybe...just maybe...a metal bat could work just as well as a wooden bat! Stunned by his own brilliance, Melville booked a flight back to America, took the flight, and sprinted back to the local baseball field, where a game was in progress. A man stood on the pitcher's mound. His metal bat was lying on the ground, several feet away. Melville ran up and took the metal bat, leaving behind one of his own shoelaces and hoping nobody would notice the difference. Then he ran back to the grocery store, where Finny was still masturbating.

Melville leapt back in to his cell. At that precise moment, Finny stopped masturbating and said, "Hang on...THAT isn't Angelina Jolie! That's a milk jug!" He turned around and zipped up his pants. At this moment, Melville swung the bat at Finny. He missed by about eight feet, and the bat went flying through the air and smashed the milk jug. A drop of the milk got on Finny's police uniform, and he began sobbing. "Ruined! This was my best uniform, and now it's ruined! Thanks a lot, Melville!" The policeman cried and cried. Melville took his chance, and reached for the bottlecap. He grabbed it without the policeman noticing.

"Yes!" screamed Melville, "VICTORY!" He pressed the bottlecap to the crayon line and yelled "CLICK!" Melville was free!

Chapter Five: An Unfortunate Krillness

Melville snatched Finny's banana and sprinted away. He ran through the grocery store, brandishing the banana at customers and yelling, "Stay away from me! I'm breaking out of this prison, and none of you will stop me!" He ran past some bewildered customers and out in to the street. He couldn't wait to tell his ironing board about his amazing adventure!

He arrived at the smelly, filthy dumpster and flung open the top. The banana fell from his hand and his mouth fell open. His wife was gone!

"WHERE IS MY IRONING BOARD?" he bellowed to nobody in particular.

A man who was sweeping the front stairs of a nearby shop looked up and called to Melville, "If you mean the ironing board that was inside the dumpster, a garbage truck came by and took it away. It's probably somewhere in the junkyard by now!"

Melville gasped. His wife, kidnapped by a ruthless garbageman! Dragged to some desolate junk heap! It was all his fault! He should never have left her!

"I've got to rescue her!" He sprinted off towards the junk yard, hardly daring to breathe. When he arrived, he was met with an overwhelming sight: massive, looming mountains of festering, rusty, oozing, rotting garbage. And his wife was here somewhere. The only way to his love was through the garbage.

"WHERE ARE YOU?" he screamed, and his own scream echoed off the filth. But his ironing board did not scream back.

He began digging. He kept digging for hours and hours, sweat and tears pouring down his face, the afternoon sun burning him, the rusty trash cutting his hands, his arms, his toenails, and his appendix.

He dug through the garbage all day, refusing to stop. Finally, as the sun was setting, he fell on to his back and let out a howl of misery. And, as he was staring upwards, that's when he saw her. His ironing board was perched on top of one of the mounds of filth. He'd have to climb up to her!

"I'm coming!" he called up to her, "I'm coming up!" But the minute he touched the mountain of trash, it wobbled, and he slowly turned his head up towards the top of the mountain.

She was sliding off. He screamed and tried to steady the mountain, but it was too late. She was plummeting through the air, spinning rapidly. Melville could not speak, could not move, all he could do was watch her go down. She hit a slab of concrete, and burst in to two dozen pieces.

Melville let out a low moan that escalated to a wail. Then he sprinted over to where she had landed and gathered up the pieces, feeling numb, as if his own capacity for emotion had been smashed with her. He was shaking.

He sprinted to a hospital, with the smashed pieces of the ironing board in his violently trembling hands.

Chapter Six: An Unfortunate Shrillness

"I NEED SOMEONE TO REPAIR MY IRONING BOARD!!!" Melville bellowed at the top of his voice, the instant he ran in to the hospital. A doctor, who had been feeding a pill to a young child, turned around to look at Melville. "Wait in the waiting room," said the doctor. Melville did as he was told, cradling the pieces of his wife.

The doctor walked in after a few minutes. "Tell me what happened," said the doctor.

"She fell!" Melville said, "She fell off a pile of trash and exploded on concrete!"

The doctor's eyes widened as he looked from Melville to the smashed ironing board, then back to Melville.

"Is this...object...a friend of yours?"

"The love of my life!"

"I'm afraid this is beyond my...uh...field. You need a miracle. Have you ever heard of Jarlice the Magnificent?"

"Huh?"

"I guess not. She's a Goddess."

Melville paused to consider this strange statement. "A Goddess?"

"Yes. She spreads divine wisdom. She is especially wise about love, although she also gives good advice about interior decorating."

"Wait...is this someone I can actually SPEAK to?"

"Yes. She lives on top of a mountain in Nebraska, next to a highway. She's incredible.."

"Jarlice is her name?"

"Yes."

Melville sat up, still holding his ironing board. He wasn't sure what to think. Since the moment the ironing board had hit the cement, Melville's mind hadn't been working properly. It was like he was seeing things through a haze. He nodded and said, "She lives on a mountain next to the highway?"

"Yes, she does. Good luck. I've gotta go now." The doctor walked out of the room.

Melville sat, and looked down at the smashed ironing board. Would he travel across America to meet this Jarlice? Could she really save the ironing board? Melville thought a long time, and decided that if medicine couldn't save his ironing board, maybe a goddess was what he needed. A miracle. So he stood up and walked out of the hospital.

TO BE CONCLUDED IN PART FOUR.........