A Christmas Carol
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Right, OK, so there's this guy, Scrooge or the Grinch or someone, and he's all "I AM AN ASSHOLE." So then, all of a sudden, these 3 ghosts just come outta nowhere and yell at him to stop. And that's his day.
The Ghosts
Thank you for this beituaful article! I have been feeling incredibly dispirited since Lieberman demolished the Senate reform bill.
Christmas Christmas: Ghost The Secondstrd
The second ghost is from the present. He is the least important, as he is neither a fruit nor a vegetable. In the food pyramid, he is a meat or dairy product, rich in nutrients but also in fat. In other words, the 2nd ghost is unimportant, but he gets a section anyways. He shows Scrooge the life of his humble worker, Bob Cratchet, as he dines on Christmas eve with his family of wheat products. Scrooge is sad, but not sad enough, but still kinda sad, but really only sad enough to advance a plotline that needed 300 CCs of sad, stat! I'M LOSING HIM, DOCTOR! CLEAR! BBBZZZZZZZTTT!! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP.... Boop.... Boop.... Boop... He's back! *Cheers*
Holidays OF THE FUTURE: The 3rdndth And Final Ghost
The third, and last ghost is from the future. He is the third and last ghost. The last ghost, he is also the penultimate, the final ghost. He is the final ghost in the story. It is also important to note that IT'S THE FINAL COUNTDOWN!!! DOODOO DOOOO DOOOO! DOODOO DOO-DOO-DOOOO. He shows Scrooge how everyone will hate him when he dies. Scrooge, who already knew this, demanded that the ghost work for him on Christmas day. The ghost protested. "But it's Christmas Day, sir! Please!"
Scrooge did not yield, and the ghost was forced to show Scrooge his own future grave. He was buried at sea, though, so this was no easy task. After a submarine ride, they stopped at an underwater Burger King, for fries and a shake. The damn Mexicans got their orders wrong. Hamburguesas con queso, papas fritas, y una bebida!! Hamburguesas con queso, papas fritas, y oh screw this, I'm going to KFC... And Scrooge did go to KFC, where he and the ghost dined most contentedly on Popcorn Chicken. Oh, and the ghost showed Scrooge his grave and Scrooge decided to be nice. He then woke up in his bed with a cold sweat, and swore off Indian food forever. (Yes, Again.)
Aftermath
And so, Scrooge wakes up in his bed, full of fear at what his future may become. He throws open his window, surprised by how warm it is for Christmas. "You there!" he yells to a boy on the street. "What day is this?" Please, tell me I'm not too late, tell me it's not Christmas, that I still have some time!"
The boy looks at Scrooge oddly. "Um, it's August, Mr. Scrooge...."
"So there's time!" cries Scrooge, as he rapidly gets dressed in a whirlwind of stockings, knickers, and breeches. "Here's twenty dollars. Go now, buy the Cratchets some food, and give the rest to charity. Hurry!" Scrooge then begins the process of getting undressed again, tossing his clothes across the floor of his room.
"Uh, Mr. Scrooge, are you OK...?"
"Yes, yes, fine!" replies Scrooge, gathering up and putting on the same clothes he had just taken off. "Now are you going or not? Hurry, hurry!"
"Well, I'll make sure this money goes to the right people," says the boy, grinning as he pockets the twenty and begins walking toward the toy store.
"Yes, excellent!" cries Scrooge, taking off his clothes one more time and running outside naked. "I shan't be left in an underwater grave near KFC! NEVER AGAIN! WWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
With that, Scrooge merrily skips out the door of his house, full of Christmas cheer, and is hit by a truck.
- THE END