Balto

Unlike many people think, Balto is not a movie about a dog who saved the city of Nome from AIDS, nor it was told to a little girl by her cracked grandmother while abusing their pet husky. Nor it was made by Universal Pictures and Amblimation. Nor it has two sequels.

This is what really happened in the movie

The story starts when Aslan is telling Iorek Byrnison something what the Road Rovers told that was told to them by Tintin, who in turn had been warned by Jaspion. There's no reason to think this was not the result of Aristoteles's cracked mind...

Note: any similarities with The Little Mermaid are NOT coincidence!

Anyway, the real story begins when the sea wolf Balto doesn't appear at the orgy in the underwater castle of King Boris Da Goose Da Third. It happens our marine canine friend wasn't no longer interested in mating with other marine mammals, fish, birds, octupi, rocks, etc.; that simply didn't satisfied him anymore. He wanted to mate with a dog from the land.

Aided by the Care Bears, he went to the cave of the sea husky Steele, where they had a carnal pact with Neptune himself. Steele then agreed to help Balto; in return, the sea wolf would have to give him his cloaca. Balto reluctantly agreed; Steele then kept the cloaca in a nautilus shaped vaseline bottle, and Balto's flippers became legs, so he could go to land (he had three days to mount a bitch; if he failed he would return to the sea and become Steele's property). In the three days he mounted many other animals, including Donald Duck, Simba and Madonna, but there was not a single bitch in sight. At the sunset of the third day he found the lesbian Jenna. Balto fell in love with her and raped her before she could react.

Since the deal was fullfilled Balto became a perfect land wolf, only that he didn't had an anus (nobody's perfect). He then killed King Boris and the other seabirds so Steele could be the king of the ocean alongside Madonna and Shakira. Meanwhile, Balto now lives with Jenna, who he injects drugs on each five minutes to prevent her from escaping. He also now has two kids: a bitch named Aleu, who now returned to the ocean in order to sell her body to marine animals, and Kodi, a little gay puppy who lives happily in Iran.