Boris Johnson
“My toaster doesn't work, it keeps giving the toast back to me ”
Boris Johnson has lived in 70 homes and stoked the fires of hell. He currently resides in Lundumb, where he is the town drunk. The Guardian dubbed him "the loveable but fiendish drunken idiot", while The Sun calls him "Big Tits" and The Times sits down on a bean bag smoking conservative piglets. Whatever your view on him, you gotta admit that he's a bit of a Tory slimeball.
Time for tea
Boris hovers a few centimetres above the table and becomes slightly divine. "I RECKON I GOT CHIPS IN MY PANTRY" He says in capital letters.
Indeed. Boris is the key innovator in Selfism and has written a lot about it. In his seminal essay: "The time I bit my mothers toes off" he explains the key principles of the political movement. Which includes:
- The right to assemble your own "politi-head".
- Not getting into "The Zone".
- At every opportunity, trespass on the vicar's lawn.
It was controversial, especially with fishmongers.
Interview
- Interviewer: Hello Boris
- Boris: Uh...
- Interviewer: Hello.
- Boris: Uh...
- *Interviewer kicks Boris*
- Boris: Uh...
- Interviewer: Oh for God's sake...
The wheely baaad years
Contrary to popular belief, Boris was actually quite bad as he destroyed almost every species of Munchkin. He denies it, however, saying he's never been down Yellow Brick Road. However the police found his iron steak tenderizer lying beside the corpse of a unicorn.
The many faces of Boris
- O.o
- o.O