Who stole my sundae?

Well, it has come to my attention that some heartless, insensitive, bastard has stolen my sundae. Who are they and what in God's name sort of motives did they have? I do not know. All I know is this: that I want it back and that I will do everything in my power to realize my goal. Hence, I have assembled several lists that might come in handy to me in case I forget these sorts of things that are on these handy lists:

Reasons why I think someone stole my sundae:

1. It's not there.

2. They left a note that reads "I stole your sundae."

3. There's a melted ice cream stain on the note. (Most likely from my sundae)

4. The note was typed and unsigned.

5. My sundae is NOT THERE.

There's also this one which is of particular importance as well:

Reasons why I want it back:

1. It was crunchy and delicious.

2. It had creamy hot fudge on top.

3. The ice cream was cold and it's freakin' hot in here.

4. It had toasted nuts which were crunchy and delicious.

5. I had my weed stashed in it. (Hey man, don't judge.)

Who is this guy, anyway?

By now you're probably wondering "Who is this gentle soul who's love and kind nature has been so abused by the wretched ice cream thief?" Well, let me first just say that you probably would know who I am if I only had my name tag. Which I left, of all places, in my sundae. But considering this unanticipated lack of a sundae, I guess I will have to reveal to you my identity verbally. Though I severely doubt that you'll believe me with the absence of an ID and all, I am, in fact, John. See! I knew you wouldn't believe me. Curse you, sundae thief!

Oh crap! I left my car keys in my sundae too!

FRICK!

And I was gonna lick the hot fudge off them too.

Wait, where's my wallet... AWW!! DARN IT!!

No seriously guys, this isn't funny...

DAMMIT, WHO STOLE MY SUNDAE?!?!