A page of absolute nonsense
too sensible for Wikipedia, but Illogicopedia loves the truth. |
File:Wikipedia1.png → File:Wiki.png |
Chapter One:Bigfoot and the ugly Muppet
Wonce opon a time their was a vengefull goat who was angry because someone had got his goat if you know what i mean. You dont? Oh, well i guess i'll have to explain it to you... long, long ago in a land of fire and pain there lived a small but very powerfull goat. Someone milked the goat and made some cheese. But disaster struck because goats cheese is horrible, and when the goats girlfriend eat the cheese she became ill. "I only like the other cheese you make", she said, and she wasn't takling about gone off milk, oh no! So anyway the goat's girlfriend left him for a donkey, because the donkey was far more adventerous in bed. Then Bigfoot inexplicably vaporized his pet monkey, iPods flew like chipmunks being thrown. Glaring, Mr. Pickles hummed a sonata that Beethoven abhored because his fat wife buried a can of moss-covered mustard flavored ice cream which combusted into pure sodium and precipitated as a pink cow-shaped lump with heart-shaped diamond-studded banana engagement cowbell that dinged and donged to Mozart's "The Marriage of Figaro" where Mozart’s daughter was rejected by Beethoven’s son who was rejected from Stanford before Stanford even existed. So instead, Beethoven Jr. decided to travel overseas and visit Cambridge which had no girls and only very few itsy-bitsy men who would walk and gawk and talk like the rocks had flocks of birds. Therefore, Butterworth Wilkins smoked a pack of salty eels, and Miss Mozart lied about her affair with Mr. Lord-of-Logistics, her favorite person to have never kissed her in the light of the moon. Consequently, the girl who always sulked behind the Hulk decided to invoke her personal bulwark of fake robust Horcrux which resembled golden orbs that hummed to the tune of Vivaldi’s "Spring"...Suddenly, through the mists she saw a rainbow colored parrot stricken with AIDS that it contracted from Logistics. The parrot flopped onto Miss Mozart’s teahouse and turned into a spider that maimed the house cat that was trying to take a quick look at purrli's pregnancy test and found it positive. Now the gale blew through the house and the question is who bumped purrli? The answer was provided by Dr. kman1456's analysis, which proved that QuizQuick was the culprit, except that the analysis was flawed. What it did prove, however, was that Logistics was impotent and that kman1456, who was the real culprit. ANNNNNNYWAYS, purrli decided to seek revenge against Logistics for ruining her perfect fairytale story which would have gone to hell had he not stepped in. One night, purrli flew up to Logistic’s mansion in the clouds and left him a note, stating that she was going to cut him open and eat his slimy heart and sever all his aortic arteries and shave off all his leg hair and dissect his urea smelling kidney and marry him off to a drag queen in Sydney who had fists that could break a 5-foot steel door. So......... one day, while kman1456 was cooking tomatoes for brunch and baking sauerkraut three girls came up and asked him three riddles. The first girl, who had black hair that reached to the floor, asked "What is green, furry, and if it falls out of a tree could kill you?" kman1456 answers: a durian fruit. which is a kind of swimming pool. "FALSE!" She roared, baring her fangs. "The correct answer is - a pool table." The second girl, a grim Wildcat, asked "What wears overalls, is black, and dangerous?" Little Kim and her gang, kman1456 replied. "FALSE!!!" Yelled the girl. "The answer is - da dum dum - a scarecrow with a machine gun." That's 0 for 2, yelled the third girl. "Third riddle: what is black, white, and plum?" "A PUMPKIN" Kman yelled "Try my dead body after recieving gun shots"... Wrong! The third girl shouted. She then turned into purrli for enlightenment. "The answer," she said in a majestic voice, 'is - Martin Luther with a sun burn." Kman thought it was so funny that he rolled on the carpet gaffawing at the way Quiz Quick was sitting on the chair. Then Kman was turned into a wooly mammoth as punishment for him, and the Lord of Log was sent to the Chinese communists and was forced to sing the Internationale while laying red eggs with a yellow scythe on them. Then he became Hu Jintao’s pet and was rewarded for mounting his horse, who was named purrli. purrli overthrew the chinese government, and then became the new Chinese premieress who decided to make new communes for discombobulated veterans of CC who are having trouble doing homework and who ought to be studying for APs. In the Great Leap Backward, purrli ordered a plate of ham that were green that came with matching set of eggs that gave purrli diarrhea and then she walked out without paying, then the waiter pulled out a pair of uzis and pursued Bush into Camp David where lablondie decided to maim Condoleeza Rice with her massive round spiky bat with poison tips. Then purrli showed up, screaming bloody murder and took out her wand and cast a spell over me, myself, and I, making me a pikachu. Then she pointed her wand at Logistics and yelled ""Hippopatamus creatus!" And lo and behold, there materialized a certain purple and green creature by the name of Barney who danced and pranced and put everyone in a trance while shooting a glance at a girl named Nance who by chance had a fence named the Duke of York which no one could climb over. And then I found $10 and lost it, and I turned agnostic, following the Jainist order. Then I became disillusioned with the Jains's sexual preference and said that purple cows had ate fowls, and stood up and bowed while the cat meowed and vowed never to howl. All too familiarly, someone entered the room named Dame who ate maimed game that isn't quite tame or had the same last name or fame, so she blamed and framed someone else for this shame and claimed that the whole damn thing was pretty lame. Her aim was for much more than fame with everything being the same and she missed her old flame who's pen name played word games. "STOP!," Ellaboudy pantomimed, and his shouted exploded from the pressure buildup. Suddenly, he stopped and danced to accordion music that was really loud. Then he took out a basket and made it into a moldy casket which leaked like a gasket although it seemed elastic; so I rowed my boat to Nantucket and saw this shell in bucket that sang like an ugly Muppet. Isn't it suprising that those things are puppets? Made out of furry carpet? "NO MORE RHYMES," bellowed Senorita, whipping out a margarita, and my name is Rita Repulsa from the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, who eats pitas because I am a Gothic Lolita who raped Harry Potter and Mickey Mouse on the same day because they are imaginary and oh so revolutionary and fluffy. I wonder why QuizQuick decided to excrete air and go to the county fair to glare and fell into despair because the sooth sayer predicted that he'll marry Jane Eyre and everyone can burn copies of The Eyre Affair by Fforde's mere qui a perdu son pere who soon realized speaking French was not his forte and started learning Yiddish. I wanted a pet kangaroo who purred while its eyes blurred and it’s fur would choke people I don't like and make them slur while speaking Yiddish to me. Horrified, I decreed that logisticslord got a C+ on his calc test. So logisticslord decided to defect to Mongolia, and plucked a magnolia, ate it, and fell into a coma, and that is a cause for enigma. Angelina Jolie tried to wake him but he had died!!! He was buried in a deep dungeon keep and forced to eat moss and sleep on rats and was awakened by brats who owned giant cats that ate them all and became fat and were bitten by gnats that they got from the frats and by sitting on mats, they meditated under an olive tree, contemplating the trivialities and questions of the thetan that dwelled within the great spire of the mansion of Methuselah.
Chapter Two:It rained
So it rained and poured and flooded and deluged and rained pigs and cows; it was a disaster! To find the angle bisector, it was seen as imperative that the old elephant die and let the new elephant eat him so that he would grow limp in the pants. Then I heard Bigfoot, who was quite upset because he felt like he had been forgotten in this story, start to lick the snow only to find out that it was yellow and smelled peculiar like sulfur, and gave him an allergy and he had a convulsion. Phillip swore that he was too anarchist to become a monarchist so he turned fascist and became racist and pluralist, and became polygamous with poltergeists that came from Polaris and polarized his glens and monopolized his mother and whispered to each other. Then purrli came back to Bigfootland and saw that Logisticland had been ruling for too long so she hatched a great plan to bring about his downfall. She was inspired by the works of Sun Tzu and the tactics of Zhu Ge Liang and the laziness of the Dowager Empress and the beauty of Xi Shi and the mercilessness of Mao Zedong and the genius of Sun Wukong and the skills of Jet Li, all combined to make a superb heroine who easily defeated Logistics and baked his minions and minced his onions and cut his bunions and jet him off to Orion while infecting him with a prion at the Priory of the Sion while being bitten by a lion, oi, for 'tis the lion of Zion, who became the scion of Orion and deposited his anions by his cations as he listened to Celine Dion while vacationing in Lyon and collided with an ion that released a positron and antimatter spewed into the lake contaminating it indefinitely and destroying whoever starts the next sentence with "Then". Then, ziggy was destroyed and we all got annoyed because of his masochist attitude. So I swear Logistics has a fixation for QQ because that's the only time he'd ever post on this thread. “Ah-ha!” Logistics exclaimed, spotting purrli swimming in the lake and fixated on her...so Logistics sank into a depression about his orientation and committed seppuku. On one rainy day Logistics fell down a ravine and landed as a bovine that munched babies for lunch and gave milk to Harvard admissions officers so they accepted him to the class of 2011 because he is so amazingly milky in complexion and was mistaken for a female ghost in the likeness of the wonderful, sensous, brilliant, smooth-talking, suave, clean-shaven porcupine with pointed beards and pointy ears and spoke in an accent that reminisced of gays. Hugh Hefner and other morons who smelled like Boron swam through a sea of oxymorons and was caught by Sauron in a proton shot forth from Princeton and hit the Andes Mountains and splashed over the Fountain of Youth and turned Ponce de Leon into the Emperor's New Groove and turned his armor into a silk dress and his steed into a llama and his men into mice and his den to dice and his logs into lice and his virtues into vice and his rowboats into rice University and his swords into scythes and his eyes into ice and his pies into pith and his senses into Sith and his mistresses (ie purrli) into myth who was lady-like and lithe and wore many beaded pearls extracted from urns that burned and turned and churned and became taciturn ferns that earned a thousand yens which dropped into a thousand dens became a thousand Big Bens that turned into a thousand hens that clucked in their thousand pens who looked like a thousand men with a thousand hydrogens which bonded to a thousand cyanides and made a thousand mols of poison which were fed to helpless mice in Nice with a price of the sacrifice of lice and rice and spice until it will suffice to twice make me italian ice thrice, which doesn't make sense because logistics said so. The giant squid maliciously seized the helpless, hapless, handless, headless, hipless, heartless, hypothalamusless hippopotamus and chewed him to bits and spit out his bones and smeard his flesh until he experienced a thrilling, galvanizing, arousing, electrifying euphoria that oxidized his post count. Feeling down, he decided to write a novel. Inadvertenly, he reduced his Reimann sum, but forgot his teacher didn't teach him the right way to do so. He figured smoking a cigarette would be suffice. Then he found out how important calculating Riemann Sums were to his success in Calculus class, where he had an A and had to snag an A+ and thus win the hand of Miss Harvard 2006. However, being with Miss Harvard 2006 made him very important, and Miss Princeton began to get jealous, and she began to conspire with the very legally blonde Miss Stanford to pit the all too naïve Miss Yale against the dumpy Miss Cornell who cried and was replaced with the Nordic looking Miss Dartmouth in the eye, and screaming to Mrs. Community College (because she was green with envy) to stay away from her man! So Miss Upenn, who was very snotty, decided to get in on the action. She converted to a Quaker and came to Shaker Heights and beat up Julia Shatten. Mrs. Johns Hopkins then decided to dote on his as well and asked her friend, Miss Columbia to set plain Miss Brown up with a handsome Duke, who isn't from the Imperial Ivy Dynasty and therefore dumped plain Miss Brown. Then, Miss University of Chicago got on top of the Sears Tower and shouted that she was ghetto and jumped off. No one cared, so finally the beautiful Miss Northwestern is the sole ruler of Illinois and invited the other Misses to a grand ball where they recited the anthem of Soka University, aka the Four Noble Truths. They then had a feast which lasted until the end of time, which in reality was only two days. After that, they retreated to Logistic's residence and danced to tango the jango, salsa, waltz, and polka. Soon the troop was whisked to sarorah's house 40 years back in time sand everyone saw sarorah’s mom and had a picnic in Central Park. They then went shopping at Bergdorf Goodman and bought even more pretty dresses for the lil tramp who came back from the dead to destroy the living fake people and take everyone else to paradise where they enjoyed long walks on the beach. Soon, they had to come back to the present and face the truth *dun dun dun*: in 24 hours they were all going to receive a ransom note threatening the life of Miss Northwestern who caught hypothermia and went up to her bedroom to warm up some meatloaf when suddenly glass rained down on her bed and two ninjas yelled "Banzai!!!!" Swinging their samurai swords, they proceeded to take all the Misses hostage and would have succeeded if it weren't for the timely entrance of another shady, by the name of slim, who loooooves sushi and pork fried rice and dumplings and chowmein sided with even more chowmein and who was also a good cook because the food she cooked was magical and could transform into laser and burn a hole through the medulla oblongata, the cerebellum, thus causing chaos in A minor. The Misses were safe again and proceeded to hold a tea party in Wonderland with the Mad Hatter, Alice scrambled to make the tea, but she was turned into a short and stout teapot by a jealous, short dwarf that suffered from a case of reverse-gigantism which alienated his half fairy godmother who croaked "The Music of the Night" in an excellent bass voice that made everyone shimmy while playing Brahm's Hungarian Dances and made everyone have a little too much to hope for the Holy Carp whom the dwarves all prayed to threatened to unleash the curse of the nutcracker who'd pirouette with the beautiful girl who always carried a lotus and riding on a golden fish and wearing this. So the beautiful girl appeared and turned into a Siren, singing the aria from La Boheme and causing shipwrecks that sank the Titanic and drove men mad and donkeys wild with love. So it came to be that the donkeys fell in love with big feet and red lips and a pet donkey named Max, who sat on a tack. Max had jealousy issues, and the donkeys all decided to trample him to death and leave the body in a state of uncomfortable decay that smelled like strawberry tater tots with butter and cream and sprinkles of perfumed sesame that tasted delicious with fried tofu and golden chopsticks engraved with 'wangba' on them as a warning. While debunking the Justinian Affair, lil' Max read A Day in the Life of Africa. Somehow, his socks turned into a cactus that sang Olive_Tree Is My God(dess). Olive_Tree was stupified and turned into an Olive Tree (just like the legend of Apollo and the laurel tree). Justinian the cactus begged the Devil to be his pollen and decided to scatter candy which was poison that was quickly neutralized with olive oil. Suddenly kman1456 took a shotgun and fired it into the air as an enemy was coming towards him. The enemy turned out to be quite gregarious, and it was none other than the darkly handsome, man named Lorenzo, who came from the exotic island of Lollipopland. Inevitably, the candy man got banned and canned and spammed until he was choked by a malicious molecule that manifested into a mutiny that mutated out of the mayhem and munched like manakins that looked like fashionable mannequins that marched stupidly. They randomed all the bacon that the deacon made and flamed it onto this game with the Free-Response section and gutted the Multiple-Choice section and chose essays #2 and #7 to be graded by blind readers who gave scores that befit everybody's nightmares and turned Santa's test that's used to measure Justinian's shoe size, which unfortunately stank so much that the readers thought that a dungbumb had combusted in their lungs, producing phlegm and mercury droplets which caused severe mental retardation and itching in the navel and shriveled his ovaries and destroyed his white blood cells and caused him to grow a thick layer of fur that smelled of Titan Arum and belladonna, which soon attracted killer goldfishes who have quirky and creative ways of eating escargot and drinking sake and chasing swift-footed lioness up stone wall jackson and Robert E. Lee at Appomattox and got tried for trying to trick the trapezoid-shaped polygon into believing that it could add a perpendicular bisector to conical projections and turn it into this quacked up calculus joke someone posted in the HS forum on valentine's day because someone had too much free time and too much imagination and too much bodily stimulation and too fascinated by calculus and too good with words. So Someone decided to send his story to Stanford, hoping to woo the dean who coincidentally had the hobby of writing stories about certain applicants whom he finds fairly good-looking and very willing to do football, much to the dismay of his disapproving daughters who were told they must choose a suitable suitor from amongst the acceptees and dump the rejectees, whom they admired much more. Especially some genius socialite who raises pure-breed Physics Olympiad kids who also play piano like Chopin and Mozart and run as fast as the wind and leap like a flea and solve physics problems like Einstein and invent things like Edison and suave as James Bond. This bloke dazzled and wowed Dean Shaw, who automatically rejected him for being too perfect, because he himself is green with jealousy of his skills at attracting other beta particles to mix with his positively pudgy positrons to form new nutty neutrons, which desintegrated and shot out eleven eclectic eletrons and annihilated themselves on little lusterous leptons and gave birth to 6 children who were up, down, top, bottom, strange, and charm and they made up a happy family who wore polka-dotted yellow bowties and overalls and played sousaphones while marching to Pomp and Circumstance - the original full version at 140 bpm and rushing wildly and tripping over the easy parts and having a heart failure over the sixteenth note runs and having tourettes over the quarter notes and hyperventilation from the ten whole notes tied together and muscular dystrophy from holding his sousaphone up too long. "What a day", he exclaimed while blowing the final measure of the piece. But then everyone had to play "Stars and Stripes Forever" with the piccolos in 8va and the flutes in 16va which destroyed everyones' eardrums within the fifty mile radius but didn't harm the audience, who were miraculously protected by an enormous bass drum which reflected the sound waves toward the offensive upper winds, but the heroic bass drummer was marching so fast to the rescue that he created the Doppler's Effect and compressed the sound waves so much that it created a sonic boom that crushed the string players' G strings exposing the musician's bodies to all of the audience, provoking a riot that only subsided when they were squeezed through a tuning pipe by the Squeeze Property and thus improved their ductility and made them almost frictionless on a massless pulley that exerted no force against their oversized surface perpendicular to the longitudinal axis at the prime meridian which crossed the Tropic of Capricorn in Brazil right at a soccer stadium during the World Cup and suffered a concussion when an Argentinian player kicked the ball at his head that was made out of lead and was stuffed with bread that smelled like dead, red Feds with heads so egoistical so they couldn't wed a woman in bed unless they've been led with a thread that said "Ted got laid and started to fade in the arcade until a raid of precious ivory and jade made him wade and cascade down a river of Kool-aid that bade his maid to braid without getting paid and prayed that today she would fall prey to the harmful ray that sprayed across the cay and upset the bay which allayed the troubled fears of those who knew not of the hemlock tree. For only the mystic gnome of the Far East could trump Justinian I into believing he is Celebrian while still possessing the looks of Mesuthelah, thus causing a deja vu and a temporal paradox after tumbling through a wormhole and causing major temporal discontinuities in his temporal lobe and having temporal amnesia at a prestissimo tempo and syncopated rhythm that says 'time to close this gigantic quotation, methinks.'" So Justinian closed the quotation and nearly perished due to the exertion on his bow-legged legs and begged Prepkid, who turned red as beet, to dance with Jimi at the middle school prom where they danced to the Charleston until QuizQuick who was mighty and constipated after receiving the very shocking news that the moon was inhabited by green, greasy, grumpy, groggy, god-forsaken guys. He sent Justinian up in a starship to investigate and discovered that their colony was in dire shortage of eukaryotes so the colonists had to resort to using prokaryotes as a source but failed. Prepkid, however, with her great creativity, created a scheme to harvest the euglena and stentor organisms in a local pond. Then she caught Justinian I trying to pilfer a cell culture taken from the bladder of yet another CCer, KMK, who had accidentally taken too many diuretics and consequently... created the aforementioned "local pond." This was an odd case of effect preceding cause and was the result of the (again) aforementioned "temporal paradox," so Eternal Mistress of the Universe Purrli got mad and banned all time traveling and banished all the aforementioned adventurers to a temporal-resistant prison, where they were confined and tormented nightly by the dragons that guarded Mordor until they turned into Ringwraiths and gave birth to Horcruxes, one of which is Harry ate. Then, he woke up from this horrible dream- all this story was simply a crazy dream! But when he walked out of his abode, his saw, to his horror, that Justinian had brought his army and had laid fortifications around his garden. The army was comprised of thousands of beefy and rednecked Bible-thumpers the likes of him, all armed with kitanas, and copies of the "Origin of Species" on fire! They sat in a circle and recited the Mein Kampf and other passages from the Communist Manifesto and Das Kapital until their heads were filled with Nazi and Communist sayings that they entered a state of philosophical paradox and ended up believing that democracy was a mild form of dictatorship, and that a 1600 was still the best SAT score on the new SAT, or Harvard was the best college in Okinawa. One gloomy day, a very colorful and talkative toad sat on a poisonous toadstool who declared,"The atheist onslaught possesses chariots of iron and steel with a terrible resolve; but fear not, for behold, I am the archangel Michael bringing you tidings of the presence of the Lord." Justinian, knowing of Gods mercy and presence, knew that victory was certain. However, as it turned out, it was not be since the tabloids revealed that justinian's god wasn't really a god... but a false diety who's really a devil that liked to paint swastikas on their heads and terrorized CC younglings until they were perfect at drawing their integral signs and could gain admission to Duke with ease, and eventually it became a Duke requirement that all freshman must achieve competency at their mathematical penmanship or accept a minus on their letter grade and be burned at a stake made of natural logs. So eventually Justinian's army became the incoming class at Duke, all 1600 strong, establishng their base at Duke and most of the other Ivy League Schools such as Harvard, Yale, Brown, Princeton, and Dartmouth. Finally, the atheists and theists met at the Field of Armaggedon where the theists were finally victorious with the Lord Gods help and guidance.
Chapter Three:I'm running out of things to write
But, meanwhile, Bob ate the quacking planet. Then suddenly, a Pop-Tart ate him, giving him indigestion, making Jesse McCartney become ambassador of Pluto. Then the Starship Enterprise annihilated Nick Jr., causing Blue from Blue's Clues to become "The Armageddon Pup" and killed 56% of the population with a small McDonald's toy. This made Jesse McCartney explode. Then, a few minutes later, JoJo and Avril Lavigne's heads asploded, and their fans were suddenly sad and they started throwing their iPod shuffles at their remains. This caused J.Lo to call Ghostbusters, only to realize that they were busy dealing with ghouls and that 3/10 were already geezers. So she got the Men in Black, only to find out they were vaporized by their own neuralizers. Suddenly, a huge iPod nano (what an oxymoron!) fell from the sky. Citizens were terrified because it belted out 50's disco music and old school rap 24/7. Someone tried to shoot it with a .5 caliber slugger, only to have it filled with M&Ms and Skittle. This caused the very idea of funny to be revised. Mary and Sam loved their computer. They had only had it a few months. They loved computer games and going on the Internet and visiting web sites. One night they stayed up late surfing the web after they had done their homework. After a while they started getting tired and were almost falling asleep. Suddenly they felt a strong suction coming from the computer screen. It felt like a huge vacuum cleaner trying to drag them in! By now, they were fully awake. Suddenly, they saw the word RuneScape, they're favourite website. They jumped on and suddenly went through it and found themselves in the game. They had swords out and thousands of other players were there. "This is wierd" said Mary "its so relistic in here." They were dresed in costumes as part of the green team; Sam, wering a green tee-shirt and black pants, while Mary in a kind of Kim Posible outfit, a green tank top and blue hipster jeans. "Just - keep - dodging - the - other - players," said Sam sweating. "Take that, and that" said Mary, waving her sword in the air. "These players are good," said Sam, "not many people stay up this late to play on the computer." "Wait..." Mary said thinking, "the only people who stay up late to do this are nerds...INTERNET NERDS!" They still kept going. "This is harder than it looks," said Sam. He was trugling to keep fighting. "You can't give up now, you just can't!" said Mary. It was too late. They had lost. A huge game over sign came up in frount of them in bright red. The screen was black. Tom and Mary felt themselves falling. "Nooooooooooo," they cried. They suddenly hit the ground. "Where are we?" said Mary. They were in a room, painted bright green, filled with other players who had lost. Some of them were injered and some just resting. "We have to get out of here," said Sam "its where all the loosers are. I can't be a looser! I've never lost a game!" "Well you just did," said Mary, wiping her forhead. Just then there was a flash of light and a person who looked extremely muscular appeared. They had many weapons and a winning smile. They even had the laser that you can only win on the second to last level of the game. They unzipped their back and it turned nsideout: the guy was a common internet nerd! "You lost?" Mary asked. He nodded. "I almost defeated the moster at the last level. If I could have lasted one more second, I would've won the entire game," the guy said with a sigh. "Jimmy, by the way." "Wait, isn't the highest anyone has ever gotten was the second to last level? That's what it said on the high score charts last time," Sam said. Jimmy said, "I think so," and then sat down next to Mary." Mary said, "I think you are a winner, much better than we did. We lost the first level." "Well, most people aren't used to playing INSIDE the computer. It's much higher risks, much harder. For one, it's very hard to get out of this room. The only way to get back home is to win," Jimmy said, sweat dripping off his forehead. "What?! We can't get out of here!" screamed Sam. "Nope...not until you win. I've seen people spend their lives here. I was five when I first came in. I'm fifteen now. I really want to get out. I'm a winner though. I'll make it." "What if you get stuck in here?" asked Mary. "The only way to be permanently stuck in here, with no chance to escape, is if you lose on level 1 more than 3 times. Then you are stuck in this room forever," Jimmy explained. Then a red bell began inging, dinging, and dinging. The people in the room began panicking, except for Mary and Tom, who didn't know that the bell meant...
Chapter Four:Seamus the Goat Screwer
One day the old man Seamus was considering the lot of his life. He sat at the pub nursing his fifteenth Guinness of the evening and proudly proclaimed for all to hear, "Look at the lot of you! Do you know who built this pub? I did! I laid the foundation down with my own bare hands, cut the wood, laid the floor, built the walls, made the door, nailed it all together I did. It took time, but I got the roof and put the roof over this here building! But do they call me Seamus the Pub Builder? Ach, no..." The others would've stirred at such a speech, but all knew where the tirade was headed.Seamus continued, "You know the bridge you crossed to get over the river so you could get to the pub! Do you know who built that bridge? I did! I gathered all the stones together from miles around, organizing them by size and shape until I could the the basic shaped of the bridge in place. I mortared and plastered the stones in place until the bridge was set to cross that river! But do they call me Seamus the Bridge Builder? Ach, no..." Seamus started again, "The fighting clans! Do you know who brought them together and got them to stop fighting, until peace was had? I did! But do they call me Seamus the Peace Maker? Ach, no..." "Not the pub builder, not the bridge maker, and not the peace maker am I... But you screw ONE little goat!"
Prologue
Our world is better known as Earth. The third planet from the Sun, (the big shiny thing.) But from 'Their World' our planet is a shit-hole. We don't have enough wars, drugs, women, spoons or monkeys. Public transport is crap, I'd rather feed my penis to a bay lama than go on another bus, the last time I went on one, the bus driver just happened to be an ex-convict and have a strange love for vodka, so the whole story unfolds. We have nowhere to put rubbish, when we take out the bin and the bin men collect it, the council thinks, 'Erm... let's dig a big hole.' The cinema is another downfall of society, it is always interrupted by phones, kissing, bomb scares, talking, power cuts, terrorists, followed by counter-terrorists (which makes it into a big game of Counter Strike), giggly little girls or the most common the person in front has a largely obese head. Shops get all the money in modern society. They have everything in their category because if it wasn't their category it wouldn't work e.g. you don't but condoms in Fish & chip shops or you don't buy lingerie in Game. Television, or more commonly known as TV, controls are live. A average man's TV play list is sport; football, rugby, tennis, boxing etc. etc. followed by cars, motorbike racing, Top gear, Pimp my ride etc. etc. then to top the day off at 22:00 half an hour of pornography. He could do all these things with his friends, himself and his wife (in order, coz if it's not that's just sick, you don't do porn with your friends) but he's 41 and just can't be arsed, the lazy git. A woman's play list is soaps; chosen DIY shows like Changing rooms, one hour dramas etc. The soaps were designed by 5 three years olds in 5 minutes with the red, blue, green, yellow and purple Crayola crayons one time in playgroup. They were killed due to angry men who can't watch the FA cup final because the EastEnders omnibus is on a.k.a. three hours of complete shit. EastEnders is the worst adaptation of the East End of London ever known to man. Toyland, the place where Noddy lives, looks more gangster than that. The real east end is full of; drugs, hookers, money, alcohol, fights, sex, street racing, guns, gangs, gang wars and general crime. EastEnders is more like The Telletubies with more characters. Another example is Bob the Builder is not like any normal builder, when he bends over his arse doesn’t wave in your face, he doesn’t sit on the scaffolding, eat his lunch and shout obscene phrases at passers by. His vehicles talk, hallucination or what? He doesn’t actually get paid, so how does he pay council tax, maybe it’s something to do with what he does at night, maybe he deals drugs in the East End (not East Enders.) So as you see Children’s TV is very interesting and a bit too brightly coloured like Balamory,