A Christmas Carrot
- Foreword by Scharles Dickes
Foreword
- Wooooohhhh!!! This is Scharles Dickes frum beyondt' grave. Yeah, ah'm actually a Northerner, but so fookin' what. Anyway, what follows is the true transcription of what you may know as A Christmas Carol. Yeah, 150 years of history 'as corrupted the story a bit. I actually wrote it down the pub one afternoon after Big Bob McGillicuddy challenged me. 'E says, "ah bet ye can't write a story about Christmas right now!" And I did, which showed the barsteward. Anyhows, this Christmas when you're watching that travesty "A Muppet Christmas Carol" remember the true story. Yeah, this really happened. No kidding. Hic.
Chapter the first. Erm, actually it's the only one. Bear with me a sec here.
The cabbage was dead. There was no doubt about it. Fluffy made sure of it as he swallowed it whole without a thought as to the bizarre, nay, illogical properties this particular vegetable would hold. There was no time for that: it was 10AM, the hour Elly to come and walk her dear pet rabbit.
- Fluffy! It's time for your walk!
This would be no ordinary walk, for it was Christmas Eve and the streets would be filled with children spitting at men dressed as Santa and peeing in the drains. Oh what fun! thought Fluffy: he could almost smell the brussels sprouts roasting on an open fire now.
A plane flew overhead.
As Fluffy set foot upon the frost covered grass outside his hutch he burped; really loudly, spewing all manner of toxic gases into the cold air around him. He felt strangely disorientated. A freezing cold wind blew through his ears. In front of him he thought he could see a strange presence: the ghost of a strange cabbage shaped entity floating randomly yet fnurdlely....
It was not the ghost of the cabbage. It was in fact the plane, which crashed into Fluffy's hutch and Elly's house, setting it ablaze in flames that leapt so high they singed Santa's bare buttocks (yeah, you don't wanna know that he was doing up there).
It did not, however, destroy the hutch of Fluffy's neighbour, Ebeneezer bunny, who was alive and well. Yeah, he was actually driving the plane at the time, jumping to safety just moments before it exploded.
For you see, this story goes a lot deeper than you think. It's got nothing to do with carrots or ghosts or anything like that. The moral is that you ought to trust nobody and, er, don't buy evil rabbits. Or something like that.
Uh?
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good something or other.